Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 8/28/23 Nik Curfman 8/28/23

Vol IV: #13 This Drawing Stuff

When I was a kid in school, art class was my favorite class. Always. The art room was the most colorful room in the school and it was the only place where I could make a mess without incurring the wrath of an adult. In high school, I enrolled in as many art classes as possible (which helped inflate my GPA.) During those years I began to see my talent, particularly in sculpture/3D classes. I was never much of a drawer, but I could assemble random materials into something new and intriguing. I even won an award for best 3D sculpture in the district my junior year. That was 25 years ago.

A few years back I bought a handful of online drawing classes. And within the first thirty seconds, I could I tell it was money well spent. The instructor was an experienced teacher and began by demystifying the drawing process. He started by debunking the talent myth and plainly stated drawing is a skill. Anyone can learn a skill, talent isn’t part of the equation, he said. This simple approach set me at ease and gave me confidence in his teaching. And as of today, I have yet to progress beyond the first 10-12 lessons.

* * *

What I need is a process, because process is more important than location. Process is what grounds us, and the lack of it shows when we’re blown of course by life. I want to be like Paul, and I identify with his words: good times come and go, but I learned how to be in every season, for He is in me (Nik version.) I have a writing process, including goals and such.Why not have a similar structure and drawing?*

So, starting today, I will produce one drawing per day, six days per week, for the next 90 days. The year I spent writing was a real boost to where I am today and I believe a similar approach to drawing will yield hearty results.This is in addition to daily practice and the aforementioned lessons. Improvement is in the doing. After the 90 days, I’ll reassess where I am and set the next 90 days.

The real hurdle is going to be my mental approach to each day. All too often I allow myself to be discouraged at the results, as my inner critic slaps me squarely across the face. He’s a demonic asshole standing between me and my destiny. And it’s time to get past him. This one comes out by doing and persevering. The last bit here is to hold myself accountable which is why I’m blogging about my newest process. Be on the lookout for what comes.

*Drawing is the foundation of all art- even 3D art. Once I can sketch the sculptures I see in my mind on paper, I can work from those blueprints rather than try to recall what I saw in mind. It’s important.

Nik Curfman 4/25/23 Nik Curfman 4/25/23

Vol III: #78 A Failing Memory

My memory is fickle and a poor friend when it remembers moments I’d rather forget. Today, it was a Facebook post by an old girlfriend. Even after she left me, the woman made posts belittling me, to justify her decision. And I remembered seeing the post and the condemnation I felt, and then new shame soaked me to the bone. And I cried as if I’d just read what she wrote and again my heart grieved. How foolish I’d been to believe in her, in us together. Why had I given her my best? And now I was suffering the same judgement all these years after her final verdict.

And I want to defend myself and respond the loveless, lonely woman. I want to destroy her with my words and crush her fragile spirit. And I know this is a wrong and sinful desire, so I stop to focus on my breathing, long deep breaths, in and out, one after another, until my mind settled and my heart is calm. Then I prayed and wept to the Lord, ashamed of being haunted by old memories. And He reminded me “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” And there is no statute of limitation on His promises of mercy, hope, and grace. And I will be comforted, and I will process this moment as I must, and then I will continue forward with a life greater than I imagined, even when I dated her.

Thank you, Lord.

Nik Curfman 10/12/22 Nik Curfman 10/12/22

Vol III: #22 Sometimes, It Be Like That

I love to write, but not at the moment.

I’ve hit a wall as a writer. And, I think it stems from my expectations, rather my raised expectations. When I began to blog in 2020, I enjoyed the process and refused to be bogged down by style or grammar. But now, I want to be a good writer. And I don’t think I am. So, I don’t write because I’m judging myself and this process.

In most areas of my life I feel a similar lag or defeat. One consolation is I refuse to give up. Each week is a new week, and if I must restart the process every week, so be it. So, this is what I have today- a short and simple post wherein I state my frustrations. As the kids say…Sometimes, it be like that.

Nik Curfman 10/6/22 Nik Curfman 10/6/22

Vol III: #21 The Process of Moving On

Monday morning, I awoke to series of texts, another meme and nothing worthy of my time. So in a fit of carnal rage, I left the group- which is to say I tapped the “Leave Conversation” button. I admit the timing was poor. Had I been in a better mood or more tactful, I would’ve waited for a quiet day to make a quiet exit. But I didn’t have it to give. I wanted out, so I left*.

I strongly advise the you, my reader, to bring the Lord into relational decisions. And, I will tell you why.

Earlier this week, I left a text group chat. The group is filled with men I know from my finals years in Charlotte and consisted of memes and old memories. And, it was a source of angst in my life. Why? Because, I felt like an interloper despite being invited to the group. And, I felt like an interloper because the group rarely responded to my contributions. Eventually, the lack of responses led me to question why I was invited to the chat.

I left the chat once before, in 2018, only to be invited back. When this happened, I assumed it was because I misjudged the situation. Maybe they had more value for my presence than I thought? But, no. They did not; instead, I encountered the exact same responses and attitudes. Good times.

Over the last three days, I prayed about my exit, why I left, and I asked if I did the right thing. The Lord’s response was to ask me if I carried old wounds and, after two days, I finally answered yes. It was only after I released my anxiety did the Lord show me the truth: those men didn’t know me. And, I didn’t know them. What I missed and needed was a deeper connection to them. That’s why their jokes weren’t funny and why they didn’t understand mine. (When it comes to humor, context is everything.)

I don’t regret leaving the group chat. It had to be done. But, I do regret how I left. (How many times have I written these words since 2020? It’s getting old. I need to learn, mature, and do better.) I’m thankful the Lord showed me the truth of the situation. His words and wisdom were a soft rebuke but a good lesson. Next time, I will go to Him first rather than run off my hurt feelings.

*And can I say, what a time to be alive? I didn’t kill anyone or hit on a wife. I left a group chat and it feels overly and unnecessarily dramatic.

Nik Curfman 1/2/22 Nik Curfman 1/2/22

Vol II: #44 Yielding

Late last night, while I tossed in bed, I felt a peace trickled into my mind and down to my heart. I know how to love, to hope, and remain constant, even when everything is in ashes and the light is gone. I regret nothing, even now, 17 months after our breakup. I don’t regret the effort I gave, the mistakes I made, or the heartache in the aftermath. I truly loved someone and went to a depth I didn’t know I have. It’s worth celebrating. I’m worth celebrating.

Nathan told me as he grated the white cheddar cheese for our nachos. “She’s leaving,” he said, half matter of fact, half knowing it would be news to me. Sadness and anger flooded my being as I fought back tears. Then, I made a snide comment, one I instantly wanted to back. After we ate, I went into the living to watch football while he cleaned the kitchen. The nachos were delicious, and on any other day, I would’ve raved about them more than I did. Unfortunately, I was consumed with myself. I didn’t go watch football as much as allow myself to leak a few tears before he joined me on the couch.

For a few moments, I hated myself. I hated my reaction to the news my former girlfriend is about to move across the country. I prefer to lack an opinion on the subject. It’s her life, and I’m glad she’s doing what she wants to do. Who I am to judge or comment? Regardless, I did react, which revealed a dim flicker of hope- a desire I’ve long tried to extinguish and ignore. Why can’t I feel nothing for this woman?

I stayed for another hour at Nathan’s house and tried my best to appear unfazed. Despite the effort, I’m certain Nathan knew better. He’s a sensitive man.

In my despair, I texted my two most trusted advisors, friends who earned my respect and trust. The first one offered no wisdom but gave me his undivided empathy, That is hard dude. And man, if this is part of helping you move forward in victory then so be it - also - fuck. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I love you Nik. We all need that. When something sucks, I need someone to see it that way. Then, friend number two, my Yoda, came through with the wisdom and encouragement my heart needed:

[a]s much as I know you want to be forever over *******, if you could just get over her...you wouldn't be the kind of man that is so worthy of a great love in his life.
You keep seeing this as a flaw about yourself…but having loved a person so deeply you would have married them....there is not a linear line to moving on.

She’s right- my Yoda friend. I loved my former girlfriend, deeply. I liked her and wanted her forever. For the last year, I harbored shame and embarrassment that I wasn’t completely “over her.” I’ve hated every reaction, as I did Friday at Nathan’s.

The truth is I still love my former girlfriend. I still want the best for her, want her to live her dreams, and fulfill every destiny given to her by God. I still pray for her and her family and wonder how their holidays were. And no. I don’t see a path forward for the two of us. That’s not the kind of love I’m talking about- the romantic rush of desire. I’m referring to the deep love required to spend a lifetime with a partner. I had it, or have it. Why should I be embarrassed about that?

Late last night, while I tossed in bed, I felt a peace trickled into my mind and down to my heart. I know how to love, to hope, and remain constant, even when everything is in ashes and the light is gone. I regret nothing, even now, 17 months after our breakup. I don’t regret the effort I gave, the mistakes I made, or the heartache in the aftermath. I truly loved someone and went to a depth I didn’t know I have. It’s worth celebrating. I’m worth celebrating.

Lord,

This process has gone on longer than I expected or wanted but I decided to stop fighting it. What do you have for me in this place? What’s your truth and grace? You know I want to date again, and yet, I’m scared of the feelings I carry for another. As in all things, your will be done. I yield to You and your wisdom. I trust you.

And thank you for the friends you gave me, their empathy, their insight, and compassion.

Nik Curfman 9/17/21 Nik Curfman 9/17/21

Vol II: #29 The Dude Abides

I could write about any number of topics today. It was a long and emotionally challenging week. My days were filled with kinds of behavior and distractions common when I move into something new. I’m frustrated with some leaders in my life, and people around me are hurting. My natural reaction is to fight or fix it or fly away. It’s not my nature to stand without action, what scripture calls abide.

For a few brief moments this morning, I considered a hiatus from this blog. But that's a dumb idea. This blog is a living document of my life and experiences. My wife and children will be able to read it. And when I’m gone, my grandchildren and great-grandchildren will be able to know me in ways I will never know my great-grandparents. They will know my life was messy and uneven, but I loved the Lord and trusted Him. And I had a remarkable life.

This week, it became clear, my mental and spiritual DNA is different. It’s something I embrace. The Lord gave me a unique way to see people and life, and I will be misunderstood. I believe part of my calling at BSSM is to learn how to bridge the gap between the Church and those abused and belittled by Church. It’s a two-part equation because Christian leadership must improve. They’ve got to learn to keep THEIR hands off God’s anointed too. I’m no Christian leader, so my journey is to help the hurt, the offended, and the abused. There’s a place in the church for us too- a healthy place. No more white-knuckling through immature leadership, shitty sermons, and bad teaching. We will learn to abide without anxiety or shame, regardless of the absurdity on stage.

One measure of maturity is the understanding of what we can influence and change, and more importantly, what we cannot influence or change. Nik is not called to change and confront thousands of years of poor Christian leadership. I will wave the flag of victory- in part- by discussing my journey back into the bowels of organized Christendom. It began when I decided to go to BSSM aka “The Hope.” I wouldn’t willingly walk into a situation without hope or vision. Now, I’m engaged in “The Battle.” If I fight and struggle with all the same old demons, I’ll get the same results. It’s not about them. This struggle is about whether I trust the Lord, who He is, who He says I am, and what He has for me. It’s not about the leaders either. The kindness of God leads to repentance, not cynicism or judgment.

Nik Curfman 8/31/21 Nik Curfman 8/31/21

Abstract: The Calm And Focus of Football

A poem about childhood football and the focus it created.

When I was a boy, just moments before every football game,

I’d slip into a panic.

My heart thumped,

And my mind crashed into a hoard of anxious thoughts.

Thankfully, when the whistle blew, and the first play was signaled-in from the sideline,

I always found my focus.

My breathing slowed,

and my thoughts melted into one single notion: the task at hand.

For the next sixty minutes, the game was all that existed in my world,

and all my energy went into it.

25 years year after I stopped playing the game I loved,

I’m still searching for the moments when nothing matters but the task at hand,

the game to replace the game.

Nik Curfman 6/16/21 Nik Curfman 6/16/21

Journal: #308 Learning Is A Process, So Quit Being Impatient

I find comfort in the knowledge of why adults struggle with change. It’s not about age but determination. We struggle because we have systems and routines in place. Even broken, we tolerate them. It’s what we know, as though we never learned to add or subtract. We found a way around the problem, and learning the proper method requires work and patience. My personal testimony- the story of this blog so far- is how frustrating and joyful the process is.

I wrote the title to this post for my benefit. Over the last three months, the Lord reinforced several concepts. I’ve written about them in recent weeks. They include: keeping life simple, showing up every day, self-appreciation, and faith. I’m grateful for the reminder but also a bit embarrassed. I think thoughts like I’m an adult. How long does it take to learn and live a new reality? The question is hilarious when I ask it aloud. But, the answer is apparent and obvious. It takes as long as it takes.

The word repentance surfaces in my mind. As a child and young adult, I believed repentance was akin to confession. At 40, I see repentance as a major life choice (or set of choices.) Repentance isn’t saying, “I’ll never steal again.” True repentance is saying, “I’ll work never to put myself into a situation to steal again.” It goes to the root of the issues rather than trim the branches. It’s also a ton of work. Sure, the Lord could zap me with magic God dust. He could remove all my bad habits, but I’d still need some habits or routines. In this light, repentance is an active pursuit. It’s a commitment to stop one set of thoughts/actions and begin new thoughts/actions.

As frustrated and ashamed as I feel at times, I can’t turn back. Whatever success I tasted in the last few years, I know I will not sink back into a defeated version of me. I accept the ebbs and flows of pursuing the kingdom, the dips of motivation, and moments of despair. That was my life before; at least I have a purpose now. At least, I live in a constant relationship with the Lord, and I believe in myself. And, I’m not that poor. I’m rich in love and relationships.

Part of my transition is being ok when I’m unhinged. There’s a place where I allow myself to process negative thoughts and emotions— without shaming myself. The problem is it goes against how men are “supposed to act.” My dad and brother rarely say shit about how they think or feel. Good or bad. But, I know they are both deeply emotional men. Neither hides their emotions well, so it’s funny to watch them deny it. I know when my dad or brother is nervous, excited, annoyed, etc.

I do not blame the men in my family for issues expressing myself. They represent male culture at large for their respective generations. Fortunately, the younger generations are willing to change the narrative. (They are willing to talk about what hurts them, which is often seen as weakness. It’s not. No wound is healed by ignoring it.)

So here I am, caught between cultures and generations. I just wanna follow the Lord. To do it, I’ve got to be ok with my imperfection. How ironic is that? To follow the Lord, I don’t need to be perfect. I’m not required to live up to the American standard of emotionally immature masculinity. I get to kick ass and talk about how hard it is. LOLOLOLOL. (I’m not going to talk about the ease of anything.)

Nik Curfman 6/13/21 Nik Curfman 6/13/21

Journal: #305 Walking Out The Final Steps of Grief

Today is as close to romantic square one as I can be. No interests, nothing interesting. Not yet. It feels like the place to be. The secondary point of grieving is to create space for something new (by processing pain, which is the first point.) Many of us don’t have room for new because we never properly let go of the old. While I am embarrassed at the amount of time required to heal, I am glad I let myself do it.

(Today’s blog post is a bit of an embarrassment to write. It would be easier for me to avoid it, but that’s not the spirit of my writing. Here we go.)

When I broke with my last girlfriend, just over a year ago, I decided to handle it with as much grace and dignity as I could muster. I didn’t argue with her, call names, or subtly try to work my way back into her life. I allowed myself to grieve the moment, but my embarrassment stems from how long the grieving process is. Or, has been. I feel like I did something wrong, even though I did not.

Overall, I’m happy with the progress I made. This week felt like the final mile of the grieving process. Throughout the week, the Lord put people and messages in front of me. It started with how “exes can’t be friends” and ended with “everyone’s got embarrassing shit.” The latter I heard from two different sources. And honestly, I can’t remember hearing or seeing one single word on exes being friends until last week. (When the Lord has something to say He says it over and over until we hear and under it. He’s not an asshole whispering in the wind.)

Today is as close to romantic square one as I can be. No interests, nothing interesting. Not yet. Feels like the place to be. The secondary point of grieving is to create space for something new (by processing pain, which is the first point.) Many of us don’t have room for new because we never properly let go of the old. While I am embarrassed at the amount of time required to heal, I am glad I let myself do it.

Nik Curfman 4/23/21 Nik Curfman 4/23/21

Journal: #264 Not A Business Partner

I’m not stupid or naive. I knew meetings happened without me. Whatever the rationale or cause, they decided four was enough. My only complaint is the lack of communication in regards to what happened. I love the men who employ me. They value integrity and honesty. I choose to honor them by believing they did not intend to leave me in dark.

I sat in a video meeting late yesterday afternoon. The sun was beginning to hide behind the treetops, and I wanted the call to end as soon as possible. Then, during a discussion on ad strategy, it happened. The four partners of the firm voted to buy new software. In doing so, they confirmed I was not one of them. I wasn’t a partner in the new agency despite my interest in it.

The new marketing company formed in March. Its purpose is to assist direct-to-customer businesses. Before formation, they approached me to gauge interest in a leadership role. Not long after the discussion the agency rolled into action. Business ensued, but the topic of the partnership was never mentioned again. So, I was a bit jarred by the casual exclusion displayed in our meeting.

I’m not stupid or naive. I knew meetings happened without me. Whatever the rationale or cause, they decided four was enough. My only complaint is the lack of communication in regards to what happened. I love the men who employ me. They value integrity and honesty. I choose to honor them by believing they did not intend to leave me in dark.

Here’s the rub: I don’t care. Well, part of me cares, and part of me does not. The insecure little boy inside my chest tries to make it about his self-worth. He wants to round up the suspects and demand answers, hold an interrogation. The grown-ass man confident in his abilities and future knows better. He doesn’t want a long-term future in marketing, so he’s not offended by his exclusion. There is no logic to my anger or feelings of rejection when I plan to leave as soon as possible.

In a small way, I’m happy I am not part of the partnership. 2019 and 2020 taught me about what partnership is and is not. Successful partnerships need a common purpose and vision. And, they live on a passion for the mission. My last partnership died because I didn’t have the same passion for the business my partner has. I have many other interests and passions. As a result, I was unwilling to make the sacrifices to be great. Jason will do whatever it takes to see his vision become reality. I am not. Same for any marketing business. It’s a means to an end. My end, of working for other people.

Today I understood the battle I’m in. It’s with me. I have a chance to beat down the insecure Nik. The insecure me longs to read into every slight and judge me as unworthy. I will not let it happen. My long-term vision does not have room for a marketing partnership. And, I will be gracious with my friends. Love is the ability to overcome mistakes, sins, and flaws with grace and kindness. I will love myself and my friends, because that’s what is important to me.

Thank you Jesus for road you led me down. I am no longer a child without purpose or vision. I am have both. Thank you for pointing out the pain I’ve held in my heart, and I let go of the rejection of being passed over.

Immediately after I posted this, I looked at the picture I chose for this post. At the time I picked it I knew it was a No Parking sign. I was drawn to the slash through the P, as in Not a Partner. But now I see it as a prophetic statement from the Lord. I’m not suppose to park my ass in this profession. This is a season of moving on and growing up. No time to sit still.

Nik Curfman 12/13/20 Nik Curfman 12/13/20

Journal: #146 Nice vs Kind

Coming out of this year, I am trying to learn two important lessons. 1) How to reset the broke places from a place of kindness and love, and 2) It’s easier to start a relationship from a place of kindness and honesty. If someone rejects me, that’s their problem. I’m not a dick.

“You’re a nice guy.”

It’s the single worst sentence in the dating world, because it doesn’t mean anything. Flowers are nice. And, you know what? We leave them in stale tap water until they wilt. Then we throw them in the trash. That’s what nice gets you.

What is Nice?

Nice means inoffensive and agreeable, which is where the insecure and afraid find shelter. By being agreeable we find most people will make favorable assumptions about us. Because, if they knew the truth…

Have you ever said that to yourself? I have, many times. If people only knew what I was like inside, they wouldn’t think I was nice. They might not like me at all. So, I kept up appearances. I held onto to people to avoid being alone, and being nice was my superpower. It’s how I overcame my inner conflict.

I grew up in Southern culture which values appearances over truth. Any time I let out my real thoughts or interests, I was chided or ridiculed. It reinforced my belief. I had to be nice. Ultimately, this wretched cycle led me to one conclusion: something is wrong with me. I struggle to be nice and honest. Better to be nice and have friends than alone and honest.

God is Not Nice, He Is Kind

In early 2014, the Lord made different arrangements for me. I found myself in Redding, California starting a new life. My community was full of emotionally intelligent people who celebrated people for who they are. Nice is not valued, but kindness is. To be honest, I didn’t know the difference.

I do now.

What is Kindness?

Kindness honors the disgraced and doesn’t run from hard conversations. It is honest and courageous. It’s not harsh with the truth, but strong and gentle. As Paul told the Romans:

Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
Romans 2:4 (The Message)

Kindness also values itself. And, its foundation is in love. Kindness is everything nice wants to be but doesn’t know how to pull it off. Kindness comes from a deep well filled by the Holy Spirit. It’s not concerned with short-term losses and changes in community.

Kindness Can Hurt

When I look back to the relationships I lost this year, I know it’s because I was nice. I was likable and intentionally contorted myself into being so. When the time came for me to reset those friendships, it was seen as being judgmental or unkind.

I get it. No one likes to be told, “our relationship is broken and this has got to change.” It can feel like a blindside and harsh. Perhaps I was harsh. I think that’s a valid criticism. But, just as valid is the idea I need to be honest. When a friend or family member believes they have the right to be verbal and emotionally abusive, it’s on my shoulders to stand up for myself.

Gotta Keep Going

My biggest challenge in being known is going to be my tolerance for rejection. Kind people are often rejected because they speak the truth, no matter how gentle they deliver it. The truth is often seen as harsh aka not nice. But…kindness is love. It brings tears to my eyes to know I will be rejected in my attempt to love someone. (What does that say about our world?)

The other side of this is I can’t go on being a nice man. No one respects the nice guy. I don’t respect the nice guy. He’s a doormat. All he does is take people’s shit, and I’m no toilet. We are to bear one another’s burdens, not suffer their abuse.

Sweet baby Jesus, thank you opening my eyes to my flaws. I needed to see how nice is not kind. Nice is not love. Kindness is love. Kindness is life-giving and it is who you are. I’m afraid of the mistakes I’ve made and will make. I ask for your grace. Amen.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 11/19/20 Nik Curfman 11/19/20

Journal: #123 The Introverts Dilemma

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face it.

Yesterday evening, I sat in my apartment and sunk into self-pity. I felt unworthy of love due to lingering feelings of rejection. As a way of fighting through it, I wrote this poem and published it. The poem was my last healthy resort to a long-simmering problem. Fortunately, it worked. After I admitted my insecurities and saw them on screen, I was able to claim the upper hand.

Temptation Comes From Pain

This morning, I thought about last night. How did I manage to have my head down buried in shame? How did I end up being tempted again? For starters, temptations are more enticing when I am suffering. Temptation and sin are huge scarlet flags: something is wrong.

I never googled ‘porn.’ It usually started as a desire to google ‘photography,’ or some such feeder. I know photo blogs on Tumblr are often used as funnels by the porn industry, so I would lie to myself about my intent. Nothing wrong with looking as photo blogs on Tumblr, right? Yesterday, for the first time in a long time, I heard that evil voice again. I recognized it for what it is, but was nonetheless discouraged. I hate I could hear it. When I’m fully healthy, I can’t even hear it.

Today, I laugh as I think about it. Another more subtle temptation is to condemn myself for hearing the voice of temptation. How crazy is that? In truth, I responded the right way. I didn’t partner with shame or my pain. And, it’s ok to battle insecurity. Temptation comes when we are weak to destroy our peace and love, but the Lord uses it to shine a light on our condition. (It’s what the Lord did with Cain, because Cain was tempted out of his rejection. The Lord asked Cain to affirm himself, and he did not.)

I’m proud of myself, and this fight is a positive indicator of my walk with the Lord. As bad as I felt yesterday, I choose to stand my ground. I choose to turn the Lord, and believe what His word. I am loved and worthy of love.

Face the Pain

What I realized today is I avoided myself of late. For a the last few weeks, I didn’t make time to process my suffering. I was scared of me. I hate circling back to the same issues. I want to process my life and move forward. But, that’s not human. It’s not gracious.

It’s ok if it takes time to fully overcome my reoccurring issues. The truth is I’ve made tremendous progress in the areas of rejection and self-worth. This post is proof. Last night was proof. I did not engage in self-destruction or self punishment. That’s a win.

The challenge for an introvert like me is to be unafraid of being alone. When I feel sadness tugging at the corner of my heart or rejection fogging my thoughts, I must face it directly. It’s too easy to spend alone time staring at a screen, completing mindless tasks, or writing blogs. Alone time is meant to be a place to recharge, so I can go back into the world at my best. It’s two edged sword though. Time spent alone is either nourishing or hell, depending on my disposition. When I am lost, alone time becomes a place of misery and self-loathing.

Introverts Need Guidance

“Suffering doesn’t melt away. It must be addressed.” My business coach told me that last July, and he’s right. All of the wishing and avoidance will not vanish the pain we hold. It must be rooted out. So for us introverts it means when we are alone, we use that time to face the pain. It’s a form of self-love and self-care.

(This is not a call to “figure yourself out.” I do not believe in self-perfection. We need each other. I am as guilty as anyone of trying to fix myself, but that’s not what I mean. I have a community of people and professionals to lean on when I need counseling and prayer. There’s no shame in asking for help. We all need help from our friends.)

What I want to address is the confession of pain, taking thoughts captive, and renewing our minds.

The first step is confession. Whatever condition we are in, needs to be brought into the light. If you feel like shit, admit it. If you feel abused, confused, or empty, say it. Admitting how we feel is not agreement with it. I might feel rejected, but I don’t believe I’m worthless.
The next action is to question (take captive) our thoughts. My thoughts might tell me I’m worthless or unqualified. But, what if that’s not true? What does the Lord say about me? What are the alternatives? It helps to have the conversation aloud. We engage different parts of our brain when we use our voice. Thoughts are powerful, words are more powerful. So, answer your questions aloud. Anxiety pushes us toward an extreme responses. God’s goodness is somewhere between the two. And, the Lord always says I love you and you are worthy.
Finally, affirm yourself. Tell yourself “I love myself, I am loved, I am special.” Then confirm yourself with Jesus, “Lord, I trust you. I put my faith in you. I release my fear, shame, rejection, and pain.” Include your specific struggle.
Last point: Don’t rush the process. The steps above can be a lifeless routine or life-giving processes. Gratitude is key. I like to end these moments with worship and praise. It repositions my heart and mind to anticipate the goodness of God instead of the plans of the enemy.

I Believe In Being Free

I’m still learning how to fight for myself. Out of my shame, I want to be a finished product. I do not want to admit I am still addressing unsolved rejection from a relationship that ended six months ago. The bigger longer lasting pitfall would be to repress the rejection. I’m not into that. Yesterday and today I took another step toward total freedom from rejection- by choosing to face my fears.

From this moment onward, I will now begin my alone time with asking myself “how’s your heart Nik?” I want to love myself enough expose my pain so I can heal.

Lord, thank you for grace and wisdom. I’m excited about the future.

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LINKS

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