Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 7/6/21 Nik Curfman 7/6/21

Journal: #327 My Friend David

You might say this trip is an elaborate excuse to talk in person to him. David is one of those friends who is willing to teach and explain. And, his patience is legendary. He never makes me feel stupid or ashamed for any of my interests.

Hello from New Orleans. It’s like Charleston, but more flamboyant. I’m with one of my best friends, David. We spent the day fishing on the bayou and it was fantastic. For starters, we actually caught fish. For amateur fishermen, that’s a big deal. Guys like us don’t usually catch much. We’d like to thank our guide and lifelong fisherman Jimmy. He was as Louisiana as you’d imagine— a distinct cajun accent, thick forearms, and never too far from a shaker of creole seasoning.

On paper, David and I have little in common. He’s married with four children, tall, and skinny (though more round than ever.) My friend grew up a missionary kid in Colombia and is fluent in three languages. History is his passion, so he never misses an opportunity to stop by a museum or battlefield. (One reason will likely visit the War War 2 museum tomorrow.)

In case you need a refresher, I’m still very single and a bit round. My formative years were also spent in a Columbia. In South Carolina. I’m still learning to write in my native English language, and I’d rather go to an art museum. Of course none these differences matter. It’s the conversations we will have along each stop that matter.

David and I spent the evening discussing God and politics as we drove up to New Orleans. I loved it. In all honesty, real conversation with him is all I want. You might say this trip is an elaborate excuse to talk in person to him. David is one of those friends who is willing to teach and explain. And, his patience is legendary. He never makes me feel stupid or ashamed for any of my interests.

As I think about today and what’s the rest of the week holds, I know I’m blessed. I’m blessed to have a great friend willing to meet me anywhere he can. Moreover, I’m blessed to be able to afford the trip and work for a company will to let me work whenever I want. One day soon I’ll have a different set of blessings— hopefully including a wife and kids. I won’t be able to pick up and fly to New Orleans or go solo hiking in Oregon.

For now, I’m going to soak up the rest of the week and stretch every moment with David as long as possible. Once I return to Redding, it’ll be the dead of summer. The heat will be at its zenith, and I have no more trips planned. Then it’s an eight week sprint to September 7th, when I’ll make more friends.

Nik Curfman 4/11/21 Nik Curfman 4/11/21

Journal: #253 John & Natalie Take Risks

I love it. I love she quit her job to do soemthing she has to do. Maybe it gets published, maybe it doesn’t. Even if it is picked by an agent and published by a House, the book could flop in the eyes of readers. Still, so what?

Early this morning, I slung my coffee into an empty water bottle and hurried down the Five to Sacramento for the day. I went to meet up with John and Natalie, who recently moved back to California from Atlanta. Today marked our first proper visit in three years.

I met John on my first day of first job in Redding. He was in his early twenties then, tall and charismatic. We worked side by side cold-calling prospects, which he took to like a fish to water. I was a bit more of a cat in a bath. I never liked sales and was glad when I finally quit the last sales job I’ll ever take.

John and Natalie met in Redding via BSSM and got married eight years ago. What I love about there vibe is their willingness to be who they are and take risks. They aren’t content with normal jobs and getting old. And then, there’s “her book.” Natalie’s book has been in process for at least seven years, having existed in some form for the last 5 years. Today Natalie told me she has completely rewritten the entire novel over the last three months. Why? Because. They are taking risks.

Natalie was case worker for a local autism non-profit when I first met her. Also tall but less charismatic than her husband, she is thoughtful and even-keeled. What her and John share most is a thirst to try new things, visit new places, and find adventure. When other couples their age think about buying a house and producing offspring, Natalie and John moved across the country, visited Turkey, Portugal, Taiwan, and Singapore, and tried their hand in at few small businesses.

After we ordered coffee, John began to fill me on why the sudden move back to California. It’s about “her book.” In the quest to get it published, my friends made a baller move. They decided she needed to write full-time. To afford the income reduction, they moved in with his parents…so she could write. I love it. I love she quit her job to do something she has to do. Maybe it gets published, maybe it doesn’t. Even if it is picked by an agent and published by a House, the book could flop in the eyes of readers. Still, so what? Success at any of those steps above would be amazing. Every rejection will sting. That’s the way it is. And yet…the unthinkable doesn’t happen if she doesn’t write or submit manuscripts.

I’d love to be that husband one day. I’d love for my wife to say “I’ve got to do this,” and then I do whatever is needed to help her make it happened. I’d rather be rejected a hundred times, than regret not trying. Admittedly, I want a wife who will do the same.

After a day of coffee, strolls through downtown Sacramento, and Chinese grocery stores, I hugged my friends and started home. Once I cleared Sacramento city traffic, I began to thank the Lord for my friends. They are unique in my life in character and vision. Of all the couples I know, I like their marriage the most for those reasons. They honor what the gifts the Lord gave them and step out in faith. It’s fun to watch.

Nik Curfman 4/7/21 Nik Curfman 4/7/21

Journal: Celebrate #250

I’ve come a long way over the last 3-4 years. This post, #250 is proof. I’m not the same cynical, angry man I was. I’m daring myself to live on the edge of what I believe and who I am. On occasion, it’s fucking scary.

Today, I celebrate Journal post 250. And, after some proper calculations, I am still on pace for 330 posts by July 11th. Why July 11th? Because. I started this blog on July 11th, 2020. It’s a date that changed my history.

I am proud of what I’ve accomplished the last nine months. Through considerable highs and lows, I continue to write and express. It serves my heart as only I can.

Mostly, I’m proud I decided to put my faith in the Lord. He’s the one shining a light on the dark rooms of my heart. He says, “Remember this?” And, either instantly or eventually, I recall what’s in these forgotten chambers. The writer. The artist. The man who’s greatest life goal is “to love people.” The analytical. The emotional. The visionary. The strong. The brave. The faithful. The prophetic. The worshipper.

On days such as this, when I survey my life, the empty room in which I sit, it may appear as though I’m drifting through life. I feel lost and alone. But, it isn’t true. I’m hiking my mountain. My hand in His.

The trick of gratitude is to engage it everyday. I’m thankful I’ve written 250 posts. Writing this post caused me to recall my writing journey of the last year and beyond. It’s good to see the path I’ve walked and know the goodness of the Lord through it.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for everything. Literally. Everything.

Nik Curfman 11/15/20 Nik Curfman 11/15/20

Abstraction: Storms And Gratitude

Let the rains come.

Shout for joy as it rages.

When people disown you. Thank the Lord for the sky.

When your body fails you. Thank the Lord for your life.

When all seems lost and they only thing left to do is stop trying to find it, raise your hands in praise.

You are loved beyond measure, and forever worthy.

The storm isn’t meant to rock your life.

It comes to water nourish your heart and water dreams.

The water they dump and the winds that cut, expose our rocks and weeds.

Beneath it all is good, dense, soil.

When the rain ceases and the thunder silent, look at the glowing promise riding the tail of last gray cloud.

Can you see it?

The rainbow of gratitude? With buckets of joy on either end?

You’ve got to look for it. Yes, even in the storm, and especially after. It is there.

Our forever promise from the Father:

We are loved.

We are blessed.

We are worthy.

Let the rains come.

Shout for joy as it rages.

When people disown you. Thank the Lord for the sky.

When your body fails you. Thank the Lord for your life.

When all seems lost and they only thing left is to stop trying to find it, raise your hands in praise.

You are loved beyond measure, and forever worthy.

Storms are temporary. His love is eternal.

Keep your eyes up and your heart open.

Be ready to receive. He’s always handing out blessings.

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Nik Curfman 11/13/20 Nik Curfman 11/13/20

Daily Journal: #117 Gratitude: Seed of Joy

Living from place of gratitude, a state of constantly saying “thank you Lord, this thing/person/place is f-cking awesome and I love it,” clears the path of instant gladness when we see Him move. It positions our hearts to look with anticipation for what He will do or say next. Then we are glad, joyful, and filled with calm delight when we see it. Because we know it’s Him. We instantly know the Great God of all Creation is moving and acting on behalf of His kids.

Joy was once an elusive mistress. I thought it was something I could touch but not have. I thought it was something weirdo Christians faked, or worse didn’t fake. I believed I was too head strong or proud. Something had to be wrong with me, because- whatever joy is- I didn’t have it.

Lies and Damn Lies

I stopped trying to understand why I (or anyone) believe lies. It’s unfortunate, but we all believe lies. They do what they are intended to do which is hold us back from Him. I can’t experience joy was a real belief I held, for a long time. It’s not logical, and yet I believed it. This deception held me back from enjoying life and the people around me.

Obviously, the first step to defeating a lie is to recognize it exists. The next step is to admit something else is possible. In my case, how I experience joy may not look it does for other people. The bigger point I want to make though is this. When I admit something else is possible I open the door for new possibilities to manifest. Life isn’t binary, a stream of black or white, yes or no questions. I don’t have to perfect in my faith, but I do need to use it.

The Gratitude Pattern

The woman I dated earlier this year was the best I’ve dated in my life. She was so much more to me than anyone else. It wasn’t close. I enjoyed who she was and being with here, for the sake of it.

Part of the reason I enjoyed her stemmed from my previous experience. I appreciated her quirks and creativity. I liked how she listened and her intelligence. I was grateful to be with her. When she came over to break up with me, I was sad and heart broken. In the same moment, I felt gratitude for the experience and her efforts. I knew she gave me everything she had, and it was time for the Lord to step in.

I thanked her for dating me. I did not enjoy the break up or the gut wrenching month that followed, but I’m still grateful to have dated such an amazing person. It is this gratitude going before me that allows me to receive joy now.

The Beginnings of Gratitude

Some time in 2017 I started a gratitude journal. Eventually I wrote out index cards and carried them around with me from apartment to apartment, Redding to San Francisco, and then back to Redding. Somewhere in 2018, I began thanking the Lord for the day every morning. And now I try to drive deep into thankfulness on my morning walks.

I forget how or why I started trying to be more grateful. My guess is I was depressed and read something on the internet about it. Most likely, I read an article years ago, way before 2017. Regardless, what started as a sort of ritual to avoid suicidal thoughts is now a living-giving practice.

My favorite aspect of gratitude is how alive it is. In all honesty, when I start talking to Jesus in the morning, I am usually distracted and half awake. My mind is blank, and I start with something as simple as the sky. “Lord, I’m thankful for the sky today.” Then I go on “I’m thankful for this path, and the trees changing color. I’m thankful for my parents and they way they love me….(and on and one.)” Once I start confessing my appreciate for the Lord’s blessings in my life, they become easier to spot and admit.

Gratitude is a form of praise and active engagement of appreciation. It’s a form of love. Whenever I say to the Holy Spirit, “thank you for the sky,” what I’m really saying is “this sky is f-cking amazing and love you for making it.”

Here Comes the Joy

The word most often used for Joy in the New Testament is the Greek word chara (silent c). It means gladness. When we read scripture joy is always the result of hearing or an action. It is the recognition of the Lord moving on our behalf when we know it could be different. It’s an involuntary response to the goodness of the God. (It’s why I was glad to date my now former girlfriend. I appreciated who she is. I wasn’t hung up on who she wasn’t.)

Gratitude plows our hearts in preparation of joy. Without it, we are doomed to feel empty and broken. Entitled people do not experience joy because they do not appreciate what they have. Judgmental people do not experience gladness because they are too busy looking for imperfections and flaws. Fearful people do not experience “calm delight” because they are too worried to appreciate anything good in their lives.

Living from place of gratitude, a state of constantly saying “thank you Lord, this thing/person/place is f-cking awesome and I love it,” clears the path of instant gladness when we see Him move. It positions our hearts to look with anticipation for what He will do or say next. Then we are glad, joyful, and filled with calm delight when we see it. Because we know it’s Him. We instantly know the Great God of all Creation is moving and acting on behalf of His kids.

Lord, thank you for loving me and my friends and family. Thank you for healing us and blessing us with far more than we need.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/9/20 Nik Curfman 11/9/20

Daily Journal: #113 Long Fruitful Day, Short on Words

I’m not sure how many emotional bounces I took today, but even for me it was a lot. I laughed, cried, and prayed. I let go of fears and desires while I made room for God to be God. It was a full day. Tomorrow, I will write more about being imperfect. For tonight, I’m going to stay in my current place of gratitude and honesty.

Today was a seesaw day of emotional ups and downs. I was down because I had another confrontation with my sister, then up because I did well at work. Then back down after a friend asked if I wanted some BBQ from Odell Craft BBQ (I was once a partner in the business), only to find myself lighter in heart and mind after an evening with old friends (as old as I’ve got in Redding.) I got to text my oldest nephew a bit, only to fight sorrow as I drove past the park where I once met my former girlfriend for morning walks.

I love this part of me. I’m tired of hiding, and trying to make the right decisions. I’m ok, and I will be ok. Life isn’t easy, but it is fun and amazing. Thank God.

One last thing, my friends- a group we call the Four Horsemen- are the best no-name Jesus lovers in the world. And we have the maturity of children.

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Nik Curfman 10/7/20 Nik Curfman 10/7/20

DJ: #81 I Can’t Hate On 2020

But, on a personal level, 2020 is awesome. Extremely hard, but awesome. I’ll look back on this year as a year I decided to soar. I no longer define my life by what I lack or how I fail. I no longer seek instant fixes or freak out over moments of insecurity. I am not who I was, and I’m thrilled about it.

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Seems like most people agree 2020 is/was a shit year. Without question 2020 has held some dark moments- coronavirus, the UK leaving the EU, racial injustice, rising unemployment, international tensions, the nastiness that is a US Presidential election, rising violence, various shortages, etc. Good Lord, it’s a lot. And, we still have roughly 82 days left in the year. Geez.

I think what I find most interesting is I’m not tired of the fight. I battle shit everyday- anxiety, depression, disbelief- and I’m unfazed. Usually, I would be deep down a hole of self-judgment by now. (Come on Nik, this is the third week in row.) How human a thing to do, to judge ourselves? But here I am, happy with me. I finally understand Paul’s admission to the Corinthians (4:3-4.)

3 I care very little, however, if I am judged by you or by any human court. In fact, I do not even judge myself. 4 My conscience is clear, but that does not vindicate me. It is the Lord who judges me.

I am encouraged because I see the true value of persistence and dedication. It also helps to have vision beyond the moment, month, year. By valuing persistence and vision, I do not place undue burden on the present. Whatever we are, and whatever we become, is the work of a thousand decisions.

It only takes one choice to change direction, and a change in direction is the beginning of new journey. I am often thrilled to begin a new thing, as I envision the payoff. Where I, and many others, bog down is in the middle. After the novelty wears thin and the reality of the mission takes center stage, my heart has to be in it- whatever I’m pursuing.

Everything I’ve ever quit was because I didn’t think the pain was worth the payoff. Everything I’ve endured, I did. It’s really that simple.

As an adult, I rarely lacked the ability to endure what my heart didn’t support. It was super frustrating to believe I wanted a career or relationship only to realize it isn’t what I wanted. (Until this year, most of my motivation stemmed from shame and fear.) I believe most people know the feeling.

Now my fears come from what if I fail? Fortunately, the more I lean into being who I am the less I need affirmation. In fact, it’s not about “success vs failure”. I see now its about being, not a measurement. I write a blog everyday, and hardly anyone reads them. I don’t care. I’m here because I want to be here. I like writing, and I feel alive when I type.

Despite the failures of 2020, I fell in love with Jesus and myself. And if nothing else progresses, I will celebrate that. Always.

Thank you Lord for 2020. I’m so happy for this year.

Nik Curfman 8/5/20 Nik Curfman 8/5/20

My Friend Gratitude

I’m not sure why self-pity or anger seem like the easier roads to walk. Perhaps they aren’t. It is entirely possible it’s easy for me because I’ve practiced running to their open arms most of my life.

I have an embarrassing memory from my childhood to demonstrate my point. I was eight maybe nine years-old, and I can’t recall the particular offense. What I can recall, with vivid detail, is being so upset I wrote a letter to my parents, and let my tears fall onto the paper to punctuate my frustration and pain. (LOLOLOL What a scam.) Even then, at a young age, I felt sorry for myself.

I’m kinda glad my parents didn’t feed my self-pity in those moments. Emotional intelligence wasn’t a thing in the 80′s, but neither was indulging every childish outburst.

Five-ish years ago, I started my current engagement with Gratitude. I’m stoked to say what began as a method to combat anxiety and depression evolved into something exceeding my expectations. I now know Gratitude is about more than comparison or thankful excess.

Gratitude is finding joy in a past relationship despite its end.

It’s celebrating the pure and good of every imperfect moment.

It’s being present, stopping to notice the perfect of each moment.

It’s also part knowing…it could always be worse.

Ultimately, Gratitude is knowing life is gift, a wonderful gift. And our time in it is meant for the good and the pure, not hung up in failure and misery. Failure and misery are part of the deal, but they do not have to be “the deal.” Our hearts, minds, and bodies were meant to live and be alive- to drink every last ounce of joy from this Earth as possible.

Without Gratitude, none of this is possible.

“Look for the best in each other, and always do your best to bring it out. Be cheerful no matter what; pray all the time; thank God no matter what happens. This is the way God wants you who belong to Christ Jesus to live.”
1 Thessalonians 5:15-18