Journal: #245 Shedding Approval
My stroll through the fields and forest of upper Churn Creek this morning produced the type of moment I’ve been desperate to encounter. The Lord was there, and He was a kind and honest as ever. So was I.
Since the beginning of March, I’ve felt unmotivated. I’m not angry or upset, although possibly a bit depressed. Today I realized one possible explanation for my lack of gumption is I feel alone. To clarify, I feel loved and appreciated by my friends and family. What I mean is, I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do. So, what’s the point? Am I really excellent at a thing if no one is watching? In these thoughts lay the deep flaw of my heart. Why do I crave the approval and approval of others? Even down to writing and drawing, it’s as if I need praise.
This entire line of thinking/fear is a trap. I can’t wonder through life by the affirmation of others. I need something else.
I spoke the Holy Spirit about my problem. The response was perfect. This is the season to be who I am, especially because no one is watching. Last summer and fall I held out hopes a certain lady would notice me. As that light has flickered out, I am without a star to navigate my heart. What if I choose wrong? What if I’m not accept to anyone? What if I fail at being me? The Holy Spirit told be the next few months are exactly where I need to be. My task to continue to show up, with any major promises or rewards on the other side. This time is special because no one it watching. Use it to love on you, and vanquish your old demon.
If 2021 is the year I finally shed my need for approval, it’ll be a great year. My best life requires strength to be who the Lord called me to be in face of criticism, praise, or in the stillness of the spring of 2021. I’m here for it.
