Journal: #162 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 2

Daily Journal

Dec 31

This post is ninth (part 2) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon. Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend is here.

For a quick review, yesterday I discussed what I was proud of from my relationship with Ms C. Despite a gut-wrenching break-up, I think I did well. I loved from start to finish, and beyond. Any shame I felt in the aftermath is old shame.

What I Learned

Today, I will go over what I learned, and how it made me a better man. Some of it is about being a man, and some of it about being human. I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

So what did I learn?

To Love Myself

The number one lesson that finally stuck is I have to take care of myself regardless of what is happening in life. Until this year I had a bad habit of ignoring my needs in sacrifice of something or someone. I did it with my business partner and Ms C. And, it’s not their fault. My past is littered with many more examples of such moments.

In the summer of 2019, I got super sick with a mystery stomach ailment. I couldn’t eat for almost a month, and the doctors offered no answers. I think it was a psychosomatic (stress-induced illness.) Eventually, I got better. Fast-forward to mid-May of 2020. I knew I was losing her, and the stress mounted. I prayed more, went on late-night burger runs, and stopped doing things I loved. My stomach began to churn the way it did the previous summer.

I tried to ignore what was happening to my body, “Isn’t this what people do when they love someone?” Yes. It is. And, they end up in the hospital.

I’ll never forget the feeling of absolute conviction when I finally understood,“Oh, I can’t ignore myself any more. I’m going to die if I keep doing this. I’ve go to take care of me.” It hit me as square (yet guilt-free) as a thought can, because I literally felt it sink into my soul. The lesson, finally, learned.

I want to make something very clear. No one ever asked me to treat myself poorly. No one ever asked me to eat crappy food or ignore my friends. It is an old pattern of behavior in my life, and I had to repent of it. It’s why I write everyday and go for walks. I will do what I must to love myself every day. No days off.

I love me, and that includes doing for myself what I would do for others.

I Am Loved and Worthy Of Love

My business coach said it very calmly during one of our summer sessions: trauma and pain do not magically disappear. The pain in my heart stemmed from constantly trying to be someone else and constantly trying to win the approval and notice of others. Whenever I felt unappreciated or unloved, I could lash out in anger. Why didn’t they see how amazing I am?

Ms C did not like to see me angry. I get it, because I don’t like it either. My anger was a defense mechanism. I had to stick up for myself because no one else will. It controlled my life, my choices, and how I treated people.

To be clear, anger did not control my life. What controlled me was feeling worthless and unworthy of love. For 40 years, I thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone, so I had to be someone I’m not. Took me 40 years to realize, I can’t be anyone other than me. Anger will always be the product of a Nik who does not love himself and feels like a loser.

There’s nothing like a break-up to test a person, so I seized the opportunity by the throat. To defeat worthlessness, I started some new habits. They include positive self-talk, repeating the promises of the Lord aloud, and addressing negative emotions whenever they surface. Any time I feel rejected or attacked, I fight back. I am loved and worthy of love. I’m amazing. The Lord will never leave me and His grace is new every single morning. I believe the future ahead of me and I trust the Lord to take care of me.

Lead With Kindness

I believe in equality, and will never give in to the idea that women are lesser vessels. God made them as sure as he made me. So the idea of a leader in a relationship strikes me as odd. Until recently, I didn’t want to be part of an old-school woman-follows-the-man relationship. (Still don’t.) I want a woman with hopes and dreams, personality, and grit. I don’t want a weak woman who needs a man to define her.

Ms. C is not a weak woman, though she can play the part. At her best, she speaks her mind without thinking about it, and it’s good.

I can admit now, I did not lead Ms. C. I did not challenge her in the way one good partner challenges another. Why? Because I was too scared she’d leave if I pushed her to get help. I assumed she’d figure herself out, which was a mistake.

Since I can’t go back, I’ll say it this way: The next time I say something sweet and kind to a woman I love and she gets triggered, I will not simply wait for her to “work through it.” Ms. C, for all her strengths, was stuck on a few issues that had nothing to do with me. She needed a friend to push her to seek help. In the future, I’ll demand action.

I was nice to Ms. C, not kind. I was afraid, not brave. My next girlfriend will never know that version of me. And, the woman I marry will love my honest and kind demands to defeat our fears. (I’m not talking about being an asshole. I’m talking about being a true friend. True friends challenge poor behaviors and beliefs with kindness and compassion. My aim is to be a true friend.)

Good Relationship Tips

The last few lessons I decided to put into a shortlist.

I will do a better job with boundaries in the future. I did a reasonably good job of this but definitely failed in some areas. Again, nice does not pay.
Relaxed is better than hype. Very few things are the end of the world.
Perfection is the approach of the fearful trying to save themselves from pain. It’s unwise to expect perfection or try to live up to a standard stated by another. In the future, I won’t even bother.
Jesus really is my everything. He’s my best friend and constant strength. He knew my heart was broken, and that I’d rise from the ashes.

Zero Regret

I could on and on about what I loved, hated, and learned from my relationship this year, but I’ll stop here. In the end, I couldn’t be more grateful for the chance to date someone so great. I pray only good things for her, and I hope she’s doing well.

More than that, I hope I had a positive impact on her life as Ms. C had on mine. I’m a better man than I was a year ago, and she’s a big part of that. A true blessing.

Tomorrow, I’ll tell you why I’ve got the best family and friends in the whole universe.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com