Daily Journal: #104 Fear, Lies, and Accusations

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

I took today off, like I planned. While mild compared to last Saturday, I still heard the voices. You’re not being productive. You should be working on that website for the meeting on Monday, and you know you need to get on top of the social media for (another client.) You need to draw something. Why can’t you just draw something. You haven’t read a book in a while (three days.)

Again, this was a mild case of guilt and condemnation. I did not breakdown into a puddle of emotion or give myself a pep talk at any point today. This is progress too. I affirmed myself a bit - I am not lazy. I am a hard worker. I will finish my projects. It’s ok to relax and watch a bit of football.

Walks Are Good For The Soul

After lunch, I went for a long walk in the working class neighborhood behind mine. It leads up to an industrial area on the north side of Redding. It is not a beautiful walk. Dried out weeds cover the sidewalk, while huge cracks plague the asphalt road. The rundown homes eventually give way to dull, featureless warehouses.

Despite my drab surroundings, I looked to Mount Lassen and the Cascades to my east. The setting sun created gorgeous red and violet hues against the dark mountains. I was encouraged by a simple thought. The beautiful truth of those mountain exists, regardless of what I see around me. If I step back from what consumes me I will find beauty, wonder, and peace.

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The Weapons Used Against Us

Once I turned to walk home, I began to pray. I want to be able to battle evil thoughts like those accusing me of laziness and corruption. Lord, what does it mean to have a “shield of faith.” It seems like a wonderful concept, but what does it really mean? I wanted answers, because I need the Bible to be applicable and real. I don’t want to live any version of a Christian philosophy. And, I want to be to enjoy a day off.

True to His nature, the Lord spoke directly to my heart.

A shield is used for protection from attacks, and the attacks from the enemy are always the same: lies, accusation, and fear. Faith is giving Me the space to be Me. To use your shield of faith, call the enemy out then say “I expect the Lord to do something in this situation.”

When the enemy comes to you, he is always lying(of lacking character), always accusing you (of being lazy), always trying to push you to act our of fear (not faith.) Your words are your shield. Speak the truth of your being and My promises. (You are not lazy or crooked. You are may enjoy the day. You are not going to backslide into being fat and alone. You are worthy of love and respect. Your are enough. I will show up and shower you with grace and peace. And, I will beat his ass.) Watch him run. Over time, your mind will be renewed and your heart will not suffer this accusation or fear.

The Eternal Truth Beyond What I See

There is an eternal truth about Nik beyond this moment of transition. I think I appear to be drifting through life, directionless even. But, that’s not true. I am not a neglected neighborhood. My streets are not in need of repair, and I am not boring. It’s true, I am no finished product. I do not possess wealth or a career, or a house. But, I am a man. I am strong and confident man. I dare to love people and be a source of grace and hope.

It’s increasingly clear the enemies goal with me is to pull my eyes down. If I begin to look at the cracks and weeds- to believe the lies and accusations- I’m in trouble. With my eyes down, I begin to act out of fear. I try to correct and clean myself. I exclude the wonder and goodness of God.

In this season I am learning what faith is and what it isn’t. Faith is a doing. It is words spoken with expectation and hope. It is perseverance in the face of failure. It is allowing God to be God, and a trust He knows best. It’s believing Him, and showing up everyday to receive what He has to give. This is the Way.

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LINKS

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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Daily Journal: #105 Picking the Right Words
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Daily Journal: #103 Exhausted and Confused Faith