Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 3/28/23 Nik Curfman 3/28/23

Abstract: Living M5-3

A poem, about walking through a tough season.

I’ve penned pages of words theses last few days,

but nothing worth writing,

or remembering.

My biggest terrors and greatest fears,

leaking out of me onto the paper and screen,

in raw, uncaged form.

And now set beside me like an old friend,

but not my friend,

always my enemy.

And like a scared little boy drags his blanket from the closet.

I keep dragging them around,

From day to day,

in meetings and phone calls,

hidden behind forced smiles and worthless chit chat.

Feels like I’ll never shake them,

the worst of my worst,

the oldest lies holding hands with that icy cold sadness,

rotten and nauseating,

the vile shit that collects,

At the bottom of my bottomless pit.

Blessed are those who cry and grope in the dark,

for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 12/8/22 Nik Curfman 12/8/22

Vol III: #48 Greatest Hopes

What is really happening is my fear is winning, a move to protect my soul. Self-protection is noble from a worldly perspective, but it’s not how the Kingdom works. I know I’ve got let my question go and choose hope. I owe myself and my date that much. What fear whispers each time I consider my options is if you date you’ll be disappointed, you’ll be hurt again. And I must confess, it’s a powerful argument. Our worst fears come from our greatest disappointments. But, our greatest disappointments reveal our greatest hopes and desires.

It’s just easier to hold onto grief and offenses, isn’t it? The pain enables a twisted sense of power or entitlement. And, our pride makes excuses for a lesser version of ourselves. My pain is their fault. They owe me. I’ve had a bad day so I can’t be a dick to everyone. Yes, I’d say it is easier to be hurt and scared and to act hurt and scared. But, I also believe offense and pride are habits as breakable as any habit is. Redemption and love are real. Patience and restoration is real, for those who choose to walk it out. And, hope is eternal.

The most salient example in my life is a last lingering question I have for my ex-girlfriend. It’s a question I never asked, and I know the answer will provide no relief. I’m literally holding onto a fear by keeping the question locked in my heart. How? Or why, you might ask? Simply, I’m holding onto that failure/disappointment as a reason to keep from dating anyone new. The thought of dating a new woman triggers my gage reflex, and my mind runs to one horrid outcome, “when will she decide I’m not the guy.” And make no mistake, I feel extremely justified in my fears. Stupid bitches.

What is really happening is my fear is winning, a move to protect my soul. Self-protection is noble in the eyes of the fallen, but it’s not how the Kingdom works. I know I’ve got let my question go and choose hope. I owe myself and any date as much. But, the fear keeps whispering you’ll get hurt. And I must confess, it’s a powerful argument. My worst fears come from my greatest disappointments. But, my greatest disappointments reveal my greatest hopes and desires.

Here’s to letting go of the pain and learning to stand in hope in 2023.

Nik Curfman 3/18/22 Nik Curfman 3/18/22

Abstract: He Remains

A poem, about how pain and fear keep us from Love.

In the shadows sat the chocolate colored dog,

and it shivered as if cold and alone.

Though the door was unlocked and open wide,

he remained chained to the comfort of the furthest dark corner.

Fed and warm, this animal suffered from pain not obvious or impending.

His new master waited with an open hand,

and whispered words of love and affection.

Tail tucked between his skinny back legs,

the canine whimpered, unbelieving and scared.

The master remained.

Though the hurting animal punished his new master for the sins of the old,

He remained.

The new is not like the old,

He remains.

Nik Curfman 3/10/21 Nik Curfman 3/10/21

Abstract: Victory’s Home

I’ll forever remain right here,

ready to party,

on the other side of the door in your heart,

marked fear.

What happened?!

Why did you run when I was ready to dance?

You were so close to the dream in your chest,

but now you’re hurt,

and you believe you’ll never advance.

Don’t. You. Fret.

I’ll forever remain right here,

ready to party,

on the other side of the door in your heart,

marked fear.

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Nik Curfman 2/26/21 Nik Curfman 2/26/21

Abstract: We All Have A Garden

We all have Garden,

We all have sin,

Death will come for us all.

The difference is who we trust,

And the life we’re livin’.

From the Garden they were expelled,

And to the Garden He went,

Hours before He was murdered.

They lacked for nothing,

In a paradise grown just for them,

His companions couldn’t be bothered to stay up,

As Jesus walked through the beginning of His end.

Each in a Garden,

All faced the most human fear,

Death the thief of life.

Adam and Eve didn’t trust their Father,

But, Jesus did.

Adam and Eve didn’t die,

But, Jesus did.

Adam and Eve didn’t come back from their end,

But, Jesus did.

We all have Garden,

We all have sin,

Death will come for us all.

The difference is who we trust,

And the life we’re livin’.

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Nik Curfman 2/3/21 Nik Curfman 2/3/21

Journal: #195 Stupid Triggers, Gracious God

Today, I was triggered. I went from enjoying my morning to a deep sorrow in a matter of seconds. In response, I began to defend myself between the snot and tears. Once again, I was left to prove my worth to an empty room.

I genuinely hate to be triggered. It’s that sudden snap from reality into an anxiety-riddled hellscape. All possibilities are gone and only shame exists. The future is bleak and stressful. I turn to my intellect to defend my soul, a playbook as old as me.

This trigger isn’t about them. It’s about me. I’m not worthless. I’m amazing. I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m smart, hilarious, and kind. I’m affectionate, kind, and compassionate. I’m awesome and a son of the Most High.

I’m thankful I can be triggered and have the freedom to stop my day to address it. I’m thankful the Lord exposed the lies long sowed into my heart, and I’m thankful He’s yanking them out. I’m thankful for the family and friends I can text when I linger close the cliffs of emotional hell.

More than anything, His banner of me is love. I put my faith in the Lord and His path for me. This isn’t about an outcome or the remaining wounds of a broken dream. It’s about using my voice to say this:

Lord, I feel broken in this moment. Today showed me the lasting disappointment in my heart, but I refuse to be powerless or shrink back into self-protection. I give you my heart to be healed by you. There’s only so much I can do, and it’s a place meant for only You. Heal my heart. Speak Your wisdom and grace. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear. Do things I can’t explain.
I love you, and I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how loud the fear sounds. You are greater. Always.

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Nik Curfman 1/13/21 Nik Curfman 1/13/21

Journal: #174 Learn, Re-Learn, And Grace

I choose believe I don’t have to swim back to shore, but I’m already standing on it. Grace isn’t a work of works. It’s the ability to go from ashamed or angry to alive and joyful in a second. There’s no need to delay the love the the Lord. There’s no need to “work out my salvation.”

Feeling Unwanted

Last week I avoided a poker game. I did so because I did not want to talk politics or conspiracy theories with the other guys. I didn’t want to be rejected for being the only non-Trump supporter, for believing in vaccines, and the election of 2020 was fair.

Wading Through The Moment

The last few months I’ve been tossed out to sea, fighting a ghost. In between Zoom meetings and marketing projects, I stopped believing I’m awesome. The pressure to hit deadlines and the lack of positive feedback has me feeling like a phony. The work never ends, and I have more than enough time to over-think my flaws.

Today, I was angry at myself. The ghost seemed real, and nothing I did sent him away. Although I refused to give up hope to find my way back the land of hope and grace, it felt miles away.

He Leaves BreadCrumbs To Get Me Home

God, in His kindness and foresight, put a new friend(no, not a girlfriend) in my life. And today, she asked me a simple question as I explained my headspace. She wanted to know “what a healthy Nik looks like at the poker game?”

A healthy Nik- who is confident- doesn’t care what others think or what they believe. From those strong shores, I have loads of grace for all types of people and perspectives, but I haven’t been on that safe island in ages.

What I really did last Friday and today was give into fear.

Back to Basics

The question itself “what does a healthy Nik look like” gave me hope. It reminded me of what I can be any time I want. I am not doomed to be dominated by the intolerance of others. More importantly, I am destined to believe in myself, and carry so much love on my back I don’t have room for the disapproval of others.

At another time, I’d feel bad about falling into an old habit. I’d try to punish myself. For what? That’s the way of the world. It’s a measure of contrition, supposedly. But, I don’t recall the Lord ask Peter for penitence.

Instant Grace

This moment feels like I won a major victory. We all progress, then fall back a bit. That’s life. I am thankful I can recognize these lies and fears for what they are. I am happy to know I know how to fight back, to let the Lord love me, and to love myself.

My God. My great and wonderful God. Thank you for new friends and ancient wisdom. Thank you for questions and and grace. I love this particular victory as much as any other.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/27/20 Nik Curfman 12/27/20

Journal: #158 When Pain Piles Up

Sometimes I feel empty, completely lacking wisdom or knowledge or talent. Despite this, I know now more than ever, I will still sing His praises. I can reach for Grace and find it. I’m not alone. These trials are but a moment, and they will pass.

A few months ago I started working a part-time gig for a non-profit organization with operations in Africa and southeast Asia. The job includes managing a sponsorship program. Under this umbrella program are a number of programs to support children, education, and families in some of the poorest countries on Earth. Everyday I’m reminded of the struggles people all over the planet face just to live.

Closer to home, I’ve felt slightly overwhelmed by bad news from friends. Two different friends had to rush a parent to ER with major heart problems, most of family in South Carolina is coming off fights with COVID-19, and then there are the people enduring cancer treatments on Christmas Eve.

It’s a lot. So many people are hurting. Old Nik would feel responsible for it all. How egotistical.

Oh, then there’s me. I wanted to be in Wisconsin for Christmas, but that didn’t work out. I’ve tried to ignore this particular disappointment. What can I do about it? I can’t make someone want to date me, and I believe in a better dating future for my life. But this still lingers. To be ever cliche…it is what it is.

Making Room For Jesus

I let myself feel the sorrow for a bit today while on a quick walk around the block. With tears on my cheeks I told the Lord I was sad, and “I trust you.” Almost instantly, I started to laugh. Why? I don’t know. I don’t care. All I know is the Lord was with me. He knew I was disappointed and thinking about someone far away.

It is good life is lived second at a time. I can be feel pain and failure in one moment, and with an honest simple prayer feel the peace and presence of the Eternal. He holds my future, not me. I’m not called to fix all the pain in the world. I’m a light, a voice in the night, and I will say “Keep going. It’s worth it.”

Facing Fears

Yesterday, my dad and I discussed emotional triggers. We all have them. It can be an off-hand comment that suddenly spins us into rage or fear. Or, it can be a misinterpreted text. Relationships can change in an instant when one person is triggered by the other.

In the end, triggers are intense moments when fear grips our soul. It whispers its lies to our hearts. Then we are faced with a choice. Do we let fear dominate our choices and actions? Or, do we face the anxiety with prayer and faith? Triggers left undefeated lead to a life controlled by fear. The only real choice is to stand and fight, to push back against the darkness trying to claim us.

The Answers Are On Him

In the last 48 hours, I’ve felt my triggers “you weren’t good enough for her, they’re going to die, prayer doesn’t work, you will get fat again.” None of this bullshit is true, but that’s not the point. The goal of any lie is to control the outcome. Fear wants me to stop. Sorrow wants me quit believing in the goodness of the Lord. And anxiety wants me to stop letting faith rule my heart.

I will not relent.

Sing His Praise

My goal isn’t to fix people. For starters, I can’t. I can’t bring my former girl friend. I can’t pull cancer from bodies, or unblock arteries. My skills and talent will be used to proclaim the glory of our Father to those in the storm. When my best friend is depressed by his brother’s cancer, when my family faces an uncertain future, when I feel the desire to want someone who doesn’t me…I will stand and say,“The Lord is still good. He loves us without end. Our destiny is in Him beyond these trials and pain.”

Lord, thank you for my life. Thank for the family and friends I have. Thank you they see me as a pillar of strength. That’s Your doing. Thank you for the blessings and favor I have. More Lord. Keep it coming. You are good. You are worthy of my love and affection. And I am worthy of Yours.

Thank you Jesus.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/6/20 Nik Curfman 11/6/20

Daily Journal: #110 Isolation

My challenge is to find peace in this moment, to find love and grace. My goal is to cling to the Father no matter how isolated I feel. I am loved and worth of love. My political beliefs do not disqualify me from love. I know I am not as isolated as I feel.

This moment. How I feel right now. This is what I hate about being human. As I watch my country descend into political madness, I stand on an opposite shore from so many I love and respect. I sit in silence because I fear losing them, their love, and their respect.

I put on a brave face and hold my tongue. It’s no consolation to know many in the Church have supported all types of dictators and malicious leaders. And now we have a President who has sown more fear and distrust than any other. He’s a petulant child, and many in the church are wringing their hands about it.

How weak are we? How little do we trust Jesus and listen to the Holy Spirit? I hope and pray for a church so focused and dedicated to faith, love, and the Kingdom we barely notice who is in charge. BECAUSE, IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER! We are not made righteous by our vote or who the President is. Faith is going after His presence and loving Him. Remember Matthew 6:33?! Seek first His kingdom is biggest choice we can make everyday.

My Prayer

Lord, Father of all of us. You love me, crazy Trump supporters, and ardent Trump haters. We are all your kids. I am begging you for peace and a supernatural calm to cover America. I pray for truth to shine and love to win. Jesus, come. I will not concede my country to fear and violence.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/31/20 Nik Curfman 10/31/20

Daily Journal: #104 Fear, Lies, and Accusations

It’s increasingly clear the enemies goal with me is to pull my eyes down. If I begin to look at the cracks and weeds- to belief the lies and accusations- I’m in trouble. With my eyes down, I begin to act out of fear. I try to correct and clean myself, and exclude the wonder and goodness of God.

I took today off, like I planned. While mild compared to last Saturday, I still heard the voices. You’re not being productive. You should be working on that website for the meeting on Monday, and you know you need to get on top of the social media for (another client.) You need to draw something. Why can’t you just draw something. You haven’t read a book in a while (three days.)

Again, this was a mild case of guilt and condemnation. I did not breakdown into a puddle of emotion or give myself a pep talk at any point today. This is progress too. I affirmed myself a bit - I am not lazy. I am a hard worker. I will finish my projects. It’s ok to relax and watch a bit of football.

Walks Are Good For The Soul

After lunch, I went for a long walk in the working class neighborhood behind mine. It leads up to an industrial area on the north side of Redding. It is not a beautiful walk. Dried out weeds cover the sidewalk, while huge cracks plague the asphalt road. The rundown homes eventually give way to dull, featureless warehouses.

Despite my drab surroundings, I looked to Mount Lassen and the Cascades to my east. The setting sun created gorgeous red and violet hues against the dark mountains. I was encouraged by a simple thought. The beautiful truth of those mountain exists, regardless of what I see around me. If I step back from what consumes me I will find beauty, wonder, and peace.

The Weapons Used Against Us

Once I turned to walk home, I began to pray. I want to be able to battle evil thoughts like those accusing me of laziness and corruption. Lord, what does it mean to have a “shield of faith.” It seems like a wonderful concept, but what does it really mean? I wanted answers, because I need the Bible to be applicable and real. I don’t want to live any version of a Christian philosophy. And, I want to be to enjoy a day off.

True to His nature, the Lord spoke directly to my heart.

A shield is used for protection from attacks, and the attacks from the enemy are always the same: lies, accusation, and fear. Faith is giving Me the space to be Me. To use your shield of faith, call the enemy out then say “I expect the Lord to do something in this situation.”
When the enemy comes to you, he is always lying(of lacking character), always accusing you (of being lazy), always trying to push you to act our of fear (not faith.) Your words are your shield. Speak the truth of your being and My promises. (You are not lazy or crooked. You are may enjoy the day. You are not going to backslide into being fat and alone. You are worthy of love and respect. Your are enough. I will show up and shower you with grace and peace. And, I will beat his ass.) Watch him run. Over time, your mind will be renewed and your heart will not suffer this accusation or fear.

The Eternal Truth Beyond What I See

There is an eternal truth about Nik beyond this moment of transition. I think I appear to be drifting through life, directionless even. But, that’s not true. I am not a neglected neighborhood. My streets are not in need of repair, and I am not boring. It’s true, I am no finished product. I do not possess wealth or a career, or a house. But, I am a man. I am strong and confident man. I dare to love people and be a source of grace and hope.

It’s increasingly clear the enemies goal with me is to pull my eyes down. If I begin to look at the cracks and weeds- to believe the lies and accusations- I’m in trouble. With my eyes down, I begin to act out of fear. I try to correct and clean myself. I exclude the wonder and goodness of God.

In this season I am learning what faith is and what it isn’t. Faith is a doing. It is words spoken with expectation and hope. It is perseverance in the face of failure. It is allowing God to be God, and a trust He knows best. It’s believing Him, and showing up everyday to receive what He has to give. This is the Way.

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Nik Curfman 10/30/20 Nik Curfman 10/30/20

Daily Journal: #103 Exhausted and Confused Faith

I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him- in all things.

Today, just over an hour ago, I drove to the house of my former girlfriend to deliver her yoga mat and prep knife. (I hate the term ex-girlfriend.) The reason for the tardy return of her items is more practical than you might think. I took her knife, and one of mine, to be professionally sharpened in San Francisco exactly one week before the quarantine. I got them back via USPS Wednesday, nearly eight months later. Such is life in the times of COVID-19.

As I turned off Eureka Way onto Willis, I felt my heartbeat in my throat. “What if this is it?” I wondered. These objects resting on my passenger seat were the last ties I had to her. After this, I have no practical reason to see her other than desire. I do desire to see her. I love her. She’s my friend, even now. But, we haven’t spoken in weeks. Whatever flickering longings I’ve held are near death. The closer I got to her house, the more sadness flooded my heart.

The Dilemma

Every time I read scripture like “ask and you shall receive,” she comes to mind, which is a cause for conflict. What do I want? Do I want God’s best for my life? (HINT: Yes and always.) Or do I stand on what is still hiding in my heart, my desire for her? I’ve been in this place before. I tend to have strong emotions and attachments. Strong emotions are real but not always in line with what’s good or what’s best.

I planned to drop by her house unannounced on purpose. I knew she wouldn’t be there, and her absence afforded me the opportunity to be an emotional wreck. Soon after I made my delivery, I set my tears free and prayed, “Lord, what do I do?” I fell in love with a wonderful human, full of love and kindness, intelligence and compassion, and…immature and flawed. I do not want to go back to dating the woman I knew in May. She was judgmental and afraid. (For the record, I don’t want to be me from May either. I neglected myself and tried to be superman. I struggled with judgment as well.)

In addition to all of my objections, I have one huge requirement for my girlfriend. I need her to want to date me, and appreciate me as I am. I’m not sure she was ever fully on board, and I definitely don’t want a codependent relationship. I’m confident in my strength and ability in a relationship to work through the unavoidable pains and strain.

What I Want

I’m not sure she’ll ever text me again, if we’ll remain friends (as I wrote this post, she texted to say thank you.) The idea I could or should want more from her is idealistic. But isn’t that what faith is? Wanting and expecting what isn’t seen? Yes, and no.

What my heart truly wants is a good relationship with an amazing women. I believe in that. I also believe every relationship is about two people doing what they can to be together. It’s not about one or the other. It’s not my job to carry a woman and let her insecurities drag us down- a common characteristic of every previous relationship of mine. No more.

I want strength. I want passion. I want confidence. I refuse to accept the idea women are weaker than men, and we (men) are designed to be super heroes. I’m awesome and I want to date an amazing woman, one who embraces their awesomeness. I’ve seen it in my former girlfriend at her best (or close to it.) It could be her.

The Best Solution I Got

I’m not looking for perfection or a “total package” (as if people are manufactured products.) I needed to say that. I’m looking for a woman running after her best life, secure in her identity as a daughter of the Creator King. That’s what I’m doing. It’s what I value. At 40, I’m looking for an empowered woman with enough gumption to own who she is and be brave enough fight her fears.

As I prayed today, I felt peace settle on my heart. I trust the Lord and will not fear the future, any future. A girlfriend, a wife, is about so much more than basic desire. I’ve watched perfect couples divorce, and terrible couples turn into soulmates. I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him in all things.

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Nik Curfman 10/13/20 Nik Curfman 10/13/20

DJ: #86 Goal Setting and Fear of the Future

I know I made goal-setting a mountain to be moved. When I think about my life a year from now, what I want, how I want it to look, it not dramatically different than it is today. (And a few things are out of my control i.e. coronavirus, the economy, etc.)

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In my last session with Kirk (business coach,) he asked me to set goals before our next meeting. That was nearly two month ago. Next week we will convene to go over my goals. Of all the tasks and homework he’s given me, new goals are the scariest. He asked me to envision my future, a thing I am reticent to do.

As I prepare for next week, I am forced to confront my fears. I am afraid to admit what I want, and simultaneously afraid of what I want. I am scared of wanting the wrong thing. I fear failing in pursuit of the wrong thing. Lord knows I’ve failed…a lot.

What’s the point of having goals anyway, if what I want is always wrong and/or I never seem to get there? Seriously. What's. The. F-cking. Point?

(In my head, I know what’s happening here in this moment. My mind has closed and my vision narrowed. Life is suddenly about immediate results and binary choices. It’s as though all the wisdom, love, and grace from this year disappeared. I need to be honest with myself. I need to ask a few questions, and challenge the narrative in my head.)

I’ll start with stating the obvious, as Paul put it, “It’s no longer I who lives, but He who lives in me…and my life is now lived by faith in the holy Son of God.” My life is radically different than it has ever been. And I aim to keep it that way. I do not fear the future or failure. How can I?

I know I made goal-setting a mountain to be moved. When I think about my life a year from now, what I want, how I want it to look, it is not dramatically different than it is today. (And a few things are out of my control i.e. coronavirus, the economy, etc.)

So what do I want? I want to have written 300 more Daily Journal blog post, 100 poems, and 12 Learnt posts. I want to complete 12 major art works and 150 small sketches. I want to lose another 45 pounds of fat, payoff another $10k in debt, and increase my savings/investments by $10k. But, these are the easy goals to set. They are mostly a continuation of what I am already doing.

By this time next year, I also plan on furthering my spiritual education, and I’d like to be in a healthy romantic relationship. Both of these are hard to admit, but for separate reasons. It’s hard for me to tell people I plan to go to ministry next fall because I feel like I’m too old for it.

And the other thing? The relationship? I learned anything this year it’s that it doesn’t matter how much I want something. If the other person in the relationship doesn’t want to be in it, (whatever the reason) there’s nothing I can do but let them walk. How can I plan to be in something when I can only affect half of the thing?

I suppose I could work up the courage to ask a woman out, which would be a small victory of a sort. Of course, in order to ask a woman out I need to be in a place to meet her. Maybe my goal shouldn’t be to go on a date, rather to meet someone new. That would be nice. That approach reduces the pressure to produce a relationship- I can go years without being attracted to anyone.

What a blog. I feel like a just processed through some major stuff. Now I’m gonna go make a smoothie.

Thank you Lord for pulling me back from the ledge. I am loved and worthy of love. I do not need to fear the future.

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