Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 8/14/21 Nik Curfman 8/14/21

Abstract: Talking To Myself

The reason I talked to myself is uncomplicated,

I’ve always talked to myself.

As a boy, I couldn’t help it.

As a man, it’s necessary.

I talk to myself.

It’s not a poetic or noble fact,

but a true fact nonetheless.

I talk to myself in stores- the only reason I loved wearing a mask.

I carry my conversations from the car into each store,

why wouldn’t I?

It can be problematic,

such as when I ask myself “ are the bell peppers ripe?”

I may receive a reply from a thoughtful shopper or store employee.

My favorite is when I’m in the woods, all alone.

I cuss, argue, and cry,

laugh, whisper, and explain,

with nary a care or consideration.

The reason I talk to myself is uncomplicated,

I’ve always talked to myself.

As a boy, I couldn’t help it.

As a man, it’s necessary.

Whenever I hear my thoughts loud and unhindered,

I understand them, and in turn, find ways through the murky parts of my soul.

This is the power of words, as Jesus said,

they will move mountains,

especially those lodged in my heart and mind.

Nik Curfman 7/28/21 Nik Curfman 7/28/21

Vol II: #9 Battling Depression

Lately, I’ve let myself be distracted- by TV, social media, and anything promising to hold my attention. The alone time I treasure became a place of conflict and rejection. By Monday morning, I was fully depressed, and I briefly considered alternative paths for my future. Why do I really need to go to BSSM? Why not just travel and work? These are the thoughts of a man trying to escape pain instead of a hopeful man living one day at a time. My mind literally hurts when I feel this way.

Alone time can be a space to rest and relax or a space where our thoughts attack us. When the thoughts or emotions are dark, we tend to run into the waiting arms of distraction. It’s why we choose to fill our time with meaningless jobs, hobbies, or relationships. It’s why people scroll for hours on their phones, searching for small hits of dopamine. Whatever awaits inside us is too great a dragon to slay.

I seek out people to distract myself, because it’s easy to ignore my festering wounds when I focus on my friends or family. Hell, most of us consider it noble to serve the needs of others. Right? The greatest among you is thy servant…said Jesus, our Lord and Savior. But like anything, serving people can and is often corrupted. The enemy would love for me to serve others as I die inside. I know this because that’s the story of my life.

Lately, I’ve let myself be distracted- by TV, social media, and anything promising to hold my attention. The alone time I treasure became a place of conflict and rejection. By Monday morning, I was fully depressed, and I briefly considered alternative paths for my future. Why do I really need to go to BSSM? Why not just travel and work? These are the thoughts of a man trying to escape pain instead of a hopeful man living one day at a time. My mind literally hurts when I feel this way.

The truth is I am uncertain of what BSSM will be, and I’m impatient. Despite these insecurities and moments of doubt, I am winning the war against anxiety and depression. The life giving routines I developed since 2019 are paying dividends, and I’m not trying to think my way out. My grace and relief is found on my walks and in prayer, mainly because I gave up trying to understand every detail and nuance of my life. There will always be parts of me I will never comprehend. Maybe I have a chemical imbalance, or some aspects of life will always be a challenge. ’Tis…what it is.

Today, I choose to love me, which includes being kind and gracious toward myself. It’s an opportunity to reflect the goodness of the Lord inside me, on myself. It’s odd right? To think this way? But, it’s no less true. Nothing in the Gospel commands us to love ourselves less. Service is about bonding our fate to the fate of others, not self-debasement. When Jesus wandered into the mountains as He did, it was for love and to seek the Father. He went away to face whatever crap was on His mind and the issues in His heart. And if Jesus took time to challenge and defeat personal attacks of the enemy, so will I.

Nik Curfman 6/21/21 Nik Curfman 6/21/21

Journal: #313 My Need For Routines

I am an unapologetic, emotional man. I feel my feelings in a very visceral manner— sharp and unavoidable. When I hope, it’s big. When I despair, it’s dark*. That’s the way I am, and I’m ok with it. What I had to learn was how to function within these swings of emotion. My routines help me level each day. On the hard days, I stumble through my routines. I mumble my prayers and squeak out blog posts. But, at the end of the day, I am proud I didn’t give in to the liars in my head. Despite feelings and thoughts to the contrary, I won the day.

My friend Blake texted me early today. He wanted to know if I ‘still practice daily affirmation.’ Of course, I do. After years of verbal self-destruction, I actively reclaim my mind and self-worth every day. It’s vital to walking in my calling. More than that, it’s vital to my sense of self. If I think and believe I’m shit, I will act like shit. This belief is also in direct conflict with the value the Lord placed on my life. It clashes with His promises. And ultimately, it leads to pain and suffering.

When I agree with the Lord— I am loved and worthy of love- the world becomes a place of wonder and opportunity. My thoughts or emotions no longer threaten me. My sin does not separate me from Him. Instead of holding on to what I’ve got, of expecting the worse, I begin to see what’s possible in my life. My behavior turns from self-protection and critical to hopeful and kind. (If I’m not kind, then I feel threatened.)

To be transparent, not every day is a winner. When I affirm myself and the word of the Lord over my life, it does not translate into a sudden burst of supernatural energy or power. This process is a daily grind, which can be difficult for me. As stated in previous blogs, I hate routine. Yet, I acknowledge I cannot live without them. My goal is to find the most life-giving and fruitful routines. It’s why I make my bed first thing in the morning, every morning. That little habit gives me a small but important sense of order and accomplishment. It’s like a little win to start my day.

*Good feelings can be as destructive as bad feelings. Feeling good Nik likes to spend money and eat whatever he wants. Feeling good Nik starts taking online classes and says yes to everything. Feeling good Nik has no limits. Thankfully, I learned to channel the good emotions into my routines and goals.

Nik Curfman 4/2/21 Nik Curfman 4/2/21

Journal: #245 Shedding Approval

If 2021 is the year I finally shed my need for approval, it’ll be a great year. My best life requires strength to be who the Lord called me to be in face of criticism, praise, or in the stillness of the spring of 2021. I’m here for it.

My stroll through the fields and forest of upper Churn Creek this morning produced the type of moment I’ve been desperate to encounter. The Lord was there, and He was a kind and honest as ever. So was I.

Since the beginning of March, I’ve felt unmotivated. I’m not angry or upset, although possibly a bit depressed. Today I realized one possible explanation for my lack of gumption is I feel alone. To clarify, I feel loved and appreciated by my friends and family. What I mean is, I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do. So, what’s the point? Am I really excellent at a thing if no one is watching? In these thoughts lay the deep flaw of my heart. Why do I crave the approval and approval of others? Even down to writing and drawing, it’s as if I need praise.

This entire line of thinking/fear is a trap. I can’t wonder through life by the affirmation of others. I need something else.

I spoke the Holy Spirit about my problem. The response was perfect. This is the season to be who I am, especially because no one is watching. Last summer and fall I held out hopes a certain lady would notice me. As that light has flickered out, I am without a star to navigate my heart. What if I choose wrong? What if I’m not accept to anyone? What if I fail at being me? The Holy Spirit told be the next few months are exactly where I need to be. My task to continue to show up, with any major promises or rewards on the other side. This time is special because no one it watching. Use it to love on you, and vanquish your old demon.

Nik Curfman 1/27/21 Nik Curfman 1/27/21

Journal: #188 Walking in the Snow

Ten thousand steps is an arbitrary number of steps to walk, but it’s isn’t about the number of steps. Every day I cross that threshold, I prove to myself how much I love myself. I shift my schedule, plan breaks, and replace shoes all in an effort to love me. I am important, and I will not let snow or slush tell me I’m not.

I have several people in my life who seem more attune to the weather in Redding than me. If an extreme change is in the forecast, they’ll tell me. It’s nice. I feel like I have a personal concierge service specifically dedicated to my weather concerns, an odd yet highly useful blessing.

The Sky is Falling

Last week one of my amateur meteorologists warned of a forecasted snow storm. I can’t remember my exact response but I’m sure it included sarcasm and/or mockery. Most of my life I’ve lived in climates unaccustomed to the white blanket. Forecasts of snow storms often dissolved into cold showers, and nothing more. Once I heard of the coming blizzard I assumed more rain was on its way.

I Doubt The Sky is falling

Yesterday was to be the day of Snowpocalypse 2021 in Redding. I checked and rechecked my weather app. How can it snow if the air temperature doesn’t fall below 35 degrees? The rain began to fall at 2 PM. Clearly the weather witch doctors were wrong.

At 4:30 pm, I made my first post to Instagram. Mockingly, I recorded the rain and added “Let It Snow” as sung by Frank Sinatra. Can’t fool me weather nerds. I felt snarky and a bit arrogant, but it was all in good fun. I closed the blinds and finished my work for the day.

No, It’s really Falling

Two hours later, I checked my phone. And, you know what I saw: posts of children and dogs playing in fresh snow. I laughed at myself and sauntered over to the sliding glass door. Yes, it was snowing in my yard too. I was wrong. The snow had come, about half an inch covered the landscape.

Out of humility, I posted “Joked too soon.” That’s that, except it wasn’t.

NO-NO, It’s Really falling

An hour later, large collections of snowflakes began to paint every surface, crack, and cranny of the Redding. For hours, they fell until a half inch of snow tuned into four inches of packed powder. The joke was on me.

If you follow my blog you know part of my self-care is walking at least ten thousand steps per day. (You can read those blogs here, here, and here.) At present, my goal is 45 consecutive days of +10k step. The slushy snow and intermittent rain forecast for today threatened to sack my goal at 30 days.

No excuses

I nearly gave up at 5100 steps this afternoon. I almost let this weather, my lack of winter clothing, and the fading day light defeat me. Then I decided I wouldn’t not give myself permission to fail. After a tri-tip dinner with a friend, I went home to complete my needed steps.

Since I needed so many steps to finish the day strong, I couldn’t wear my boots. They are too heavy when speed is required. I wanted to wear my beater running shoes, but they are made to breath. In a hilarious madness, I tied plastic grocery bags around my each foot then slide my ragged shoes over the plastic bags. My feet might be cold but they would not be wet.

My late evening stroll was routine by any standard except the large piles of snow that covered each side of the road and the sidewalks. Mostly clear roads and few passing cars allowed tonight to be a fine evening for walk. It would’ve been a waste to waste it.

My Walks are More Than Walks

I’m proud of myself for pushing through the snow and metal slush today. My dad is fond of saying,”you can always find a reason to do something, or not do something.” He’s right. Every day presents us with encouragement to carry on and excuses to turn back as we pursue goals or dreams. In the end, it’s about what we believe.

I believe a day is better when I go for walks. Ten thousand steps is an arbitrary number of steps to walk, but it isn’t about the number of steps. Every day I cross that threshold, I prove to myself how much I love myself. I shift my schedule, plan breaks, and replace shoes all in an effort to love me. I am important, and I will not let snow or slush tell me I’m not.

The walks aren’t just about me, but Him too. Every midday outing is chance to pray and connect to the Holy Spirit. It’s our time together. What may look like a man talking to himself as I saunter around the neighborhood is so much more. It’s where I find life, release frustration, and regain my center in Jesus.

How can I deny myself all that? I can’t, and I won’t.

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Nik Curfman 1/12/21 Nik Curfman 1/12/21

Journal: #173 Favorite Moments of 2020: Self-Care

What I can do is continue do love myself everyday. So I’ll keep going on my walks, praying and singing to the Lord, writing blog posts, and distancing myself from people who seek to become anchors around my ass. One way or another, I’m going to live and enjoy my life. It’s a gift from God, and I will treat it as such.

This post is third of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, and #4 Discovering Myself here.

Learning From Disaster

The conviction to love myself sunk into my chest on a tear-filled Friday afternoon. It was on that day I finally understood there was a part of my heart designed for me- a part of my soul only I can love and service. I’ve got to serve me as I would anyone else.

On that day, my undiagnosable stomach ailment had returned, the woman I loved was losing her battle with anxiety, and my business partner had grown distant in anticipation of our split. Unable to work, I went home and sobbed into the carpet before the Lord. I tried everything I knew to avoid this pain, but it came all the same.

Stop Ignoring Me

I believe the break-up and business split would’ve happened regardless of what I said or did. Ironically, I was on both sides of each parting. My heart was in one venture, but not in the other. What I did not do well was handle the stress and strain. I didn’t care for myself through the fire, and nearly burnt out…again.

In this place, I turned to the Lord and finally laid down the last bit of control I held. For 40 years, I’ve tried to be all the things, and now I was broken. Really broken, mind, body, and spirit.

Alright Lord, let’s do this your way. Forever.

Message From Jesus: Love Thyself

What’s amazing about that moment is the Lord turned it back on me. He told me to do what’s in my heart to do, and love myself. How awesome is that? The Holy Spirit didn’t command me to scale a mountain or get a thousand people saved. It said “be you.”

Since that afternoon in late May, I’ve learned what it means to love Nik. It looks like long walks and saying no to abusive relationships. It’s taking time to rest when my body hurts and my emotions are raw. Most importantly, it is making time every day to love and run after Jesus, to pray, to cry, and praise Him for the life He’s granted me.

This Moment Was in the Works

I can see in retrospect I’ve been on this path for the last 4-5 years. I’ve learned to love being in nature. My first trip to the Redwoods made my heart come alive as I drank in the landscape of giant trees, winding streams, and mist. During the COVID quarantine I went on a lot of walks, usually with Ms C. Even without her, I found a peace and glory in just moving through the world outside of the shelters we create.

And, I finally found the inner strength to let go of toxic relationships. I wasn’t aware of the amount of stress I carried because of the power I gave to certain voices in my life. And now that they are gone, my stress level is much lower. The lack of shitty voices also created a space for new people to shine. This is the glory of God too.

Jesus Loved and Valued Himself

The world tells us we must tolerate the bullshit people fling at us. It’s not true. Jesus was not a passive doormat. He challenged his followers, questioned His mother, and refused to conform to the norms.

No. I don’t see Jesus as some crazed, aggressive rebel as some posit Him to be. He also wept over Lazarus, felt compassion on the poor and down-hearted, and made time for the children. He preached of an eternal loving Father, grace for all, and hope for the hopeless.

If I Want To Live, I Gotta Love

None of us can stand in the place of our calling without strength, hope, and faith. And those of us who dare to threaten hell will be tested and attacked. One way to combat this is in the daily service of our physical bodies, our minds, and our hearts. This is why Jesus slept and often went away into the wilderness.

Yes. I plan and aim to be a mighty man of the Lord, whatever it looks like. I will expand the Kingdom and push the darkness back. I can’t do that if I’m full of fear, constantly worried what people will think, or unable to care for myself.

Love Is A Daily Habit

Last year was painful at times, and I expect to have more pain in the future. If I love a woman and she can’t or doesn’t want to love me back, there’s nothing I can do about it. If someone I partner with decides to go a different way or default on our agreement, there’s not much I can do but bleed and heal.

That’s life.

What a gracious moment in the middle of a storm. To feel the conviction of what “love thyself” truly means and see what it is. Thank you Lord for this kindness. It came without guilt or sadness, and in a moment when my ears were open.

Thank you Lord. Your rebuke is truly better than secret love. It is not condemnation but a call to a higher level of life in You.

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Nik Curfman 1/8/21 Nik Curfman 1/8/21

Journal: #169 Favorite Moments of 2020: Loving Who I Am

In 2020, I learned I can no longer ignore myself. I must love who I am and respect the desires of my heart. It means I’ve got to run after what I buried…and trust the Lord. I am enough. What I want and who I am is enough.

This post is fourth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, and #5 Growing in Gratitude here.

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed if you will. Beginning in April of 2020, I was given the opportunity to explore my heart. Ignoring my heart, my soul, my being has only led to pain and suffering. On this occasion I was ready to let it be what it is, not what I think it should be.

I want to explain this process was not and is not easy. The examination of my inner being, what gives me life, where I find joy and wonder, is a scary. Yet, as I write, I am aware of a deeper more intimidating task.

It’s one thing to say what we want or who are. It’s another to guard and protect it, to nourish and feed it, to love ourselves the way we love others. This is the riskiest gambit of all. What if I fail at being me? What if my heart and soul tricked me? And, I will be poor and alone forever?

Therein lay the biggest lie: what I am, who I am, what I want isn’t good enough. But, good enough for what? For who? So now, for the first time I will admit something. I’ve been so scared of being a poor husband and father I judged all of my life choices and desires through this lens. The choices I made in life from trying to lose weight to becoming a partner in a BBQ business were for them.

The desires in my heart- to love people, to write, to sculpt, to invest- weren’t good enough. I’d never make enough money to support them the way I being myself. So….I’ve got to be someone else.

This blog is more than just a blog, is an enduring demonstration of self-love. Every day I write and post is a moment I choose to love me, to feed my heart, and be who I am. Some days are more rewarding than others, and some more difficult. Regardless of the result, I never regret this space. Regardless of how many people read my words, I will continue to write. And no matter what any woman thinks, I won’t stop.

I still have to learn a lot about what it means to love myself and serve my heart. It’s easy to slip into old patterns of fear, to put off the scary and intimidating. But, I will not relent or make excuses. Gains will be made followed by the occasion step back. I’m ok with that.

Above all, learning to love myself includes being kind and gracious with me. It’s ok when I fail and the world seems to weigh heavier than normal. It’s ok when my future seems like a long way off. And it’s definitely ok that I’m not perfect.

I love me, my brain, my heart, and my constant belief in good of each human. I love my heart for God and His presence, and delicious food. And, I really love my ability to continue on through pain and disappointment.

2020 gave me the opportunity to love and appreciate me, and face my fears. How great is that?

Here is short form list of a few more aspects of who I am:

I am more risk tolerant than most. An individual’s ability to handle risk, to live in uncertainty, face the possibility of loss or pain depends on the person. In the last ten years alone, I moved around the country, held various jobs in various fields, and met a lot of people. And the older I get the more effort I put into life. I don’t mind change or think failure is the end.
I don’t love sports, but they are ok. I was once a massive sports fan, not any more. I didn’t miss basketball or baseball when they were cancelled last spring. But, this fall, I found myself enjoying college football in a detached way. I think i could learn to be a super casual sports fan.
Being a foodie is not part of my identity. For years, I ingratiated myself to people through food. I cooked for people and propped myself up as an expert. My knowledge and experience is vast, so it’s not a bad way to lead into a new relationship. It’s just not how I want to be seen and known. I love my creativity and compassion for people, and that’s how I want to be known.
I’d rather be outside than inside. Again, thank God for COVID. Without the distraction of sports, I got outside. I love it. I love walks and hikes, the clouds and sun. The progression of nature through each season is far more interesting than anything on TV. It’s slow and methodical, yet relentless.
My future is bright. One thing I love about myself is I am a fighter. I didn’t see it until this year, but I will not be a person “stuck in my ways.” I want to learn, to grow, to live better and love people more than I did a year ago. My growth is uneven and inconsistent, but it is trending in the right direction.

I’ll finish by repeating what I wrote in the introduction. My decision to listen to the Lord and allow Him to expose my heart was an incredible moment. I’m amazing and what’s in my heart is good. If that’s all I learned in 2020, that would be enough.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for exposing the lies that held me inside. Just as importantly, thank you for showing me the goodness you put inside me. That’s your DNA, the eternal Goodness. Forgive me for ignoring it until now. I want to make up for time lost. I know we will.

Amen.