Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/13/21 Nik Curfman 6/13/21

Journal: #305 Walking Out The Final Steps of Grief

Today is as close to romantic square one as I can be. No interests, nothing interesting. Not yet. It feels like the place to be. The secondary point of grieving is to create space for something new (by processing pain, which is the first point.) Many of us don’t have room for new because we never properly let go of the old. While I am embarrassed at the amount of time required to heal, I am glad I let myself do it.

(Today’s blog post is a bit of an embarrassment to write. It would be easier for me to avoid it, but that’s not the spirit of my writing. Here we go.)

When I broke with my last girlfriend, just over a year ago, I decided to handle it with as much grace and dignity as I could muster. I didn’t argue with her, call names, or subtly try to work my way back into her life. I allowed myself to grieve the moment, but my embarrassment stems from how long the grieving process is. Or, has been. I feel like I did something wrong, even though I did not.

Overall, I’m happy with the progress I made. This week felt like the final mile of the grieving process. Throughout the week, the Lord put people and messages in front of me. It started with how “exes can’t be friends” and ended with “everyone’s got embarrassing shit.” The latter I heard from two different sources. And honestly, I can’t remember hearing or seeing one single word on exes being friends until last week. (When the Lord has something to say He says it over and over until we hear and under it. He’s not an asshole whispering in the wind.)

Today is as close to romantic square one as I can be. No interests, nothing interesting. Not yet. Feels like the place to be. The secondary point of grieving is to create space for something new (by processing pain, which is the first point.) Many of us don’t have room for new because we never properly let go of the old. While I am embarrassed at the amount of time required to heal, I am glad I let myself do it.

Nik Curfman 4/3/21 Nik Curfman 4/3/21

Journal: #246 Heart Broken, Again

I’ve never felt that way about anyone. I wanted her, and held onto faith while we dated. It was by faith I asked her out, and by faith I let her go when she was overwhelmed at the end. And now, almost a year later, I sense this is the end for me and my hopes for a resurrection. It’s time for a new kind of faith.

For ten months I left the back door to my heart open. This morning I realized, she ain’t coming back. Rather, I accepted the fact. My heart ripped anew as it considered the following: whatever reason or rationale, she doesn’t want me. Now, I must move on to find the same state: I do not want her. The thing about that is…months later some part of me still help hope.

Since last May, I repeated a mantra about my ex-lady. I told myself and the Lord, “Father, you know what I want, what’s in my heart, but I trust you. Your will be done.” I meant it, but wanted the former. I loved her. I mean lay down my life, sacrifice whatever it takes, committed to death loved her. I’ve never felt that way about anyone. I wanted her, and held onto faith while we dated. It was by faith I asked her out, and by faith I let her go when she was overwhelmed at the end. And now, almost a year later, I sense this is the end for me and my hopes for a resurrection. It’s time for a new kind of faith.

I’ll talk more about that tomorrow.

Nik Curfman 12/31/20 Nik Curfman 12/31/20

Journal: #162 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 2

I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

This post is ninth (part 2) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon. Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend is here.

For a quick review, yesterday I discussed what I was proud of from my relationship with Ms C. Despite a gut-wrenching break-up, I think I did well. I loved from start to finish, and beyond. Any shame I felt in the aftermath is old shame.

What I Learned

Today, I will go over what I learned, and how it made me a better man. Some of it is about being a man, and some of it about being human. I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

So what did I learn?

To Love Myself

The number one lesson that finally stuck is I have to take care of myself regardless of what is happening in life. Until this year I had a bad habit of ignoring my needs in sacrifice of something or someone. I did it with my business partner and Ms C. And, it’s not their fault. My past is littered with many more examples of such moments.

In the summer of 2019, I got super sick with a mystery stomach ailment. I couldn’t eat for almost a month, and the doctors offered no answers. I think it was a psychosomatic (stress-induced illness.) Eventually, I got better. Fast-forward to mid-May of 2020. I knew I was losing her, and the stress mounted. I prayed more, went on late-night burger runs, and stopped doing things I loved. My stomach began to churn the way it did the previous summer.

I tried to ignore what was happening to my body, “Isn’t this what people do when they love someone?” Yes. It is. And, they end up in the hospital.

I’ll never forget the feeling of absolute conviction when I finally understood,“Oh, I can’t ignore myself any more. I’m going to die if I keep doing this. I’ve go to take care of me.” It hit me as square (yet guilt-free) as a thought can, because I literally felt it sink into my soul. The lesson, finally, learned.

I want to make something very clear. No one ever asked me to treat myself poorly. No one ever asked me to eat crappy food or ignore my friends. It is an old pattern of behavior in my life, and I had to repent of it. It’s why I write everyday and go for walks. I will do what I must to love myself every day. No days off.

I love me, and that includes doing for myself what I would do for others.

I Am Loved and Worthy Of Love

My business coach said it very calmly during one of our summer sessions: trauma and pain do not magically disappear. The pain in my heart stemmed from constantly trying to be someone else and constantly trying to win the approval and notice of others. Whenever I felt unappreciated or unloved, I could lash out in anger. Why didn’t they see how amazing I am?

Ms C did not like to see me angry. I get it, because I don’t like it either. My anger was a defense mechanism. I had to stick up for myself because no one else will. It controlled my life, my choices, and how I treated people.

To be clear, anger did not control my life. What controlled me was feeling worthless and unworthy of love. For 40 years, I thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone, so I had to be someone I’m not. Took me 40 years to realize, I can’t be anyone other than me. Anger will always be the product of a Nik who does not love himself and feels like a loser.

There’s nothing like a break-up to test a person, so I seized the opportunity by the throat. To defeat worthlessness, I started some new habits. They include positive self-talk, repeating the promises of the Lord aloud, and addressing negative emotions whenever they surface. Any time I feel rejected or attacked, I fight back. I am loved and worthy of love. I’m amazing. The Lord will never leave me and His grace is new every single morning. I believe the future ahead of me and I trust the Lord to take care of me.

Lead With Kindness

I believe in equality, and will never give in to the idea that women are lesser vessels. God made them as sure as he made me. So the idea of a leader in a relationship strikes me as odd. Until recently, I didn’t want to be part of an old-school woman-follows-the-man relationship. (Still don’t.) I want a woman with hopes and dreams, personality, and grit. I don’t want a weak woman who needs a man to define her.

Ms. C is not a weak woman, though she can play the part. At her best, she speaks her mind without thinking about it, and it’s good.

I can admit now, I did not lead Ms. C. I did not challenge her in the way one good partner challenges another. Why? Because I was too scared she’d leave if I pushed her to get help. I assumed she’d figure herself out, which was a mistake.

Since I can’t go back, I’ll say it this way: The next time I say something sweet and kind to a woman I love and she gets triggered, I will not simply wait for her to “work through it.” Ms. C, for all her strengths, was stuck on a few issues that had nothing to do with me. She needed a friend to push her to seek help. In the future, I’ll demand action.

I was nice to Ms. C, not kind. I was afraid, not brave. My next girlfriend will never know that version of me. And, the woman I marry will love my honest and kind demands to defeat our fears. (I’m not talking about being an asshole. I’m talking about being a true friend. True friends challenge poor behaviors and beliefs with kindness and compassion. My aim is to be a true friend.)

Good Relationship Tips

The last few lessons I decided to put into a shortlist.

I will do a better job with boundaries in the future. I did a reasonably good job of this but definitely failed in some areas. Again, nice does not pay.
Relaxed is better than hype. Very few things are the end of the world.
Perfection is the approach of the fearful trying to save themselves from pain. It’s unwise to expect perfection or try to live up to a standard stated by another. In the future, I won’t even bother.
Jesus really is my everything. He’s my best friend and constant strength. He knew my heart was broken, and that I’d rise from the ashes.

Zero Regret

I could on and on about what I loved, hated, and learned from my relationship this year, but I’ll stop here. In the end, I couldn’t be more grateful for the chance to date someone so great. I pray only good things for her, and I hope she’s doing well.

More than that, I hope I had a positive impact on her life as Ms. C had on mine. I’m a better man than I was a year ago, and she’s a big part of that. A true blessing.

Tomorrow, I’ll tell you why I’ve got the best family and friends in the whole universe.

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Nik Curfman 12/29/20 Nik Curfman 12/29/20

Journal: #160 Favorite Moments of 2020: Oregon

Oregon was more than I expected. The rolling hills reminded me of western Pennsylvania, but nothing about Mount Hood is like anything on the east coast. It’s powerful and inviting, commanding both respect and awe. And the forests surrounding the Mt Hood? A-mazing. The beautiful rivers, glorious trees, and towering mountains are the definition of picturesque.

This post is tenth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link.

Suddenly My Life Changed

When 2020 began, I thought I knew where my life was headed. I owned part of business I believed in, and began to date the best woman I’ve ever know. Life was good. I was happy. On the last day of May and the first day in June, everything changed. In 24 hours, whatever I thought was going to happen in 2020 was dead.

May 31st my girlfriend came over and broke up with me, and I knew I had to let her go. Literally, less than 24 hours later, my business partner said he thought it would be best if we parted ways. Again, I decided not to fight it. In both situations, I choose to trust and put my faith the Lord, even though I felt crushed.

Refusing To Be Shamed

I can’t help but feel like it was an epic moment in life. It’s the kind of scene at the beginning of a movie. The hero usually slides deep into a pit of depression and self-destruction. Oddly, I’ve been there and done that.

On this occasion, I refused to sink into muddy shame. Instead, I decided to bleed openly and submit to the goodness of the Holy Spirit. I choose to face my sorrow and pain without turning to drugs, porn, or binge eating. I was defeated, but I’m not going to give up, and I’ve just begun to live.

Grandiose as it sounds, I’ve often pictured this scene from Braveheart. It comes from the end of the Battle of Fallkirk. After a series of stunning victories, William Wallace is betrayed by Robert the Bruce. You can see the shock and disbelief on his face. That was me in late Spring. I was stunned and disappointed, and like William Wallace, I will not relent.

So Oregon…

Before our breakup, I planned to go to her family reunion with my former girlfriend. Obviously, that didn’t work out. I knew I needed to go do something to occupy myself that week in late July. I didn’t intend to go to Oregon by myself. I invited five or six guys, and all of the them eventually backed out, so I went alone.

Oregon is Gorgeous

At the beginning of my hike up to Ramona Falls I felt alone, again. Four years ago, I was in a similar place. (After a break up, I hiked to the top of Mount Lassen. Alone.) I’m tired of flying solo…but more than that, all I want is to share these beautiful moments with someone I love.

I truly believe life is better when it’s shared.

I Was Honest With God

Instead of burying all the pain and frustration in my heart, I sat down next to a creek and cried. I told the Lord how I alone felt and asked Him why she didn’t want me. Then I listened for whatever He had to say.

True to who the Lord is, He did not satisfy my immediate need for an answer. He told me He loved me and He was sorry the breakup happened. Then I turned my face to sky and let the sun shine on my face. I know I will find a wonderful woman, we will get married, have children, and I will never be alone again. That’s my destiny.

From that moment forward, I decided to engage in gratitude. Yes, I was totally alone, so why not enjoy it? One day soon, I will have to wait on someone else, consider what they want, and go at their pace. Today, I get to stop when I want to stop, pee behind the trees, and run down the mountain as fast as I want.

Worth It

I ended my hike exhausted yet invigorated. First of all, Ramona Falls is stunning. It’s totally worth the hike. Second, I learned to read more than one Google review. They lone review I read of Ramona Falls said the hike was a seven mile round trip. It was more like ten miles, which is considerably longer than seven miles. I would’ve packed more snacks, and started earlier in the day. Lastly, the Lord is good. All the time. He didn’t say what I wanted Him to say, or even answer my questions. He spoke to the need in my heart, and asked me to mature in my trust for Him.

That’s why my trip to Oregon comes in at #10 on Top Moments of 2020 list.

Deschutes River, Warm Springs, OR

Mount Hood

Salmon River, Welches, OR

Wildwood Recreation Site

Creek along Ramona Falls Creek Trail

Ramona Falls

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Nik Curfman 11/23/20 Nik Curfman 11/23/20

Journal: #126 No Demons For Me

I find comfort in these truths: nothing I experience is new, and I’m not destined to be stuck in this tension. There’s a path ahead, and I have no clue what it looks like. My only impulse is to keep moving.

I’m at a tension-filled crossroads. In every previous broken relationship I demonized the lady. It helped me move on. I refuse to do that with A. I want to move on (completely), to let her go, but I don’t want to criticize her to do it. Whenever I find myself listening to judgment, I back away.

She has flaws like any person. She said and did a few things that hurt, as will happen in any meaningful relationship. Despite all that, she’s a wonderful woman. I love her. She’s my friend (I think). So here I am. I want to open my heart to whatever possibilities lay ahead, and I don’t want to crucify her to do it. That’s where I’m living the last few weeks.

Onward.

Lord, help. LOL I love A. I will not curse or judge her. Bless her life with love and grace. I trust you to lead me.

Amen.