Daily Journal: #116 Back to the Start

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

The Scientist by Coldplay

This morning felt like I went back to the start with God, to my place of nakedness and honesty. It’s where I want to be. I want to stay in a place of hope and humility. I want to be bold in sharing my life with Him, and I want to listen in return. This is a real relationship, not a formula or duty.

Going Back to the Start?

What does it mean to back to the start? It means I stop trying to fix myself, and I am willing to sit like a child at His feet. It means I hand Him my fears and disappointment rather than hide them. Lately, instead of inviting the Lord in the difficult spaces of my life, I tried to become my own counselor. I tried to put myself on the couch and talk myself through the issues.

Lately, I’m frustrated with my actions. I’ve watched too much TV, painted too little, struggle to get my ten thousand steps in, and I’m not reading as much scripture as I was. I judge myself as having some sort of undefined issue in need of a remedy. Naturally, I hide. I don’t confess my sadness or anxiety. Then my heart starts to suffer as it feels heavy and sluggish. The more I deny the Lord His place in my heart, the stronger the pain grows and the accusations start to overwhelm my mind.

But let’s look at reality:

  1. I deny or refuse to admit what feelings and thoughts trouble me.

  2. Instead of going to the Doctor, I attempt to heal myself.

  3. I begin to look at external behavior for validation.

  4. External behavior will never soothe my heart or mind.

  5. I try harder or give up.

God Bless 2020

The pattern above was my way of life for most of walk with Jesus, but thank God for 2020. Yes, I spent the last month or so battling self-pity and tried to bury it. But, I also kept showing up to walk with the Lord. Sometimes it wasn’t pretty, and my mind focused on random thoughts or people. I don’t think the Lord cared. He loves my effort and my heart. He kept showing up too regardless of how I felt.

In the early morning today, I found my way back to the naked place before Him. In this Garden, no condemnation or self-hatred exists. I see clearly my growth in the Good Soil. I experience no shame for having fallen into an old pattern, on the contrary I am grateful it was exposed. I didn’t spend months or even years trying to fix myself. The distance between one step and the next shrunk as a result. I am moving forward without regret or humiliation.

Matthew 6:33 really is the Bread of life for 2020. Seek Him everyday. The rest of life will arrange itself. It’s a promise from Jesus, so it’s gotta be true. My testament to this promise is the increase of grace, love, and peace for and toward myself. The amazing side-effect is the more grace and love I find for myself, the more I find for others. It’s a self-watering tree of God-given glory.

Physical healings are great; however, the ability to overcome myself and my fears is a miracle too.

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LINKS

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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