Journal: #242 The Addict’s Lie
I quit smoking cigarettes in 2018 after seven years of an on/off again relationship with them. I learned a lot about me that year- mainly how I lied to myself to protect my addiction. Over time, I distilled all the bullshit lies down to one outright lie: My life is better with this (drug, cigarette, person, habit, etc) than without. Since then, I’ve learned the best parts and people in life, A) give life and carry the fruit of the spirit(peace, love, hope, joy, faith, love) on their backs, and B) are usually free.
So, why am I talking about cigarettes and addiction? Because. I’m day three into withdrawals symptoms, and if this blog is going to be a living document of my experience- my highs and lows- I’ve got to include the self-destructive lows too.
Yes. I quit smoking in 2018. That’s a truth, but not the whole truth. People I know and love smoke back East. Whenever I go for a visit, I would smoke with them. Since most of my visits were short, I could handle having a few cigarettes. It’s not the healthiest choice, but I made it. And…I just finished a seven week stay in the Carolinas. I had a more than a few cigarettes during my stay, and now I’m suffering the consequences of my decisions.
Late yesterday was the worst, and I anticipate today being similar. The nicotine is officially out of my blood stream, and my body is not happy. I can feel my throat and lungs tighten as they send signals to my brain. As of right now they are whispering their desire for a puff or two. At some point later today, they will scream in anger demanding to be satisfied. Part of this process is deconstructing the the lie above, that my life is better with a cigarette than without. It’s not true. My life most certainly is better without tobacco. But, when my body physically craves nicotine, it’s a convincing lie.
Part of me feels shame for falling back into an old habit, but part of me doesn’t. Mostly, I feel shame for keeping it hidden. The truth is I don’t want to smoke cigarettes. It’s smelly, expensive, addictive, and causes a thousand forms of death. I don’t want to spend the end of my life having various organs removed or pulling an oxygen tank behind me. I kept it hidden for various reasons, but mostly because I know my non-southern community would not approve.
This post is about me being honest, willing to expose my flaws in real-time. It’s tough. I didn’t write this a month ago because I wasn’t ready to give it up a month ago. I didn’t want to live in the light, not on this. Eventually I began to feel dishonest, which led to self-condemnation.
I want this to be the final battle with tobacco. No cigarettes. No cigars. No pipes. (In all fairness, cigars and pipes are not nearly as addictive as cigarettes. The chemicals in cigarettes are legion and evil.) Part of me wonders if I should create a law for myself -“Thou shalt not” - or give myself freedom to choose moment by moment. I tend to do better with freedom than restraints.
Lord, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I hurt my body with toxic chemical and smoke. And I’m sorry I covered it up. I feel like a hypocrite by asking for help, but I’m asking all the same. I’m thankful for this body you gave me. Teach me to care for it. I want to squeeze as much life out of it as possible.
Amen.
