Journal: #262 Life Without Fear
If I confess to one major flaw or weakness in life it is my tendency to give into fear. My fears include people(what they believe about me), failure, heartbreak, and being irrelevant. I’m also afraid of dying young, being alone, and wondering away of the Lord. As I see the words appear after I type them I feel silly. Am I really afraid of failure? Or what people think? Yes. Perhaps not every moment of the day or in every interaction, but I do. It’s enough to shape my life.
Last summer I was given the opportunity to confront these fears. By June, I failed as a business partner and my heart broke into pieces after the woman I wanted decided she didn’t want me. All of these moments were very public, and I had to decide how to react to them. Recently, I pondered that time in my life, because I handled it well.
It was a warm and sunny day, that first Monday in June. I went to meet Jason to discuss our business. My heart was in shards as 24 hours prior, on a sunny Sunday, my beloved girlfriend ended a sweet but incomplete relationship. Jason looked nervous yet resolute. He chose his words carefully, as if rehearsed, “I think it would be best for the business to end our partnership.” I wasn’t shocked, and yet I was. He knew I was going through a breakup. He knew I was sick(with a stomach issue.) I suppose he didn’t care. Why should he have to wait a few days? That’s just who he is. The world could fall down around him and he’d do whatever he was going to do.
Something about how he phrased it “it would be best for the business” didn’t sit well with me. I pressed him when I asked, “Is this what you want?” Eventually, he said yes. Then he asked, “What do you wan to do?” I didn’t have an answer. We chatted some more. He asked again and then a third time. After the third ask, I began to feel angry. It was obvious to me Jason decided June 1st was the day he’d begin to move on without me. Fuck whatever was going on with Nik. His business was more important than any person, which he proved as much in that moment. (I hate the way American culture lauds men for steamrolling people.) I didn’t want to be angry as I sat on the far end of the couch. In truth, Jason is a good man, trying to be a good man. He’s just flawed.
I told Jason to give me a few moments to consider my options. As I saw it I had two primary choices. I could stay on and try to make our partnership work. While I didn’t love the company or working with him, I wanted to succeed. I wanted to build a business and make Redding proud. My other option was to leave, onto some unknown “next thing.” As I examined each choice, I said a quick silent prayer, “Lord, what do I do?” He immediately responded, “Remove the fear, then what do you want to do.” The answer was clear as clean water. I turned to Jason and said, “Yeah, let’s end it.”
I’m not sure what Jason expected, but I think he was surprised by my answer. Maybe because I fought with him about so many parts of the business he saw this as an easy concession. Or, it’s possible he was saddened in some way to know our partnership was ending. Regardless, I don’t think he expected me to give him a strong answer. I must confess, by June I was ready to leave Jason. I hated being his partner and often felt enslaved to his process and way of doing business. I was loud about it, but he held all the power. Of course I didn’t want to stay in that relationship. Who would? My fear was of what was to come once I left.
The conversation and Jason’s insistence on an answer gave me a gift in the form of opportunity. The Lord knew I would fail. He also knew I’d turn to Him, and His call to me was to push past fear, to move in faith. I didn’t leave Jason because I was angry at him. I left because I wanted more for my life. I wanted to be able to write and hike, to be able to spend my weekends with my friends rather than stuck at an event. It was the moment I let go of control and said yes to the Lord. I didn’t have a clue what was to come or how I’d pay my bills, but He did.
Today, while I walked down the street behind my parents house, I thought about that day in June. I thought about what it looked like to stare down fear and act in faith. Then I asked myself a similar question the Lord asked me ten months ago, “Nik, what would you do if you removed the fear?” I’m happy to report I’d continue to live life the way I have the last ten months. I admit fear of people and rejection still creeps around my heart, but I am mostly driving toward what’s in my heart to do. The major difference is I will let go of my need to prove myself, and be me.
Thank you Lord, for the kindness of Your challenges and the patience to offer them.
