Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/23/23 Nik Curfman 1/23/23

Vol III: #55 Growth

Have you heard corn grow? I have. On a breezeless June afternoon in a cornfield in western Pennsylvania, I heard the corn grow. The noise was soft and sounded like something between a squeak and a squirt, the audible evidence of constant growth. I don’t know if you’d hear corn grow if it were only one plant or even twenty. But among the hundreds and thousands of stalks, the tiny bursts created a delightful effect. I laughed as I stood and listened with my eyes closed. Even a blind man would know the corn was healthy and living as it should. No eyes needed.

This is what’s good about a school or class, the ability to measure growth and see progress as part of a group. Because when we are alone, no one is around to hear see our growth or witness our pops of brilliance. The only measuring stick is what we see in the mirror. And the person we see today is similar to the person we saw yesterday, just slightly more so. There is ease at being in the middle of a pack, a tribe hunting and gathering in the modern time. But, on our own? Without gold stars, bonuses, or plaques? The way we live outside of schools and communities and the progress we make, this is who we really are.

As I see it, there are two big hurdles to clear as we navigate life outside the Greenhouse or away from the fields. One, to deny and condemn all the lies that tell us we are anything other than who we are- children of God. And two, that God isn’t God. The evil in the world wants you and me to believe we are anything other than the corn we were called and created to be. But never waver or forget. You were planted were you are and you are growing. Even if we can’t hear it, or see it…no one walks with the Lord and remains unchanged.

Nik Curfman 1/10/23 Nik Curfman 1/10/23

Vol III: #52 Two-Minutes

I have, for all my life, believed change was hard- especially lifestyle changes or career shifts. Every failed diet and each broken venture was the evidence for my belief. Despite this over-arching belief, I found holes of success over the last few years. For example, I am a much more neat and clean person/housemate than ever. I make my bed, take out the trash, and clean the dishes because I like to have a made bed, an empty trash can, and clean dishes. But, of course, the best evidence I can make lasting/significant changes is this blog.

Still, the bigger changes have eluded me. Until now.

(I want to say before I continue, I’m not into self-help the way I once was. My goal is the follow the Lord and attack whatever He told me to do. Everything I do is in support of this perspective. If the Lord told me to be a teacher, I wouldn’t be writing this blog. Instead, I’d be in a class, on my way to a teacher’s certification. But the Lord told me to write and generally be the creative person He created me to be. So, I’m learning, the very hard way, how to be me.)

Until now, I didn’t know how to develop the type of work ethic required to be a successful writer and artist. What changed a very short video on how to develop new habits. It’s called the 2-minute rule, and it’s easy. The gist of it is, instead of trying to commit 30 minutes or an hour per day to a new habit, start with two minutes. That’s easy and everyone can do it. Once the basic habit is established, push it to three minutes and then four. The thing is, when you do a task everyday for two weeks, the task or project begins to feel like part of your life.

Two-minutes folks. Do anything for two minutes per day, for a month. Then see where you land.

Nik Curfman 8/16/22 Nik Curfman 8/16/22

Vol III: #6 Killing The Critic

The Bible doesn’t say “behold I sit at the right hand and I hate on all your flaws and mistakes.” On the contrary, Jesus is rooting for us. That’s who I want to be- the one who believes the best about people and calls them reach their potential. And far be it from me to judge where they are in the process. Kill the critic, I say. That bastard is hurting everyone.

I haven’t sent my DNA to be a lab, but I assume most of my genes come from west Germany. The rest of my DNA is most likely from the British Isles with scattered contributions from France and the Netherlands. This conglomeration is why I call myself a Euro-mutt when asked “what are you?” (The most accurate answer is “I’m American,” but that’s not the point.)

Culturally, of any foreign culture I’ve encountered, I am German to the bone. It’s a country and people I understand with little effort. From my perspective, Germans are kind and generous. They appreciate order and a clean street. And, they are a hard-working bunch. To these points, the old man I stayed with, Manfred, was the German version of all my great uncles. He offered me his best food and drinks and patiently answered all my questions about Kaiserstuhl. (The wine making land around Botzingen.) Though retired, he still works three part-time jobs and is a deacon in the church. I could’ve called him Uncle Manfred.

While most of my visit was a blast, one aspect of German culture I recognized made me sick to my stomach. It’s when I heard people criticizing each other that my heart sank into my feet. “Why didn’t you do this? He should’ve (fill-in the blank) more. I would’ve done better.” Honestly, I wanted to cry. And, in weird way, I was relieved. The Curfmans can be very critical of each other (and ourselves), and this trip helped me to see it is a cultural inheritance. To be a critic is a learned behavior. I needed to observe it in another culture to understand how and why I had similar traits.

Culture, on a large scale, is hard to break. But, on a personal level, it’s easy to smash. To be a critic is boring and hard work. I can’t begin to count all the hours I’ve wasted on my opinions and pride. The thing is, it is easy to see where people are flawed and make mistakes. Hello to being human. And, I don’t want to be an asshole to others or myself.

Nik Curfman 9/7/21 Nik Curfman 9/7/21

Abstract: Learning To Use My Words

A poem about learning to use my words, to give life.

At first, I didn’t know the power of my words,

until I crushed a friend or family member with them.

Then I learned to keep my pain to myself,

preferring to suffering in silence.

Later on, I was reminded my words can create boundaries and limits,

when people try to use and abuse me.

Now, I stand on the bridge to the high tower,

where my words are tactful and honoring,

for me and for them,

regardless of emotion or intent.

The best words, even those born of conflict,

still- in a manner only possible through Him- create life.

Nik Curfman 4/2/21 Nik Curfman 4/2/21

Journal: #245 Shedding Approval

If 2021 is the year I finally shed my need for approval, it’ll be a great year. My best life requires strength to be who the Lord called me to be in face of criticism, praise, or in the stillness of the spring of 2021. I’m here for it.

My stroll through the fields and forest of upper Churn Creek this morning produced the type of moment I’ve been desperate to encounter. The Lord was there, and He was a kind and honest as ever. So was I.

Since the beginning of March, I’ve felt unmotivated. I’m not angry or upset, although possibly a bit depressed. Today I realized one possible explanation for my lack of gumption is I feel alone. To clarify, I feel loved and appreciated by my friends and family. What I mean is, I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do. So, what’s the point? Am I really excellent at a thing if no one is watching? In these thoughts lay the deep flaw of my heart. Why do I crave the approval and approval of others? Even down to writing and drawing, it’s as if I need praise.

This entire line of thinking/fear is a trap. I can’t wonder through life by the affirmation of others. I need something else.

I spoke the Holy Spirit about my problem. The response was perfect. This is the season to be who I am, especially because no one is watching. Last summer and fall I held out hopes a certain lady would notice me. As that light has flickered out, I am without a star to navigate my heart. What if I choose wrong? What if I’m not accept to anyone? What if I fail at being me? The Holy Spirit told be the next few months are exactly where I need to be. My task to continue to show up, with any major promises or rewards on the other side. This time is special because no one it watching. Use it to love on you, and vanquish your old demon.

Nik Curfman 2/15/21 Nik Curfman 2/15/21

Journal: #206 Today Was a Smooth Day

Today was a smooth day, no lumps or bumps. Everything went according to plan, and I was not hounded by anxiety or any particular fear. Naturally, I wanted something to go wrong. Peace and contentment are uncommon, so I feel odd when they are present.

There’s an alternative narrative to today. Maybe, just maybe, I’m learning to handle my life without flipping out. It might only last a day, but consider the following. My dad still has cancer. I thought about my old girlfriend a few times. Rain fell all day, which made my walks a sloppy affair. And, I think I gained a pound or two since I got to Columbia.

Is all that so bad? I don’t know. Cancer sucks, and I’d rather not think about someone who dumped me. I’d also like the dogs in my parents neighborhood to shut the f*ck up, but I’m not concerned about the weight. In all honesty, I’m not concerned about any of it.

Yes. My dad has cancer. All my worry and hand-wringing won’t stop it. Prayer and/or modern medicine will. Seems pretty simple.

Yes. I thought about the former lady friend. I’m not going to kick myself for it any longer. Thoughts are thoughts. They aren’t sins, and don’t have to carry anxiety with them. I also thought about politics, marketing, and meme I saw on Reddit. So what?

The rain isn’t awesome. The dogs are worse. But, I walk for me. I’ll walk whenever and wherever I need to walk.

As for my weight, I think I’m overeating cheese and nuts. It’s nothing to freak out over, so I won’t.

I think ending my streak on walks, posts, and journaling help remove a need to perform. I can take everyday as it comes now. I wasn’t particularly jazzed about writing this blog post, but here I am. I want to do this, regardless of my motivation.

This moment seems like one of those moments when the Lords is doing something. Last week He told me to stop looking at numbers. I gotta say, I’m seeing a difference. My thoughts to do not drift uncontrollably to the opinions of others. It helps to just do. I’m reminded of when I first began to blog last July. No one knew I had a blog; therefore, I wrote whatever I wanted to write.

It was awesome- and if my entire life is going to turn into that- I’m for it.

Lord, you are wise beyond anything I will ever understand. Thank you for giving me practical actions to help me live my best life. More Lord. Amen.