Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 12/30/20 Nik Curfman 12/30/20

Journal: #161 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 1

She’s still the amazing person I thought she was last year. It’s been seven months since we broke up, and still miss my friend. So instead of bemoaning my fate like a child, I choose to be thankful for her and our time together.

This post is ninth (part 1) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon.

About that old GirlFriend

When I made my list of top moments in 2020, I didn’t know where to place this one. If you scroll back through my writing I talk about her and our breakup a good bit. I learned a lot about myself from the experience, and I regret nothing. I’m thankful for the opportunity to date and love someone truly amazing…and flawed.

Part 1 of 2: Proud Moments

I decided to break moment up into two posts, because I want to cover a lot of topics in detail. This post will focus on what I’m proud of in regards to how I acted, and tomorrow I will review what I learned.

Ms C is type of rare combination of traits, characteristics, and personality I’m looking for in a woman. She’s affectionate, honest, and kind. At her best, she speaks her mind and adds life to every rooms she’s in. I liked the way she could cut through the human bullshit to see dynamics I couldn’t. She’s quirky too, aka not a basic white girl.

Of course, being human, she has weaknesses and flaws. I will not list them here.

1. Realistic Expectations

The first thing I’m proud of is I never put Ms C on a pedestal. I accepted her for who and what she is. When we broke up, I wasn’t shocked or surprised. Did I cry for days and weeks…months? Yes. Everyday. I liked and wanted her. But, even before we started dating, I saw a breakup as a possibility.

2. Risked Everything Just to Date Her

Secondly, I’m glad I risked asking her out. At the time she was my employee and will forever remain ten years younger than me. There were tons of reasons not to date her, but I liked her. I was myself around her, and we enjoyed being together. I took a risk then, and I’d do it all over again.

This next moment of pride might seem a bit odd, so just go with it.

3. NO Planning Ahead

I didn’t get ahead of myself with Ms C. Even though I was in love with her, I knew we both had to face our issues if we were to be together. It’s crazy to me to reflect on it. I wanted her, but I had an awareness it wouldn’t be that simple.

Yes, we made plans for a family reunion and the holidays. And yes, I wanted to marry her. But…as stated above, I needed to see us make it through the hard stuff. I knew what I wanted, but I needed her to want it too. I needed her to be willing to do what it takes when you choose the other person.

Because I knew we had to clear some hurdles, I never thought about looking at rings or talking to her parents. And yes, I’m proud of that.

4. I Gave Her Everything I Had

Cliche as it sounds, I did my best. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Many. That’s why I will write another post tomorrow on what I learned. But, I gave her everything I had. Whatever mistakes I made were honest. From the beginning to the tearful end, I’m proud I didn’t hold back or “protect my heart.” (In the near future I will write an in-depth post on why that’s a load of bullshit- protect[ing] your heart.)

5. I Leaned into Jesus

The one constant during my time with Ms C was the Lord. And, I knew I had to hold onto to Him no matter what if I was going to make it. Everyday, regardless of what was happening in our relationship, I laid it at His feet. Over and over again I prayed the same prayer: Lord, thank you for this day. I trust you. Thank you for Ms C, and Your will be done in our relationship today.

6. I Never Gave Into Shame or the Pain

I’ll close with this: I did my best to breakup well with Ms C. By the end of our relationship, she was riddled with anxiety and fear. I was no longer a source of comfort, peace, or joy. When the time came, I had to let her go. She needed space to walk with Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit work in her heart. So did I.

I proud of myself for I loved her to the very end. I refused to give in, and relented only when it was the right choice. When we said our goodbyes, I let it be. No arguments. No outbursts. No shame.

I have no regrets. Part 2 tomorrow.

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Nik Curfman 12/28/20 Nik Curfman 12/28/20

Journal: #159 Why I Love 2020

Now, I am able to find joy in each day no matter how difficult a day it was. That’s a good place to be. So, 2020 has been a year of favor, grace, and love. I want carry its with me the victories and wisdom into 2021 and beyond.

Only a few cold days left in 2020. I’m probably in a small group of people who aren’t ready for it to end. Despite COVID-19, civil unrest, the elections, a breakup, and a failed business partnership…2020 has been my favorite year as an adult. Crazy, eh? I just can’t hate any part of this year. It’s been a life changer, and I am forever grateful.

The single biggest positive change is my life is the total dedication to my relationship with Jesus. To the best of my ability, I’ve run after the Lord as He instructed in Matthew 6:33. Instead of trying to fix myself and all the parts of it, I’ve started by running after the Holy Spirit. This year we built a relationship based on trust, honesty, and faith. And the fruit is obvious. While I still experience sadness, anxiety, and frustration, those feelings don’t dominate my life or how I see myself.

Over the next ten days I will list my top ten favorite moments of 2020, and I already gave you a preview of #1.

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Nik Curfman 9/23/20 Nik Curfman 9/23/20

DJ: #67 My Life Ain’t Boring

There is something to be said for stability, and I assume one year of my life will be like the one before. But, I’m ok with how the last seven years unfolded. Our Father is great. In every single one of these years, I can now clearly see Him at work. Nothing was wasted. And it ain’t boring.

I apologize for being a bit vague this morning. I’m going to describe a conversation without the juicier details; however, I likely will write about the details in the next few months- one way or another.

Last night one of my very best and oldest friends randomly texted me, “Have you ever thought about X?” (X is a thing, not a person.) I responded I had thought about X, but jokingly. X seems like it could be fun, worth doing. This friend gave me some encouragement and left it at that.

Early today, I thought about X. At the earliest, it’s a year away. As I thought about September 2021, my mind spun a bit. “A lot can change in year,” I admitted to myself. Then I thought back to September of 2019, 2018, 2017, 2016, and beyond. In each of those years my life was substantially different than the previous year.

September 2019: I owned a small share of a BBQ company, recently recovered from a mystery stomach illness, and generally thought my life was about to take off.

September 2018: I moved to San Francisco to pursue a career in technology. I spent the last few years in Redding a drift and thought it was a good move.

September 2017: I shut down my pop-up Cafe Prohibition and focused on contract work in marketing and project management. 2017 was my hardest year to California. I battled depression and suicide most of the summer.

September 2016: I started my pop-up, Cafe Prohibition. I left a tech sales job that August, because I knew sales and the associated grind would never be my thing. I wanted something different for my life. On a personal level I was still reeling from a break-up. I exercised to extreme levels, and lost no weight. The shame was overwhelming.

September 2015: I worked for a non-profit as a communication manager. And I started a juice fast after I watched the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. During this time I also connected with the Lord in powerful way. I was in a similar place to where I am now. I put myself in His hands everyday. My wisdom now is to stay in this place. I’m never leaving.

September 2014: Recently promoted, I worked hard to prove myself at my first tech job. My life looked up even though I hated the job. I trusted the Lord and did my best.

September 2013: This might be one of the 3-4 rock bottom moments of my life. I was submerged in shame and absolutely hated my job. I hated myself as I sold fresh fish over the phone. Management/ownership was, without question, the worst group of men I have ever worked for.

I can go on, but I’ll stop here. Over this time frame I’ve held nine different jobs, received mail at ten different addresses, and lived with twelve roommates. As you can see, almost every year from one September to the next, my life has changed in dramatic fashion. I have not held the same profession for more than a year. (To be fair to myself, I’ve hustled in marketing dating back to 2015. It just wasn’t my main gig like it is now.) If I pursue X as mentioned above, the trend would continue, more change and new people.

I admit my biggest concern, if that’s the right word, is what others will think if I pursue X. Automatically I know I shouldn’t care what others will think. I confess such thoughts to expose them. How silly it is we should allow the opinions of others is influence our decisions.

I’m so thankful I’ve spent the last seven years taking risks. It’s made me resilient and unafraid to fail. I think the decision is already made.

Nik Curfman 9/15/20 Nik Curfman 9/15/20

DJ: #63 Crazy Good Year

The great new heights I experienced with Jesus, and the depths I explored in myself, make all of it worth it. Every heart ache, every moment of dejection, all of it is worth it. I have no shame or humiliation related to the last year. And I suspect, if I stick to Jesus, I never will.

On September 15th, 2019, I ate lunch with a group of old friends. They stopped in Redding for a quick visit, and I fit them into my schedule between barbecue shifts. We laughed at the same stories we always tell, and gave updates on our current lives. When it ended, I watched them drive onto the their next stop, somewhere in Oregon. I went home to prep for the next week of business.

A year ago I was single, but happy. I owned a small share in a barbecue catering company, and generally believed I was on my path to greatness. Life was good, supposedly. If some ancient prophet with gangly silver hair had fully detailed the next year of my life, I would’ve done one of two things. First I would’ve disputed his prophecy. Clearly he’s an idiot. And two, I would’ve run from it. No one wants to be split open and exposed.

The last year included the following:

1) I dated and fell in love with the most wonderful woman I’ve ever dated. So, of course we broke up.

2) After growing the BBQ business, I eventually made the decision to leave the company.

3) I had another falling out with my sister.

4) My roommate and I grew apart.

5) I got sick with same stomach issue I had in August of 2019. A condition I am want to avoid at all costs.

6) I was socially isolated due to the job change, girlfriend change, COVID, and fires.

And then there are external events to consider: COVID-19 , fires and smoke, political unrest, etc.

This is how Nik previously defined his reality. He only considered the emotionally difficult moments, and what value those moments communicated about him. As an example, a breakup would send me into a shame spiral because I clearly ‘wasn’t good enough for her.’

But…this is not how I see myself or life any more. Let’s complete this picture of the last 365 days:

1) I increased my time with Jesus to new levels. Daily, multiple times a day, levels. And good God, what a return. I am me, but also more me than ever before. If this were the only bright area of my life over the last year, it would be more than enough. I can’t stress how blessed I am in the commitment to sit before him everyday.

2) I dug up my heart and what’s in it to do. It is scary, but also alive. I can’t go back.

3) I finally figured out what loving me looks like on a daily basis. One metric is my physical health. Since the beginning of the year I am down 40 pounds, and since January of 2019 I am down almost 80 pounds.

4) I learned how to recognize, battle, and defeat bullsh-t negative emotions and thoughts. It’s a process, but I’m glad I have it in my arsenal.

5) I started writing on the daily.

6) I stated creating on the daily.

7) I built this website.

8) I’ve built new friendships and driven deeper into some old ones.

9) I left the BBQ business on good terms with Jason, the owner. I’m one of their biggest fans and pray for all the good things for them.

10) And that lady I mentioned at the top, we are friends. Real friends. I love her so much, I won’t let a little thing like a gut-wrenching break-up keep me from having her in my life.