Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 9/22/22 Nik Curfman 9/22/22

Vol III: #18 What’s My Motivation?

The truth is, I hope my life does look a lot different than most. I’m not trying to live a normal life- whatever that is. But, I watch tons of people struggle through life, disconnected from the Holy Spirit, and I don’t want to replicate that frustration. The Lord is my source and my life turns really dark without Him, which is my larger point. Even when life hits a lull, it’s better when Jesus than without. And, that’s not douchey.

I have an ethic that says “don’t brag or talk about what you do.” And, whenever I violate this personal law, I feel like a real douche. For example, this post was going to be about my frequent trips to the Bethel Prayer Chapel. Three sentences into the post, I deleted everything because of lingering questions: should you be talking about your spiritual habits? And, Isn’t that something you should keep to yourself?

And, didn’t Jesus say “when you give, don’t let the right hand know what the left hand is doing?” And, cover yourself when you fast and pray in the dark? (Basically, the first half of Matthew 6 Jesus addressed how the Father sees people who pray and give to be noticed by people. The reward for such behavior isn’t from the Lord but men.) I think Jesus is clear about how to be a braggy douche bag.

The question I want to answer is what’s my motivation? In this situation, I wanted to discuss how prayer time can be a slog. Even with when I have a peaceful place and a comfy seat, some days I just stare out the window and mutter whatever comes to mind. Eventually, I’ll read my scriptures and focus on gratitude. My main point is I show up. And some days, I encounter the Lord in amazing ways. And some days, it isn’t so amazing. What I do believe is, a) the Lord is always with me and encountering me- whether I feel it or not, and b) the fruit of endurance is some of the sweetest there is. I reap the rewards of making that drive to the Prayer Chapel everyday.

So, what’s douchey about that? First, I hear a small voice in my head saying you don’t know what it’s like to have kids or wait till you’re married or isn’t that cool for you. To these thought I respond, I hope I never stop putting the Lord first. And, the spiral continues as I start to be more defensive are you saying the parents and people you know who don’t spend time with the Lord every morning are wrong?!? No. I’m not saying that. Of course, I’m not.

Nik Curfman 6/9/22 Nik Curfman 6/9/22

Abstract: The Great Truth

A poem, about who He is.

On this Rock, this hard and unmovable fact, I will build My people.

For this truth is the greatest of all truths,

More real than gravity or the sun or sin.

When they believe in Me, the Holy anointed One, they will be be unstoppable.

Even if all of evil and its forces march against my people, they will win the day.

For I am the Christ, the Real One.

And I cannot be defeated and My people cannot be defeated.

Nik Curfman 3/25/22 Nik Curfman 3/25/22

Vol II: #59 Pure Theology

The saddest part of Christian history - among many candidates- is how we persecute each other. It’s one of the weeds the Lord allowed to blossom in His church. And, it’s proof our Lord cares less about perfect theology and doctrine than we do. Or, it demonstrates His mercy. That in our false beliefs He still covers our mistakes. Either way, He is full of compassion and grace for us, His self-righteous kids.

My heart is often sick when I listen to people discuss matters of doctrine or theology. The illness begins when I hear an oft repeated phrase, one that has echoed throughout Christianity, “You can’t be a Christian if…” What a disease. What a plague. For, there is nothing more Christian than judging the hearts and minds of our fellow Christians. I’m guilty and so are you. Lord, help us.

Whatever we believe and live, there is one question more important than the rest- more important than baptism or prophecy or the roll of an evangelist or who is qualified to lead. The greatest question we must answer is who do we say He is? Because everything good depends on the answer. HE is the Christ, the anointed, the Holy One, the Son of God. This is what our lives are built on. This is the foundation of the Church, that His word is good and true. And, it’s a truth we must encounter through knowing Him. When we know His voice, we know He is good. That we are good and He loves us. All the eloquent scripture becomes alive and we find ourselves.

Nik Curfman 7/28/21 Nik Curfman 7/28/21

Vol II: #9 Battling Depression

Lately, I’ve let myself be distracted- by TV, social media, and anything promising to hold my attention. The alone time I treasure became a place of conflict and rejection. By Monday morning, I was fully depressed, and I briefly considered alternative paths for my future. Why do I really need to go to BSSM? Why not just travel and work? These are the thoughts of a man trying to escape pain instead of a hopeful man living one day at a time. My mind literally hurts when I feel this way.

Alone time can be a space to rest and relax or a space where our thoughts attack us. When the thoughts or emotions are dark, we tend to run into the waiting arms of distraction. It’s why we choose to fill our time with meaningless jobs, hobbies, or relationships. It’s why people scroll for hours on their phones, searching for small hits of dopamine. Whatever awaits inside us is too great a dragon to slay.

I seek out people to distract myself, because it’s easy to ignore my festering wounds when I focus on my friends or family. Hell, most of us consider it noble to serve the needs of others. Right? The greatest among you is thy servant…said Jesus, our Lord and Savior. But like anything, serving people can and is often corrupted. The enemy would love for me to serve others as I die inside. I know this because that’s the story of my life.

Lately, I’ve let myself be distracted- by TV, social media, and anything promising to hold my attention. The alone time I treasure became a place of conflict and rejection. By Monday morning, I was fully depressed, and I briefly considered alternative paths for my future. Why do I really need to go to BSSM? Why not just travel and work? These are the thoughts of a man trying to escape pain instead of a hopeful man living one day at a time. My mind literally hurts when I feel this way.

The truth is I am uncertain of what BSSM will be, and I’m impatient. Despite these insecurities and moments of doubt, I am winning the war against anxiety and depression. The life giving routines I developed since 2019 are paying dividends, and I’m not trying to think my way out. My grace and relief is found on my walks and in prayer, mainly because I gave up trying to understand every detail and nuance of my life. There will always be parts of me I will never comprehend. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance, or some aspects of life will always be a challenge. ’Tis…what it is.

Today, I choose to love me, which includes being kind and gracious toward myself. It’s an opportunity to reflect the goodness of the Lord inside me, on myself. It’s odd right? To think this way? But, it’s no less true. Nothing in the Gospel commands us to love ourselves less. Service is about bonding our fate to the fate of others, not self-debasement. When Jesus wandered into the mountains as He did, it was for love and to seek the Father. He went away to face whatever crap was on His mind and the issues in His heart. And if Jesus took time to challenge and defeat personal attacks of the enemy, so will I.

Nik Curfman 7/20/21 Nik Curfman 7/20/21

Abstract: Galatians 2:20, If I Wrote It

I was murdered with Jesus,

when He was nailed to a cross,

hung between convicts,

naked and broken.

I was murdered with Jesus,

when He was nailed to a cross,

hung between convicts,

naked and broken.

All of my cruel character flaws,

fears and shame died with him.

Now and always,

My life is about trust, not control,

Love, not fear,

And kindness, rather than approval.

In the Lord, I am everything good and complete,

because that is His heart from me.

Nik Curfman 5/20/21 Nik Curfman 5/20/21

Journal: #285 It’s Simple

Cliche as it is to say, God is so good. He is the answer, not what is Nik going to do with his life? I don’t have to have all the answers, fix all the problems, or make all the correct choices. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. It’s simple. Thank God, because I’m terrible at life.

It’s been a while since the Lord spoke in triplicate to me. (It’s possible I may have missed a few.) He did so, very clearly, throughout my day yesterday. Early in the day came in the form of an old blog post about the simplicity of God. Then after a steak dinner, I went to a worship service with friends. I tucked into a back corner and began to write in my journal as worshippers swayed and sang. I wrote about what’s good in life. How those things are usually free and eternal: an affectionate hug, the scent of sweet grass, or crack of well-baked sough dough. Goodness is simple, I wrote. As the evening wore on, people starting to trickle out, a skinny middle-aged man took the microphone. He spoke about faith and rambled on about his unsaved son. I lost focus as I stared at the light above his head until he said, “It’s not complicated. IT’S SIMPLE.”

Nik Curfman 4/27/21 Nik Curfman 4/27/21

Abstract: Walking Away

My King risked everything He know,

His relationships too,

to be all He was meant to be.

He was born a super star, under a star,

angels singing,

and magi rejoicing.

Aside from a brief adolescent tale,

His history remained silent,

locked away from us,

until He appeared ready to walk in His calling.

The Messiah.

Prince of Peace,

Emmanuel, God With Us.

The Lover and Savior of all Humanity.

Jesus, the Christ.

One tiny detail,

I never heard a preacher ‘splain,

was the act of what Jesus did,

to start what He did.

The Son walked away from His childhood home,

its comforts and security,

to embrace the challenge set before Him.

He made new friends,

up for the task,

and criss-crossed Palestine.

My King risked everything He know,

His relationships too,

to be all He was meant to be.

Our example of a Man,

determined to live out His call,

regardless of the price.

Nik Curfman 3/29/21 Nik Curfman 3/29/21

Journal: #241 Value What Jesus Values

I want to do more of that. I want to value what Jesus values in myself and in others. I’m as guilty as anyone for looking to the “big” moments of life, for grand gestures, and displays of affection. And my regular readers will know I battle the need for approval. Approval generally comes through accomplishment, but that’s not the Lord.

The Lord was real sweet to me as I drove from Sacramento to Redding today. He told me how He’d always been with me, through every second of my life. Upon hearing those words, every painful memory I own surfaced as if on parade. On cue the Holy Spirit said, “I was there for all those moments too.” After a beat I tried to think of my favorite memories. Immediately my mind went to what have I accomplished? The answer- depending on your point of view- is not much. So I asked God, “What are your favorite moments of my life?” He just laughed. “What I value, you do not value. And, I have many.”

How humble and Godly is it to value the small, forgotten seconds of life? Apparently, that’s what the Lord love about me. Sure, graduating college was great, so was the day I decide to forever walk away from suicide. One improved my life, and the other preserved it.

I want to do more of that. I want to value what Jesus values in myself and in others. I’m as guilty as anyone for looking to the “big” moments of life, for grand gestures, and displays of affection. And my regular readers will know I battle the need for approval. Approval generally comes through accomplishment, but that’s not the Lord. I mean…how do we impress someone who already loves us, favors us, and cheers us on?

I aim to find out.

Nik Curfman 2/2/21 Nik Curfman 2/2/21

Abstract: Sunshine and the Storms

Nothing of this world or the next,

Not a thought, emotion, or belief,

That can or could separate me from Him,

His light and constant Grace.

Here I stand, where the dark clouds and sunshine meet.

The bright light against the ominous shadow is stunning.

All truth in a snapshot of Nature.

I once lived in fear of the storms,

Even on the sunniest of days,

My thoughts reminded me of the thunder to come.

And, come it did.

Violent wind and lightning stomped its way through my heart,

At times, in endless waves.

I felt alone and lost,

Unworthy of anything but chaos and shame.

In my powerlessness, I medicated with temporary pleasures and sad songs,

Doomed to sit in the pit of self-pity I dug for me.

“What is life?” I wondered.

Then, on an ordinary day, in an ordinary way, I beheld my constant friend,

The Sun.

Our source of life and light, warmth and health.

He’s is always there, shinning His blessing on each of us.

The downpours come and go, but the Sun remains.

Day after day, I began to focus on the Him,

And, His grace eternal.

Day after day, I began to believe in the power of the Sun to heal my life,

Rather than the ability of the storms to destroy it.

Now, I know the Truth beyond experience or feeling.

Storms are part of life- a necessary part of life.

Regardless of how black their shadow or loud their scream,

The Sun still shines on the other side, and I will behold Him again.

When the rage subsides and the cover fades,

I will march out into His bright light,

To absorb His goodness, and find my strength renewed.

There is nothing on earth, old or new,

Nothing of this world or the next,

Not a thought, emotion, or belief,

That can or could separate me from Him,

His light and constant Grace.

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Nik Curfman 12/24/20 Nik Curfman 12/24/20

Journal: #156 Jesus The Teacher

I want to be this kind of crazy. I want to see what’s possible from rubble of life. I want to act on the impossible to see the goodness of the Lord showered on all people. From Luke 9 it’s clear. We’ve got to invite the Lord into all the places of our heart and lives.

The last month, I’ve read the Gospels in parallel. What that means is, for example, I read Matthew 9 on Monday, Mark 9 on Tuesday, and Luke 9 last night. Today I will read John chapter 9. I do this because I want to stay connected to what Jesus said and did on Earth, and to notice the differences between each version of His story.

The Gospels Are Good

I never fail to notice something new or interesting in my reading, even if I’ve read it before. Last week Luke 8 stood out. It’s the only Gospel that mentions the women who followed Jesus, and this is important. For starters, ancient writings- like those from highly regarded Greek philosophers like Aristotle and Plato- were not kind to women. Jesus was unique in regard and treatment of women in the ancient world*.

Jesus the Teacher

In reading Luke 9 last night, a sequence of events stood out. First, Jesus sent out His disciples to preach the Gospel and heal people. He gave them specific instructions in regard to faith and how to move on if people don’t like what they did. In verse 6, we are told they were successful. Next, we read the miracle story of Jesus feeding the 5,000.

Consider this, the disciples just finished a successful miracle healing tour. And now, they needed to feed a bunch of people. Their solution was to send the people into the nearby towns to eat and sleep. It’s not a bad solution, and very practical. But, Jesus ever the teacher, envisioned something else.

Jesus the Faithful

The disciples saw only what they had in hand, not what was possible. All their logic and wisdom told them five loaves of bread and two dead fish are not enough to feed 5,000 people. The math checks out. I would’ve replied as they did,”Hey Jesus, we don’t have it bro. Let’s send them away.”

I love how Jesus responded to their wisdom, “You feed them.” Classic Jesus. How many times does He say something ridiculous in response to a question? The answer is many. He’s crazy. For human eyes and human ears, and hearts focused on human means, Jesus is crazy.

He didn’t see five loaves and two fish. Jesus saw 5,000 people fed. Then He asked, “what do I have to get it done?” He created a place for the Father to provide, and it was more than enough.

I Want Crazy

Ridiculous faith requires a different kind of vision and action. It looks silly and talks silly, but lives like no one else. That’s what I want, and I aim to get.

Foot Notes:

*In fact, the way Jesus treated women and their role in the early church is remarkable considering how women are treated throughout history. Jesus never treated women as inferior or a “lesser vessel.”

It’s a topic I will discuss in greater detail next year, but consider this: the first person Jesus revealed Himself (a revelation) to after His resurrection was a woman. And then He told her to tell everyone else(preach and teach.) There’s nothing more you need to know about what role Jesus has for women in the church.

Lord, bless my heart and mind. Give me vision to see what’s possible from what I have. I do not lack, and I trust you to lead me into the impossible.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/24/20 Nik Curfman 12/24/20

Abstraction: 5 Loaves, 2 Fish

Perspective is powerful. When we focus on what we lack we will always lack. When we are thankful for what we have, the Lord will bless it beyond our comprehension.

There is always enough. I am always enough. You are always enough. He will always provide. Your focus determines your blessing.

The need was great,

A multitude of people in search of a King,

They found Him, like all hungry people do, in the Wilderness.

Away from comfort and order, He touched their hearts and healed their broken bodies.

The Gospel in action.

But, they needed more.

The folksy wisdom of His students spoke,

“Send them away to eat and sleep.”

Once again, they offered only lack.

The Teacher’s reply?

“You feed them.”

Once again, He challenged His pupils.

“We do not have enough. What shall we do?”

Unfazed, still teaching and demonstrating what faith is, the Master went to work.

He didn’t see five loaves of bread and a few dead fish.

He envisioned five-thousand people fed.

Where the disciples saw lack, Jesus saw provision.

And then, He created a space for the Father to love His children.

Perspective is powerful. When we focus on what we lack we will always lack. When we are thankful for what we have, the Lord will bless it beyond our comprehension.

There is always enough. I am always enough. You are always enough. He will always provide. Your focus determines your blessing.

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Nik Curfman 12/12/20 Nik Curfman 12/12/20

Journal: #145 Snakes And Worms

Snakes in the road. Worms in the garden. That’s life with Jesus.

Last night I had two odd, and apparently unconnected, dreams. They were both flashes of a dream lasting mere seconds. I nearly forgot about them if not for my usual stroll with the Lord this morning.

Dream One

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In the first dream, I walked down a long road through a landscape similar to the one in the picture- the western United States. The next part is a bit odd, and as I said in the intro it all happened in a few seconds. Suddenly, no longer walking, I was pushed or pulled by a force I could not see…by my head. And, my head was on the ground. I wasn’t comfortable, just odd. Then, snakes. My head started to encounter packs of small snakes in the road, and they were mad.

The snakes were dull yellow and orange, They laid in tight bunches on the road, and hissed as I neared them. I believe they tried to bite me, and perhaps did. Regardless, they couldn’t hurt me. I recall thinking “this is odd,” but I was unafraid.

Dream Two

The second dream was similar. It was brief, more like a picture or gif than a full dream sequence. Again, my face was close to the ground. Instead of a road, this time it was green grass after a steady rain. I noticed the ground was alive and moved. It was worms, healthy earth worms. Then, the dream ended, and I continued to sleep.

How? Are These Connected?

Since my roommate is gone till January, I decided on a lazy start to my Saturday. At 9 AM I was still in bed, then I heard the Lord say, “Let’s go for a walk.” It’s a good thing He did. I wasn’t motivated to do much, and my head was filled with thoughts about recent political events. After I got dressed, made coffee, and began a load of clothes, I finally made it out the door.

My walk was a typical mix of focused prayers and random thoughts, punctuated with a few tears. The route I took was my usual route up the hill into the retirement community of mobile homes. In my ming, I wondered if the Lord had something for me, or if He was merely encouraging me to do something He knew I wanted to do.

Stupid Snakes

On my way back I noticed a collection of rubber animals outside one double wide. They are always there, and they feature a set of small snakes. In that moment I began to understand what the Lord wanted to communicate today. Up to that point, I’d forgotten all about my dreams from last night.

For the next few minutes I spoke to the Lord about snakes. They are predators, liars, and were after my mind. These weapons of the enemy hang out in packs, and are only effective if I stop to entertain them. These snakes are all the lies I believed in the past- I am a loser. I am not good enough, no one loves me, etc.

In His goodness, the Lord reminded me the snakes cannot hurt me, if I keep walking with Him. Snakes will always be part of the road, because it part of life in this earthly reality. It’s ok. I am made to overcome them. Every time.

Glory Worms

It would have been a good morning if that’s all the Lord showed me, but He wasn’t done. 50 feet from my front door, crawling across the sidewalk toward a patch grass was an earth worm. I didn’t need to ask the Lord a single question. When I saw the worm the Holy Spirit downloaded the answers into my soul before I asked the questions.

The worms are a sign of health, as worms help recycle dead biomass into fertilizer. And, the abundance of worms in my dream meant the Lord is working to grow my garden, even if I can’t see it. He’s working.

Snakes Are Part of Life, Gardens Our Destiny

The enemy wants us to believe the lies. And, if we don’t believe the lies, he wants us to focus on the presence of the lies. You’re a Christian. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. Something is wrong. It’s bullshit, and the enemy wants to turn our attention to anything other than Jesus.

The Lord is forever asking us to walk with Him. The invitation to meet Him in the Garden is eternal. It’s the place where we find life, grace, and love. And, He’s always moving. We are even destined to become gardens from Him, to host His presence and glory.

Snakes in the road. Worms in the garden. That’s life with Jesus.

The concept of the Lord moving in my life, without noticed or credit, is something I’ve thought about this year. Like worms under the surface of the ground, He’s never stops working.

The worship song below is my current favorite. It’s the Bethel Music of Osinachi Kalu Okoro Egbu’s Way Maker. Her original version is just as good.