Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/8/21 Nik Curfman 4/8/21

Journal: #251 10,000 FT View Of My Life

Being a human, in my experience, is wild.

Yesterday, I sat in my automobile and drove over one-hundred miles from the coast of California through the Trinity Mountains to valley west of the Cascade Mountains. Before my drive, I conversed with a 60 year-old minister from Florida via video conference. I conducted the chat from a room I rented from a stranger I found on the internet. We discussed her business and strategies to put her message into the ears of receptive listeners. What a life. What a time to be alive.

I sat in silence during the ride home back to Redding. I could’ve listened to music or a podcast, but I decided to enjoy the sound of the road. The sun was high in sky and only a few thin clouds joined her. On occasion I imagined I was in a race, choosing my line as the road weaved through mountains. While I drove, my thoughts bounced from my marketing clients to the beauty of northern California to the Lord. It was the perfect day for a solo drive back to my norm.

This week I spoke to friends and family alike, people battling tragic situations and threatening health problems. In these moments, life feels untamable. Why did my best friend lose his brother to cancer at the ripe age of 34? Will my roommate ever value himself, his time, and his dreams? It’s been ten months- I should be over her by now. What’s the pattern to any of this? How can we predict what’s to come? The plain truth is we can’t.

This is my life. It’s full of glory and grace, wonder and mystery, heart ache and sorrow. I wouldn’t exchange it with another. I wouldn’t trade my debts, excess body fat, or singleness for anything. (Which is not to say I desire to remain in each state, but I will not shame myself or wallow in self-pity over them.) The life I live was given to me by God. My family, my friends, and even my ex’s were God ordained. Whatever is left of my life, the end unknowable, I will thank the Lord for every second I am given.

Nik Curfman 1/12/21 Nik Curfman 1/12/21

Abstraction: Grace

I marveled and judged those who, despite being incomplete,

Ran after their hearts desires and destiny.

How arrogant?

I thought I had to chisel myself out of stone,

Forever carving away the flaws and ugly bits.

Forever unfinished,

never qualified,

always unworthy.

I marveled and judged those who, despite being incomplete,

Ran after their heart’s desires and destiny.

How arrogant?

How impatient?

How unprepared, they were.

Can’t they see?

Don’t they know?

Their inevitable folly?

But, not me.

I won’t make mistakes,

As soon as I finish working on me.

But…that day ain’t never coming,

When I can announce to the world my perfection.

What then, do I do, with me?

What is true, and what do I believe?

Enter the Ancient One.

His grace so great, so without end,

He gives it away as sun and rain,

To nourish and guide each of us.

To the impatient, there is grace.

To the immature, there is grace.

To the arrogant, there is grace.

To the addict and obese, there is grace.

To the slow-puzzler and self-hater, grace and more grace.

To the over-thinker, hand-wringer,

To the lonely and abused,

To the bully and bullied,

To the atheist and racist,

To the stuck-in-a-rut,

To the rich and poor,

To the city slick and country hick,

To the perfectionist…

The afraid…

The angry and confused,

to those who feel forgotten,

And wrongly accused.

Grace.

Unending grace.

Unmerited, eternal grace.

It’s favor on our lives,

From a Father to His kin.

I am not my mistakes or sins that I’m in.

I suppose I’ll look foolish and impatient,

From those outside judging in,

I don’t care.

I love myself.

And, I’ve got a purpose to start living.

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Nik Curfman 11/12/20 Nik Curfman 11/12/20

Daily Journal: #116 Back to the Start

I experience no shame for having fallen into an old pattern, on the contrary I am grateful it was exposed. I didn’t spend months or even years trying to fix myself. The distance between one step and the next shrunk as a result. I am moving forward without regret or humiliation.

I was just guessing at numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science, science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh, and I rush to the start
Running in circles, chasing our tails
Coming back as we are
The Scientist by Coldplay

This morning felt like I went back to the start with God, to my place of nakedness and honesty. It’s where I want to be. I want to stay in a place of hope and humility. I want to be bold in sharing my life with Him, and I want to listen in return. This is a real relationship, not a formula or duty.

Going Back to the Start?

What does it mean to back to the start? It means I stop trying to fix myself, and I am willing to sit like a child at His feet. It means I hand Him my fears and disappointment rather than hide them. Lately, instead of inviting the Lord in the difficult spaces of my life, I tried to become my own counselor. I tried to put myself on the couch and talk myself through the issues.

Lately, I’m frustrated with my actions. I’ve watched too much TV, painted too little, struggle to get my ten thousand steps in, and I’m not reading as much scripture as I was. I judge myself as having some sort of undefined issue in need of a remedy. Naturally, I hide. I don’t confess my sadness or anxiety. Then my heart starts to suffer as it feels heavy and sluggish. The more I deny the Lord His place in my heart, the stronger the pain grows and the accusations start to overwhelm my mind.

But let’s look at reality:

I deny or refuse to admit what feelings and thoughts trouble me.
Instead of going to the Doctor, I attempt to heal myself.
I begin to look at external behavior for validation.
External behavior will never soothe my heart or mind.
I try harder or give up.

God Bless 2020

The pattern above was my way of life for most of walk with Jesus, but thank God for 2020. Yes, I spent the last month or so battling self-pity and tried to bury it. But, I also kept showing up to walk with the Lord. Sometimes it wasn’t pretty, and my mind focused on random thoughts or people. I don’t think the Lord cared. He loves my effort and my heart. He kept showing up too regardless of how I felt.

In the early morning today, I found my way back to the naked place before Him. In this Garden, no condemnation or self-hatred exists. I see clearly my growth in the Good Soil. I experience no shame for having fallen into an old pattern, on the contrary I am grateful it was exposed. I didn’t spend months or even years trying to fix myself. The distance between one step and the next shrunk as a result. I am moving forward without regret or humiliation.

Matthew 6:33 really is the Bread of life for 2020. Seek Him everyday. The rest of life will arrange itself. It’s a promise from Jesus, so it’s gotta be true. My testament to this promise is the increase of grace, love, and peace for and toward myself. The amazing side-effect is the more grace and love I find for myself, the more I find for others. It’s a self-watering tree of God-given glory.

Physical healings are great; however, the ability to overcome myself and my fears is a miracle too.

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Nik Curfman 8/8/20 Nik Curfman 8/8/20

My Frustrated Growth

Last night, I turned into my parking spot and noticed a gaping hole in my apartment where the front door usually hangs. It’s not like my roommate to leave the front door open as he detests temperatures above 70 degrees. I shut the car off and waited in silence. My mind formed a rationale which my nose confirmed, the bastard burned his food…AGAIN.

He wouldn’t call it burned, he’d call it roasted. Whatever the semantics, the result is a smokey apartment, my nose inflamed, and my eyes stinging. It’s a common enough occurrence at our apartment that I’ve spoken to him about it before. Several times. And still he persists, as if filling the whole house with burnt chicken fat smoke is the only way to cook chicken.

This morning I woke up at the usual 5:30 am, but decided to sleep in to 8 am. Felt good to let myself do that. As a prize, I drove to Mount Lassen National Park for an easy hike around the lake. The drive up was pleasant; however, I spent ¾ of the hike in tears and frustration.

I’m frustrated with how I responded to Ben’s smokey culinary technique, and I am sad today is the last day I might get to see her- which is probably false. (It’s a small town, and I’m not intentionally avoiding her.) After continuing to pray, I sat on a large lichen covered rock under the shade of a red fir.

In tears I tried to fight off the judgment now surrounding me. I did not respond to Ben’s hazy endeavor with serene kindness and gentle tones. And today when I noticed his pile of dishes next to the dishwasher rather than in the dishwasher I was less than cordial about it.

And the girl? I spent most of the morning in imaginary arguments, trying to defend myself. Trying to prove my worth to her. Such fun.

I hate being this guy. The pensive, self-doubting, defensive asshole. I hate getting angry at my roommate. In truth, Ben is a good roommate and a sweet man. And she is awesome. (We had to break up, something I think was for the best for both of us.)

As stated above, my real problem is me, not them. (Well…the food burning has to stop.) But I’m upset at my responses, and I’ve judged myself. That’s got to stop too. The answer to feeling attacked isn’t to respond to the attack, it’s too love myself. Good thing growth isn’t a straight line toward the utopian horizon. It dips and climbs each day.

The last ¼ of my hike I spent affirming myself. I’m amazing. I’m a great man. I love people and look for the good in everyone. Then I came home to the dishes, and a semi-emotional meltdown. Did I say growth dipped and climbed everyday? How about every few hours? LOLOLOLOL

Now, I’m typing my feelings into the internet.

Grace is a funny bird. Western Christians generally understand Grace to be something unearned, a relentless love and mercy. But it’s also something we can bestow upon ourselves. Grace to you Nik.

Lord, thank you for teaching me to love myself. Thank you for setting the example.

Amen.