Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/21/21 Nik Curfman 4/21/21

Journal: #262 Life Without Fear

The Lord knew I would fail. He also knew I’d turn to Him, and His call to me was to push past fear, to move in faith. I didn’t leave Jason because I was angry at him. I left because I wanted more for my life. I wanted to be able to write and hike, to be able to spend my weekends with my friends rather than stuck at an event. It was the moment I let go of control and said yes to the Lord. I didn’t have a clue what was to come or how I’d pay my bills, but He did.

If I confess to one major flaw or weakness in life it is my tendency to give into fear. My fears include people(what they believe about me), failure, heartbreak, and being irrelevant. I’m also afraid of dying young, being alone, and wondering away of the Lord. As I see the words appear after I type them I feel silly. Am I really afraid of failure? Or what people think? Yes. Perhaps not every moment of the day or in every interaction, but I do. It’s enough to shape my life.

Last summer I was given the opportunity to confront these fears. By June, I failed as a business partner and my heart broke into pieces after the woman I wanted decided she didn’t want me. All of these moments were very public, and I had to decide how to react to them. Recently, I pondered that time in my life, because I handled it well.

It was a warm and sunny day, that first Monday in June. I went to meet Jason to discuss our business. My heart was in shards as 24 hours prior, on a sunny Sunday, my beloved girlfriend ended a sweet but incomplete relationship. Jason looked nervous yet resolute. He chose his words carefully, as if rehearsed, “I think it would be best for the business to end our partnership.” I wasn’t shocked, and yet I was. He knew I was going through a breakup. He knew I was sick(with a stomach issue.) I suppose he didn’t care. Why should he have to wait a few days? That’s just who he is. The world could fall down around him and he’d do whatever he was going to do.

Something about how he phrased it “it would be best for the business” didn’t sit well with me. I pressed him when I asked, “Is this what you want?” Eventually, he said yes. Then he asked, “What do you wan to do?” I didn’t have an answer. We chatted some more. He asked again and then a third time. After the third ask, I began to feel angry. It was obvious to me Jason decided June 1st was the day he’d begin to move on without me. Fuck whatever was going on with Nik. His business was more important than any person, which he proved as much in that moment. (I hate the way American culture lauds men for steamrolling people.) I didn’t want to be angry as I sat on the far end of the couch. In truth, Jason is a good man, trying to be a good man. He’s just flawed.

I told Jason to give me a few moments to consider my options. As I saw it I had two primary choices. I could stay on and try to make our partnership work. While I didn’t love the company or working with him, I wanted to succeed. I wanted to build a business and make Redding proud. My other option was to leave, onto some unknown “next thing.” As I examined each choice, I said a quick silent prayer, “Lord, what do I do?” He immediately responded, “Remove the fear, then what do you want to do.” The answer was clear as clean water. I turned to Jason and said, “Yeah, let’s end it.”

I’m not sure what Jason expected, but I think he was surprised by my answer. Maybe because I fought with him about so many parts of the business he saw this as an easy concession. Or, it’s possible he was saddened in some way to know our partnership was ending. Regardless, I don’t think he expected me to give him a strong answer. I must confess, by June I was ready to leave Jason. I hated being his partner and often felt enslaved to his process and way of doing business. I was loud about it, but he held all the power. Of course I didn’t want to stay in that relationship. Who would? My fear was of what was to come once I left.

The conversation and Jason’s insistence on an answer gave me a gift in the form of opportunity. The Lord knew I would fail. He also knew I’d turn to Him, and His call to me was to push past fear, to move in faith. I didn’t leave Jason because I was angry at him. I left because I wanted more for my life. I wanted to be able to write and hike, to be able to spend my weekends with my friends rather than stuck at an event. It was the moment I let go of control and said yes to the Lord. I didn’t have a clue what was to come or how I’d pay my bills, but He did.

Today, while I walked down the street behind my parents house, I thought about that day in June. I thought about what it looked like to stare down fear and act in faith. Then I asked myself a similar question the Lord asked me ten months ago, “Nik, what would you do if you removed the fear?” I’m happy to report I’d continue to live life the way I have the last ten months. I admit fear of people and rejection still creeps around my heart, but I am mostly driving toward what’s in my heart to do. The major difference is I will let go of my need to prove myself, and be me.

Thank you Lord, for the kindness of Your challenges and the patience to offer them.

Nik Curfman 10/25/20 Nik Curfman 10/25/20

Daily Journal: #98 My Friend Failure

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall down, to fall short, to disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s something else. I believe we call it wisdom.

Cafe Prohibition

In the fall of 2016, I started a pop-up food business called Cafe Prohibition. The concept was something like Loro in Austin, Texas. I wanted to marry flavors of the American south with delicious Asian ingredients. Week after week I worked long hours, eventually moved from my apartment kitchen to a cake shop willing to host me, and constantly changed the menu to find something people craved. I also managed the marketing, food prep, and cooking. So naturally…Cafe Prohibition failed.

I supported myself while I ran Cafe Prohibition with several side jobs. I ran social media for a local fitness company, managed a software integration project for a non-profit, and picked up shifts with Odell Craft BBQ. I did all this to invest my profits from Cafe Prohibition back into the business.

All of my effort seemed like a waste. Sales never got better. And as my business sank, I began to feel the suffocating judgement of failure. By the late summer of 2017, I was suicidal. (Not a joke.) I hated myself and my life. It was an emotional and metal hell.

Laughing At The Pain

This morning, while I walked with Jesus, I remembered Cafe Prohibition. I laughed at the ridiculous process I put myself through each week: shopping for the ingredients, prepping all the dishes, sauces and garnishes, THEN transferring everything from my apartment kitchen to the cake shop kitchen. (Why? Because they wouldn’t let me prep in their kitchen.) Once I set up in the cake shop, I served my food to the handful of customers willing to eat it, cleaned the kitchen, and packed my car to go home.

I created Cafe Prohibition because I am a talented cook, and it made sense. I have the experience, skill set, etc. What I didn’t have turned out to be the most crucial piece. At no point did I love it, my heart was never in it. I found no joy in the work or the process.

Cafe Prohibition is what happens when I do what other people tell me to do. It is the result of living in denial of what my heart wants.

And yes, I laugh about it now. I laugh because of the crazy dishes we created- puff pastry stuffed with butter chicken, corn batter waffles, and “korean” mac n cheese. Mostly, I find humor in the whole endeavor. Why did I ever think I’d be successful? I never liked the restaurant business. Like never ever. At best it was a way to make money while I was in college or ministry school.

Thankful For Failure

I have tried many different careers and jobs, and failed at nearly every one of them. Take a stroll with, while I tick them off:

Dropped out of college after my freshman year.
Dropped out of ministry school in my second year.
Quit a warehouse job.
Fired from a bartending job (because I wanted Father’s Day off.)
Dropped out of community college.
Back-to-back horrid dating relationships.
Quit three restaurant jobs in a year.
Failed to develop my video production business.
Quit a sale gig for a fish company.
Last in sales for a tech company.
Last in sales for another tech company.
The aforementioned Cafe Prohibition failure.
Quit working for another tech company…sales ain’t my thing.
Another break up. It wasn’t an abusive relationship, which kinda made it hurt worse than the others.
Dissolved and left a business partnership.
Weight issues.
Money problems.
Mental and emotional issues.
Lack of self-worth.

As I look at that list I smile and laugh. This isn’t a comprehensive list, but it represents is what I didn’t want or wasn’t ready to receive. Accordingly, this list of failures does not include my wins. It does not include all the successful friendships I’ve made, or the weight I’ve lost. Despite several dropouts, I eventually graduated from college in 2013. And how could it tell the story of my current life, the one where I embrace who I am and walk with Jesus?

No. I am not my failures. I am not a failure.

The Joy of Failure

Until recently, whenever I heard someone say “I don’t have any regrets,” I thought they were full of shit. No one is perfect. How can they have no regrets? I thought they were lying or narcissistic. I was loaded with regrets and constantly expressed them. If I could go back I would… From my perspective it wasn’t possible to live without regret, but it is.

Regret is for people who don’t learn. It is for victims and the powerless. How do I know? I was a victim of life, powerless to change what came. I learned from each failure, mainly how to protect myself. Part of the greatness of God is in how he can take anyone and flip the narrative. It doesn’t happen all at once, but is the work of daily pursuit of the Kingdom. That’s what happened to me.

I didn’t wake up one day to feel dramatic perspective in the way I judged my life. My shift happened over time and was the slow work of love.

There is a moment available to every Christian if we choose to dig deep into the Lord. It’s a glorious moment when we see all the ashes of past failure as fertilizer for new growth. He wastes nothing- not a single moment of shame, pain, or humiliation. And in the end, we can laugh at it. The failed relationships gave me the space to grow and develop into a better partner. All of my work in sales and marketing are useful as I begin to embrace my heart to love people. And all my experience in the restaurant business will enable me to eat well. (And thank God for that, and enduring gift.)

Success is largely how we handle failure. In the past, failure was a signal of my self-worth, not a teacher or a friend. Now I have the benefit of something else. Of course I will fail, that’s life. I will continue to fail, to fall short, and disappoint. Each time, I will rise and try again. These moments are a chance to learn and grow. It’s the process of wisdom.

Lord, thank you for your Grace and Redemption. I’m so glad my past is full of gold. Thank you for sticking with me through all the ups and downs, and continuing to be with me.

I commit my hand to stay clamped to Yours.

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