Vol II: #9 Battling Depression
Alone time can be a space to rest and relax or a space where our thoughts attack us. When the thoughts or emotions are dark, we tend to run into the waiting arms of distraction. It’s why we choose to fill our time with meaningless jobs, hobbies, or relationships. It’s why people scroll for hours on their phones, searching for small hits of dopamine. Whatever awaits inside us is too great a dragon to slay.
I seek out people to distract myself, because it’s easy to ignore my festering wounds when I focus on my friends or family. Hell, most of us consider it noble to serve the needs of others. Right? The greatest among you is thy servant…said Jesus, our Lord and Savior. But like anything, serving people can and is often corrupted. The enemy would love for me to serve others as I die inside. I know this because that’s the story of my life.
Lately, I’ve let myself be distracted- by TV, social media, and anything promising to hold my attention. The alone time I treasure became a place of conflict and rejection. By Monday morning, I was fully depressed, and I briefly considered alternative paths for my future. Why do I really need to go to BSSM? Why not just travel and work? These are the thoughts of a man trying to escape pain instead of a hopeful man living one day at a time. My mind literally hurts when I feel this way.
The truth is I am uncertain of what BSSM will be, and I’m impatient. Despite these insecurities and moments of doubt, I am winning the war against anxiety and depression. The life giving routines I developed since 2019 are paying dividends, and I’m not trying to think my way out. My grace and relief is found on my walks and in prayer, mainly because I gave up trying to understand every detail and nuance of my life. There will always be parts of me I will never comprehend. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance, or some aspects of life will always be a challenge. ’Tis…what it is.
Today, I choose to love me, which includes being kind and gracious toward myself. It’s an opportunity to reflect the goodness of the Lord inside me, on myself. It’s odd right? To think this way? But, it’s no less true. Nothing in the Gospel commands us to love ourselves less. Service is about bonding our fate to the fate of others, not self-debasement. When Jesus wandered into the mountains as He did, it was for love and to seek the Father. He went away to face whatever crap was on His mind and the issues in His heart. And if Jesus took time to challenge and defeat personal attacks of the enemy, so will I.
