Journal: #161 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 1

Daily Journal

Dec 30

This post is ninth (part 1) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon.

About that old GirlFriend

When I made my list of top moments in 2020, I didn’t know where to place this one. If you scroll back through my writing I talk about her and our breakup a good bit. I learned a lot about myself from the experience, and I regret nothing. I’m thankful for the opportunity to date and love someone truly amazing…and flawed.

Part 1 of 2: Proud Moments

I decided to break moment up into two posts, because I want to cover a lot of topics in detail. This post will focus on what I’m proud of in regards to how I acted, and tomorrow I will review what I learned.

Ms C is type of rare combination of traits, characteristics, and personality I’m looking for in a woman. She’s affectionate, honest, and kind. At her best, she speaks her mind and adds life to every rooms she’s in. I liked the way she could cut through the human bullshit to see dynamics I couldn’t. She’s quirky too, aka not a basic white girl.

Of course, being human, she has weaknesses and flaws. I will not list them here.

1. Realistic Expectations

The first thing I’m proud of is I never put Ms C on a pedestal. I accepted her for who and what she is. When we broke up, I wasn’t shocked or surprised. Did I cry for days and weeks…months? Yes. Everyday. I liked and wanted her. But, even before we started dating, I saw a breakup as a possibility.

2. Risked Everything Just to Date Her

Secondly, I’m glad I risked asking her out. At the time she was my employee and will forever remain ten years younger than me. There were tons of reasons not to date her, but I liked her. I was myself around her, and we enjoyed being together. I took a risk then, and I’d do it all over again.

This next moment of pride might seem a bit odd, so just go with it.

3. NO Planning Ahead

I didn’t get ahead of myself with Ms C. Even though I was in love with her, I knew we both had to face our issues if we were to be together. It’s crazy to me to reflect on it. I wanted her, but I had an awareness it wouldn’t be that simple.

Yes, we made plans for a family reunion and the holidays. And yes, I wanted to marry her. But…as stated above, I needed to see us make it through the hard stuff. I knew what I wanted, but I needed her to want it too. I needed her to be willing to do what it takes when you choose the other person.

Because I knew we had to clear some hurdles, I never thought about looking at rings or talking to her parents. And yes, I’m proud of that.

4. I Gave Her Everything I Had

Cliche as it sounds, I did my best. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Many. That’s why I will write another post tomorrow on what I learned. But, I gave her everything I had. Whatever mistakes I made were honest. From the beginning to the tearful end, I’m proud I didn’t hold back or “protect my heart.” (In the near future I will write an in-depth post on why that’s a load of bullshit- protect[ing] your heart.)

5. I Leaned into Jesus

The one constant during my time with Ms C was the Lord. And, I knew I had to hold onto to Him no matter what if I was going to make it. Everyday, regardless of what was happening in our relationship, I laid it at His feet. Over and over again I prayed the same prayer: Lord, thank you for this day. I trust you. Thank you for Ms C, and Your will be done in our relationship today.

6. I Never Gave Into Shame or the Pain

I’ll close with this: I did my best to breakup well with Ms C. By the end of our relationship, she was riddled with anxiety and fear. I was no longer a source of comfort, peace, or joy. When the time came, I had to let her go. She needed space to walk with Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit work in her heart. So did I.

I proud of myself for I loved her to the very end. I refused to give in, and relented only when it was the right choice. When we said our goodbyes, I let it be. No arguments. No outbursts. No shame.

She’s still the amazing person I thought she was last year. It’s been seven months since we broke up, and still miss my friend. So instead of bemoaning my fate like a child, I choose to be thankful for her and our time together. It was special to me, and I hope to her.

I have no regrets. Part 2 tomorrow.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com