Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 5/20/23 Nik Curfman 5/20/23

Vol III: #83 To Defend or Turn Cheek?

After the initial shock wore off, I closed my eyes and sank into my seat. I wondered how someone could be so bold and a few questions came to mind, mostly how I ought to handle this type of situation in the future. My aim is to shoot my clients straight and create a healthy expectation for their project with us. My inclination is to ignore the noise and keep my head down. I know myself and our business. And yet, a small rage still burns in my mind as I type. What a bunch of f#ckers?

This work week was a good week. Our business grew by 20% in five days. And now a new anxiety has replaced the old as more than once I wondered can our fulfillment team keep pace with the sales team? Of all the problems to have, that’s the one any business wants. And I trust our leadership. This isn’t their first rodeo.

On the disturbing side of life, I encountered my first personal/professional attack from a competitor. I was made aware of the attack by a would-be client and my head spun as I read the email. A competing sales person stated that she’d worked with me and I was known liar, and that our business was built on lies. How ironic. The modern term for this behavior is gaslighting- when a person accuses another of the thing(being a liar) they are doing(lying). I’ve never met Alise and she’s never met me. Still, I could feel my jaw tighten and I thought of ways to make her life hell.

Silence is not a respected tactic in 2023, not in the era of offense and outrage. But, it is Biblical. Jesus remained quiet as his accusers yelled and screamed, as did Stephen. And while I’d love to see myself as saintly in this moment, I find more direction in the words of Mark Twain:

“Never argue with stupid(lying) people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”

Nik Curfman 4/1/21 Nik Curfman 4/1/21

Journal: #244 Fighting Through Lies

The last part of this fight is about faith. Who do I trust? What is true? I trust God Almighty. I know He’s got my back. I can fail a thousand attempts, and He’ll hand me opportunity 1,001. He’s met me in every valley and back alley. The Holy Spirit is my constant friends and guide. Over 20 years ago, the Lord promised He’d never leave me. Promise kept. These are the truths of my life.

Yesterday, I had a few thoughts ripple through my mind. They were the kind of negative thoughts I am determined to fight- what are you doing? You’re not really going anywhere. You’re stuck. They are all lies, old lies, the type a younger Nik would wilt under upon thinking them. Fortunately, I’m older Nik. I’ve been through some shit and I know how to respond to fear and lies.

I’ll start by believing this is a moment of grace. My body is recovering from my fling with nicotine, which comes with consequences. My emotions are running from one extreme to another. It’s what happens when my body decides to hate me. (God bless people coming off something like heroine or meth. I can’t imagine the physical and emotional hell it must be.) The cravings are subsiding a bit today. I’ll take it. I will also forgive myself for poor choices, and ask the Lord to hasten my return to a healthy respiratory system.

Next, I won’t answer the accusations my fears are lobbing at my mind. Fear must never be fed, never placated or pacified. Fear must be starved and neglected. He’s the loser in the corner with a sharp tongue. He craves attention and will use any trick in his book to get me to stop what I’m doing, and I know I can’t stop. Every week or so, the Lord encourages me to “keep showing up.” That is my task- to move in faith and hope, to find gratitude in every moment, and declare his righteousness over my life.

The last part of this fight is about faith. Who do I trust? What is true? I trust God Almighty. I know He’s got my back. I can fail a thousand attempts, and He’ll hand me opportunity 1,001. He’s met me in every valley and back alley. The Holy Spirit is my constant friends and guide. Over 20 years ago, the Lord promised He’d never leave me. Promise kept. These are the truths of my life.

I am loved and worthy of love. His banner over me is love. I’m strong. I am smart. I am faithful. I am thankful for all the opportunities in front of me, and I accept the joy of the Lord as my strength.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 3/31/21 Nik Curfman 3/31/21

Journal: #242 The Addict’s Lie

I quit smoking cigarettes in 2018 after seven years of an on/off again relationship with them. I learned a lot about me that year- mainly how I lied to myself to protect my addiction. Over time, I distilled all the bullshit lies down to one outright lie: My life is better with this (drug, cigarette, person, habit, etc) than without. Since then, I’ve learned the best parts and people in life, A) give life and carry the fruit of the spirit(peace, love, hope, joy, faith, love) on their backs, and B) are usually free.

So, why am I talking about cigarettes and addiction? Because. I’m day three into withdrawals symptoms, and if this blog is going to be a living document of my experience- my highs and lows- I’ve got to include the self-destructive lows too.

Yes. I quit smoking in 2018. That’s a truth, but not the whole truth. People I know and love smoke back East. Whenever I go for a visit, I would smoke with them. Since most of my visits were short, I could handle having a few cigarettes. It’s not the healthiest choice, but I made it. And…I just finished a seven week stay in the Carolinas. I had a more than a few cigarettes during my stay, and now I’m suffering the consequences of my decisions.

Late yesterday was the worst, and I anticipate today being similar. The nicotine is officially out of my blood stream, and my body is not happy. I can feel my throat and lungs tighten as they send signals to my brain. As of right now they are whispering their desire for a puff or two. At some point later today, they will scream in anger demanding to be satisfied. Part of this process is deconstructing the the lie above, that my life is better with a cigarette than without. It’s not true. My life most certainly is better without tobacco. But, when my body physically craves nicotine, it’s a convincing lie.

Part of me feels shame for falling back into an old habit, but part of me doesn’t. Mostly, I feel shame for keeping it hidden. The truth is I don’t want to smoke cigarettes. It’s smelly, expensive, addictive, and causes a thousand forms of death. I don’t want to spend the end of my life having various organs removed or pulling an oxygen tank behind me. I kept it hidden for various reasons, but mostly because I know my non-southern community would not approve.

This post is about me being honest, willing to expose my flaws in real-time. It’s tough. I didn’t write this a month ago because I wasn’t ready to give it up a month ago. I didn’t want to live in the light, not on this. Eventually I began to feel dishonest, which led to self-condemnation.

I want this to be the final battle with tobacco. No cigarettes. No cigars. No pipes. (In all fairness, cigars and pipes are not nearly as addictive as cigarettes. The chemicals in cigarettes are legion and evil.) Part of me wonders if I should create a law for myself -“Thou shalt not” - or give myself freedom to choose moment by moment. I tend to do better with freedom than restraints.

Lord, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt my body with toxic chemical and smoke. And I’m sorry I covered it up. I feel like a hypocrite by asking for help, but I’m asking all the same. I’m thankful for this body you gave me. Teach me to care for it. I want to squeeze as much life out of it as possible.

Amen.

Nik Curfman 1/27/21 Nik Curfman 1/27/21

Abstract: Don’t Fight The Lies, Accept the Truth

So on this dreary morning, full of doubt,

I will not answer my attacker or plead my case.

I will not submit evidence to the court as proof of my worth.

Nah.

I will rise and whisper:

Lord, here I am.

As the day dawned, I rolled over and longed for more of the night.

Alone in my bed, rancid thoughts pushed their way to the front of my mind.

How long will I accuse myself? Judge the creation of the Lord?

Am I not like the rest of His of work?

Am I not Good?

The ancient answer is apparent and obvious: Yes.

I am Good.

For everything He made He called Good.

From this perch, my mind shouts its strongest indictment:

If I am good, why do I struggle?

Why?

No amount of extra sleep or wishing away the dawn is an antidote to the sickness of my imperfection.

Suddenly, like the rising sun,

the Holy Spirit arrives in all Her kind glory,

The Accuser exposed.

She quietly reminds me of the eternal truth.

Yes, I am Good.

No, I am not perfect, not complete, not finished.

Perfection is not the expectation of the Spirit, but flawed men.

My servant Savior didn’t demand the perfection so preached in our churches.

He said,”Come after me. Seek the Father. The rest will care for itself.”

So on this dreary morning, full of doubt,

I will not answer my attacker or plead my case.

I will not submit evidence to the court as proof of my worth.

Nah.

I will rise and whisper:

Lord, here I am.

I give you everything that I am.

I lay down my doubts and pain,

my hopes and dreams.

I trust you and accept the life your planned for me,

Your grace, hopes and dreams,

Your eyes and ears for me.

Rip out the roots of the accuser,

Water the seeds You put in my heart,

Your will be done in my life and through my life this day.

I refuse to listen to the same lies that work to tie me down and hold me in shame,

I accept your Word over me.

I love You, and I’m so thankful You are real and love me.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/22/20 Nik Curfman 11/22/20

Journal: #125 Victory Over Lies

My great fall from grace is not coming. My legs are strong, and my heart is whole. My eyes see the glory of the coming of the Lord, and His truth will march on. He is building me to be a tall tower, a light to those who toil in the night. I will shine forever more.

This week was an emotionally long week. I cried and snotted my way through each day. My blog posts reflected the progression from loneliness to brokenness to repentance. I admit it took a few days to gain the upper hand. I didn’t understand the source of my shame (rejection). Once I saw the attack for what it was I knew what to do. The key to overcoming rejection and self-pity is turning to the truth of my existence in the Lord. I am loved. I am worthy. I have a hope and future.

I can’t lick self-pity or judgement by perfecting myself- morphing into a person someone wants. That is a never ending cycle. My moment of victory rides on the back of love and patience, of faith and expectant hope. I find victory in the gracious arms of the Lord. When I confess His love over my life, I speak to my heart and my soul.

We Wrestle Not With People

My war with rejection and self-worth isn’t about other people. (The enemy likes to use the image of others- past girlfriends, old bosses, or coaches- to whip my mind into a depressed submission.) People are to be loved, encouraged, and stewarded. My battle is with belief and fear- ancient lies meant to keep me from walking in my God-given calling and His grace. I turn the tide against fear and judgment when I spot these lies.

Every single one of us faces a snake in our garden, whispering attractive lies and offering easy glory. The liar wants us to run from Love and what sustains us. He presents interesting alternatives and triggers our pride. Every lustful tactic designed to divide us from Him.

The snake in my garden offers to protect me. He reminds me of the pain I suffered by the rejection of others:

All you want to do is love people Nik. They couldn’t see my worth. They don’t know how amazing I am, but maybe I’m not amazing. Perhaps I need a plan, more money, and better clothes. If I were skinny, made more money, and had a noteworthy career…I’m not cool enough. My hair is too thin. I need a muscular body. Women think I’m a pussy. I need to unavailable and cold. No one wants a sensitive man. I need more money, to work with my hands. I need to hunt and kill animals. I need…I am not…I think I need…

All of it is bullshit.

Right here, right now, with a wool blanket covering my legs, I am a badass mofo. I am enough. Snake, GTFO.

How He Loves Us

Last week, while I walked up the hill near my apartment, the Lord said to me, “You still have your promises.” He spoke specifically to my heart and my mind. My heart has grieved the end my last relationship, while my mind searched for motivation and direction. Since I need them to work together, the Lord brought them into alignment in an instant. While much in my life changed over the last 12 months, He is still God. His hand is where it was a year ago, and I am not a wretch to be pitied.

I think I expected my life to collapse at some point this fall. Sure, I made a ton of progress as a man this summer, but all good things must end, right? Wrong. What I consider progress changed, but I continue to love the Lord and find daily grace for myself.

Consider this: When I post this Journal post, it will be my 125th blog post. It’s an incredible accomplishment for me. I posted my first post on Tumblr on July 11th. It’s been 134 days since that day. I’ve also posted 30 poems and ten(ish) other writings. That’s over 160 pieces of myself for the world to read (or not read.) The point is, I don’t know if I’ve ever dedicated myself to anything as much as I have this blog, and I’m proud of me.

I have other victories to consider in my finances, physical health, and my work. All of the indicators, all of the needles, are pointing up. Despite my challenges and emotional lapses, I am kicking ass. I have the Lord to praise for it.

A New Expectation

Matthew 6:33 commands us to run after the Lord and His kingdom with all our hearts, minds, and souls. Then Jesus promised us the Father would care for us as He- our health, needs, and dreams. I devoted myself to pursuit of the kingdom- above all else- in 2020, and I have seen this promise fulfilled. My needs and health are met. I still have my promises.

The last few months I’ve lived outside my experience and comfort levels…but I’ve stayed the course. When the lying snake has slithered next to my heart, I’ve fought to win my heart back from the lies. I’ve run to the Lord in my moments of shame, instead of hide in bush. I refused to cover myself or my nakedness. He sees it all regardless of my attempt to disguise my pain. My God is good, and He proves Himself everyday.

My great fall from grace is not coming. My legs are strong, and my heart is whole. My eyes see the glory of the coming of the Lord, and His truth will march on. He is building me to be a tall tower, a light to those who toil in the night. I will shine forever more.

Onward.

Thank you Lord, for all of your goodness, and the faithfulness in your hand. I love you friend. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/31/20 Nik Curfman 10/31/20

Daily Journal: #104 Fear, Lies, and Accusations

It’s increasingly clear the enemies goal with me is to pull my eyes down. If I begin to look at the cracks and weeds- to belief the lies and accusations- I’m in trouble. With my eyes down, I begin to act out of fear. I try to correct and clean myself, and exclude the wonder and goodness of God.

I took today off, like I planned. While mild compared to last Saturday, I still heard the voices. You’re not being productive. You should be working on that website for the meeting on Monday, and you know you need to get on top of the social media for (another client.) You need to draw something. Why can’t you just draw something. You haven’t read a book in a while (three days.)

Again, this was a mild case of guilt and condemnation. I did not breakdown into a puddle of emotion or give myself a pep talk at any point today. This is progress too. I affirmed myself a bit - I am not lazy. I am a hard worker. I will finish my projects. It’s ok to relax and watch a bit of football.

Walks Are Good For The Soul

After lunch, I went for a long walk in the working class neighborhood behind mine. It leads up to an industrial area on the north side of Redding. It is not a beautiful walk. Dried out weeds cover the sidewalk, while huge cracks plague the asphalt road. The rundown homes eventually give way to dull, featureless warehouses.

Despite my drab surroundings, I looked to Mount Lassen and the Cascades to my east. The setting sun created gorgeous red and violet hues against the dark mountains. I was encouraged by a simple thought. The beautiful truth of those mountain exists, regardless of what I see around me. If I step back from what consumes me I will find beauty, wonder, and peace.

The Weapons Used Against Us

Once I turned to walk home, I began to pray. I want to be able to battle evil thoughts like those accusing me of laziness and corruption. Lord, what does it mean to have a “shield of faith.” It seems like a wonderful concept, but what does it really mean? I wanted answers, because I need the Bible to be applicable and real. I don’t want to live any version of a Christian philosophy. And, I want to be to enjoy a day off.

True to His nature, the Lord spoke directly to my heart.

A shield is used for protection from attacks, and the attacks from the enemy are always the same: lies, accusation, and fear. Faith is giving Me the space to be Me. To use your shield of faith, call the enemy out then say “I expect the Lord to do something in this situation.”
When the enemy comes to you, he is always lying(of lacking character), always accusing you (of being lazy), always trying to push you to act our of fear (not faith.) Your words are your shield. Speak the truth of your being and My promises. (You are not lazy or crooked. You are may enjoy the day. You are not going to backslide into being fat and alone. You are worthy of love and respect. Your are enough. I will show up and shower you with grace and peace. And, I will beat his ass.) Watch him run. Over time, your mind will be renewed and your heart will not suffer this accusation or fear.

The Eternal Truth Beyond What I See

There is an eternal truth about Nik beyond this moment of transition. I think I appear to be drifting through life, directionless even. But, that’s not true. I am not a neglected neighborhood. My streets are not in need of repair, and I am not boring. It’s true, I am no finished product. I do not possess wealth or a career, or a house. But, I am a man. I am strong and confident man. I dare to love people and be a source of grace and hope.

It’s increasingly clear the enemies goal with me is to pull my eyes down. If I begin to look at the cracks and weeds- to believe the lies and accusations- I’m in trouble. With my eyes down, I begin to act out of fear. I try to correct and clean myself. I exclude the wonder and goodness of God.

In this season I am learning what faith is and what it isn’t. Faith is a doing. It is words spoken with expectation and hope. It is perseverance in the face of failure. It is allowing God to be God, and a trust He knows best. It’s believing Him, and showing up everyday to receive what He has to give. This is the Way.

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