Journal: #244 Fighting Through Lies
Yesterday, I had a few thoughts ripple through my mind. They were the kind of negative thoughts I am determined to fight- what are you doing? You’re not really going anywhere. You’re stuck. They are all lies, old lies, the type a younger Nik would wilt under upon thinking them. Fortunately, I’m older Nik. I’ve been through some shit and I know how to respond to fear and lies.
I’ll start by believing this is a moment of grace. My body is recovering from my fling with nicotine, which comes with consequences. My emotions are running from one extreme to another. It’s what happens when my body decides to hate me. (God bless people coming off something like heroine or meth. I can’t imagine the physical and emotional hell it must be.) The cravings are subsiding a bit today. I’ll take it. I will also forgive myself for poor choices, and ask the Lord to hasten my return to a healthy respiratory system.
Next, I won’t answer the accusations my fears are lobbing at my mind. Fear must never be fed, never placated or pacified. Fear must be starved and neglected. He’s the loser in the corner with a sharp tongue. He craves attention and will use any trick in his book to get me to stop what I’m doing, and I know I can’t stop. Every week or so, the Lord encourages me to “keep showing up.” That is my task- to move in faith and hope, to find gratitude in every moment, and declare his righteousness over my life.
The last part of this fight is about faith. Who do I trust? What is true? I trust God Almighty. I know He’s got my back. I can fail a thousand attempts, and He’ll hand me opportunity 1,001. He’s met me in every valley and back alley. The Holy Spirit is my constant friends and guide. Over 20 years ago, the Lord promised He’d never leave me. Promise kept. These are the truths of my life.
I am loved and worthy of love. His banner over me is love. I’m strong. I am smart. I am faithful. I am thankful for all the opportunities in front of me, and I accept the joy of the Lord as my strength.
Amen.
