Daily Journal: #117 Gratitude: Seed of Joy

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

Joy was once an elusive mistress. I thought it was something I could touch but not have. I thought it was something weirdo Christians faked, or worse didn’t fake. I believed I was too head strong or proud. Something had to be wrong with me, because- whatever joy is- I didn’t have it.

Lies and Damn Lies

I stopped trying to understand why I (or anyone) believe lies. It’s unfortunate, but we all believe lies. They do what they are intended to do which is hold us back from Him. I can’t experience joy was a real belief I held, for a long time. It’s not logical, and yet I believed it. This deception held me back from enjoying life and the people around me.

Obviously, the first step to defeating a lie is to recognize it exists. The next step is to admit something else is possible. In my case, how I experience joy may not look it does for other people. The bigger point I want to make though is this. When I admit something else is possible I open the door for new possibilities to manifest. Life isn’t binary, a stream of black or white, yes or no questions. I don’t have to perfect in my faith, but I do need to use it.

The Gratitude Pattern

The woman I dated earlier this year was the best I’ve dated in my life. She was so much more to me than anyone else. It wasn’t close. I enjoyed who she was and being with here, for the sake of it.

Part of the reason I enjoyed her stemmed from my previous experience. I appreciated her quirks and creativity. I liked how she listened and her intelligence. I was grateful to be with her. When she came over to break up with me, I was sad and heart broken. In the same moment, I felt gratitude for the experience and her efforts. I knew she gave me everything she had, and it was time for the Lord to step in.

I thanked her for dating me. I did not enjoy the break up or the gut wrenching month that followed, but I’m still grateful to have dated such an amazing person. It is this gratitude going before me that allows me to receive joy now.

The Beginnings of Gratitude

Some time in 2017 I started a gratitude journal. Eventually I wrote out index cards and carried them around with me from apartment to apartment, Redding to San Francisco, and then back to Redding. Somewhere in 2018, I began thanking the Lord for the day every morning. And now I try to drive deep into thankfulness on my morning walks.

I forget how or why I started trying to be more grateful. My guess is I was depressed and read something on the internet about it. Most likely, I read an article years ago, way before 2017. Regardless, what started as a sort of ritual to avoid suicidal thoughts is now a living-giving practice.

My favorite aspect of gratitude is how alive it is. In all honesty, when I start talking to Jesus in the morning, I am usually distracted and half awake. My mind is blank, and I start with something as simple as the sky. “Lord, I’m thankful for the sky today.” Then I go on “I’m thankful for this path, and the trees changing color. I’m thankful for my parents and they way they love me….(and on and one.)” Once I start confessing my appreciate for the Lord’s blessings in my life, they become easier to spot and admit.

Gratitude is a form of praise and active engagement of appreciation. It’s a form of love. Whenever I say to the Holy Spirit, “thank you for the sky,” what I’m really saying is “this sky is f-cking amazing and love you for making it.”

Here Comes the Joy

The word most often used for Joy in the New Testament is the Greek word chara (silent c). It means gladness. When we read scripture joy is always the result of hearing or an action. It is the recognition of the Lord moving on our behalf when we know it could be different. It’s an involuntary response to the goodness of the God. (It’s why I was glad to date my now former girlfriend. I appreciated who she is. I wasn’t hung up on who she wasn’t.)

Gratitude plows our hearts in preparation of joy. Without it, we are doomed to feel empty and broken. Entitled people do not experience joy because they do not appreciate what they have. Judgmental people do not experience gladness because they are too busy looking for imperfections and flaws. Fearful people do not experience “calm delight” because they are too worried to appreciate anything good in their lives.

Living from place of gratitude, a state of constantly saying “thank you Lord, this thing/person/place is f-cking awesome and I love it,” clears the path of instant gladness when we see Him move. It positions our hearts to look with anticipation for what He will do or say next. Then we are glad, joyful, and filled with calm delight when we see it. Because we know it’s Him. We instantly know the Great God of all Creation is moving and acting on behalf of His kids.

Lord, thank you for loving me and my friends and family. Thank you for healing us and blessing us with far more than we need.

Amen.

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LINKS

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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Daily Journal: #118 Stuck Is A Lie
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Daily Journal: #116 Back to the Start