Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 7/26/24 Nik Curfman 7/26/24

Fun Friday #3: Cheating Canadians.

A Fun Friday post. About Cheating Canadians. Should I get joy out of this? Probably not, but it’s too good not to love.

The Germans have a word for the joy felt at the misfortune of others. It’s schadenfreude. And while I dislike the concept of reveling in the pain of others, I have my limits. Earlier this week, the Canadian soccer team was caught cheating. And we aren’t talking your garden variety cheating. Nope. The Canadians used drones to spy on their opponents…for years. LAUGH MY ASS OFF!!

It’s an extra layer of funny because Canadian soccer program is garbage. Like, not good. Like, if you were really cheating, why were do your teams suck so bad? Makes no sense. It’s like being a bank robber, ski mask on, gun in hand, but can’t figure out the front door. What a stunning failure, especially from a nation that prides itself on being nice and polite, as peacemakers. Yes. I find joy in all those facts.

At least now we have something on Canada. The next time one of those maple leaf loving sonsofbitches try to make me feel bad about being American, I’ve got a whole load of retorts locked and loaded. None better than “at least we didn’t cheat at soccer.”

Nik Curfman 9/27/23 Nik Curfman 9/27/23

Vol IV: #24 Rich Amid Crisis

Though I sat alone in my room, I did not feel alone. And though I do not have resources to travel home, offers of assistance poured in, should I need it. And in a moment like yesterday, after spending weeks mired in self-pity, I’m made suddenly aware of how rich I am, in love and life. And no amount of money can buy a healthy parental relationship or loyal friends.

The welcome clarity brought about by the urgency of death hit me yesterday. Suddenly, my economic and romantic states were no longer important, and everything petty fell away like the way the wind blows dead leaves off a tree. I reacted by texting all my praying friends, those who believe in miracles. And they responded as I knew they would. And then I feel to my knees like a child before bed and begged for my father’s life.

Today, that scene seems dramatic. Calm has replaced the chaos as tests and more test commence. The news of my father’s demise will have to wait for another day. And this is what it feels like to live in the aftermath of a miracle. Of course, he was going to be ok. But was he? What if I- and I assume other family members- didn’t pray and ask others to call down heaven? The modern western mind will say answer in the affirmative. Yes. He was fine. No need for alarm. In fact, no. He was not.

My dad’s entire life is a string of miracles and sideswipes at death. The fact that he made it to sixty-six years old is a testament to the good hand of God. And while I will be grieved the day death makes the final call, I will not be angry or bitter. I have loved my dad the best I know how. And I know he loves me. And I’m grateful to have had a good father-son relationship, the type craved by so many.

I’m also grateful to known and loved by my community of friends. Though I sat alone in my room, I did not feel alone. And though I do not have resources to travel home, offers of assistance poured in, should I need it. And in a moment like yesterday, after spending weeks mired in self-pity, I’m made suddenly aware of how rich I am, in love and life. And no amount of money can buy a healthy parental relationship or loyal friends.

Nik Curfman 8/22/23 Nik Curfman 8/22/23

Vol IV: #11 Growth Of My Desires

At near 43, I want time and opportunity. I’m done with the dreams of a child, no longer hate myself, and learned to be grateful in every season. My life is good and I’m thankful for each second and every hour I have to sit and type and dive deeper into the Lord made me to be. It’s not something I’d trade to rich or publicly lauded.

When I was young, I wanted fame and money. That’s what being a football coach would give me. The prospect was enticing. And even when I set aside my dream of being a head coach, I kept the desire for fame and money- fame to affirm my manhood and money to buy peace and stability- though I wouldn’t admit it.

By my late 20’s, I was full of shame and tried to prove my goodness to everyone around me. Outwardly, I was generous and accommodating. For a time, I worked for a charity based in the coal fields of West Virginia. Like all humans, my motivations were a mix of need and want. And I admit now, one of my goals was to prove I my holiness.

In my early 30’s, I doubled down on self-hatred. And had you asked “Nik, what’s one thing you wish you could take back?” I’d answer, “I wish I could stop myself from using credit cards and watching porn.” Sounds good and noble. The desire to avoid pain and fix old sins is normal. But this is the response of a man focused on his sins, who viewed his life as series of failures. And now, I have no regrets, no sins I hold against myself. Why should I? If the Lord forgave me, who am I to overthrow Him?

Nik Curfman 8/21/23 Nik Curfman 8/21/23

Abstract: August Rain

A poem, about the gifts a hurricane brings to Northern California.

When you plan your day to avoid a blasting sun,

dust covers your legs after a short walk,

and your skin is beaten red,

You welcome Hilary with open arms and a smile.

You laugh at her dark clouds and rejoice in the return of puddles,

having not seen one since June.

I pray she gives the fire fighters a hand before she leaves.

Nik Curfman 3/16/23 Nik Curfman 3/16/23

Vol III: #70 Ten and Five, A Look Back

I’m not the same man I was ten years ago or even five years ago. The Lord knew I needed to see that. And I need to be more gracious with myself, more hopeful and patient. Part of a poverty mind is an inability to plan and commit to a plan for longer than a weeks or months.

Today, I spent the early morning hours battling self-pity and doubt. My life felt ugly. I felt ugly. And I wondered how long I’d feel this way and was I destined to be alone? My life was supposed to be different, I was different. But you know what? All the talent and expectation doesn’t amount to shit when I see the same weakness creep through my habits and work.

These thoughts and feelings are, of course, a sack of lies. Effective lies, yes, but they are lies. (The most effective lies start with the truth and eventually introduce falsehood and judgement.) And I am often too slow to recognize this truth.

Fortunately, because of habit, I prayed and stared out my window as the sun began to peer over the eastern mountains. The Lord responded to my whimper: where were you five years ago? Ten years ago? And then I counted back five years to March of 2018 and ten years to March of 2013. This look back produced a new emotion and tamped out my self-pity.

Five years ago, I lived alone in a newly renovated studio apartment across the road from a park. I paid my bills by working odd jobs and most nights took advantage of the park by going for walks along the river trail. In that year I battled self-pity and pornography and used medical cannabis to help me sleep. My neighbors were mostly old and poor, living off whatever social security or disability checks afforded them. Later that year, I moved to San Francisco. I had no vision for my life. No purpose. But, I was hopeful.

June 8th, 2018 was an important day. I awoke to the news Anthony Bourdain had hung himself. As someone who struggled with suicidal thoughts and Anthony Bourdain fan, the news struck a nerve with me. He was a major influence on my cooking and opened doors to places and people long overlooked. I thought about all this as I laid in bed and scrolled through my phone. Then the Holy Spirit quietly but clearly whispered “It wasn’t the first attempt.” And I knew what He meant. I wasn’t suicidal in 2018 but I knew I could be, with the right combination of loneliness, failure, and self-pity. So I prayed and asked the Lord to show me how to defeat suicide. And He did.

Ten years ago feels like a lifetime ago. I shared a small brick house with my friend Blake and was finished my bachelors degree at UNCC. I spent my weekends singing karaoke and guzzling PBR tallboys. And I was lost and desperate. I lacked direction. My head was down and my spirit was low. To this point, in March of 2013, I briefly dated a woman named Jenn. She was tall and blonde and had her shit together. After a few conversations I decided to ghost the lady. She was prepared for her goals and future. I was a 33 year-old, broke, overweight college student with no prospects, confidence, or hope.

I know, I know. Ghosting someone is not ok. When I saw Jenn months later, she gave me the coldest shoulder ever. I knew, instantly, I f*ucked up. To be honest, how I handled Jenn was perfect example of my immaturity and hopeless outlook. A year after college and Jenn, I was in Redding, writing a new chapter.

When I look at my life compared to 2018 or 2013, the progress is apparent. I’m thankful to look back and observe the differences. What is truly exciting is knowing how intentional I am today compared to any other time in my life. I have purpose and a calling. I knew where I want to be. And I’ve established good habits. And yes, the progress is uneven. 'Tis the way it is. Even now, as I type, my mind is filled with concerns about my job and finances. And my age weighs on me, how will I ever find a woman? Should I stop planning for a family and start to approach life as though I’ll remain single?

Nik Curfman 2/23/23 Nik Curfman 2/23/23

Vol III: #66 The Beauty of Rare

Snow is more beautiful when it’s rare.

Snow is falling on Redding today, a year or more since the last snow. It’s a news worthy event for me and most residents. The snow is beautiful and calming, and causes only minor inconveniences to normal life. I think it’s good for something in life to variable and unpredictable, and best at sparse intervals. On a day like to day, I pull open the blinds of the biggest window we have and sit with my face toward the action. It’s fun to watch the snow fall and paint the trees behind our home. And I will enjoy it while it lasts. It’s beautiful.

Nik Curfman 2/6/23 Nik Curfman 2/6/23

Vol III: #60 Words

Everything good and possible starts with words.

Communication is a wonderful thing was the first thought in my waking mind early this morning. Then I pictured a few of our techniques like head nods, hand signals, and whistles. And then I thought about words, flowing, specific and meaningful words- even when the words themselves have no meaning. What a precious gift, to be able to talk and shout and sing. Of course, my favorite is the written word, the record of doing, feeling, and thinking. Yes, to write and speak is a blessing and miracle, to listen and understand, and by understanding connect, and through connection love, and with love be kind or generous, forgiving and patient.

Everything good and possible starts with words.

Nik Curfman 11/21/22 Nik Curfman 11/21/22

Vol III: #40 My Brother and Sister

This morning I thought about what I’m grateful for in my life. Whenever I do this, I make a list which begins with my parents and friends. And eventually, I include my brother and sister. As of 2022, I’m not particularly close to either of them, but I remain thankful for both (and their families.) They were my heroes as kids and both have shown me generosity as adults. I have to laugh when I think about how different we are from each other. We’ve lived very different lives and made vastly different choices. Given our differences and distance, I’m not sure a touchy, feel-good relationship is in the works, but who knows?

I love Thanksgiving. It’s my favorite holiday and is suited to my personality. I love that we have a day dedicated to gratitude and delicious food and enjoying a moment with loved ones. I also feel like people are more kind this time of year. More patient. Gratitude will do that to people- when we turn our focus from what’s wrong or offensive to what’s good and life-giving. (It’s a shame that atmosphere disappears the next day amongst the mad dash for stuff. I prefer if Christmas- another reason to be grateful- were more similar to Thanksgiving. No presents. Just good times and good vibes.)

Gratitude isn’t about perfection or what we deserve. Gratitude is a choice to look for what is good and honor it. Both my brother and sister have hurt and disappointed me. (As I have hurt and disappointed them.) But, neither intentionally hurt me. I recognize that. Each one has, in their way, tried to love me the best they can. I’m grateful for the attempts. For example, my brother buys me a Christmas gift every year because that’s how he loves me (even though I’m not a gift person.) And, my sister has admitted mistakes and apologized for some of her worst moments (despite the fact that she seem incapable of listening in the moment, better late than never.) This is what I mean when I say I appreciate the attempt. I refuse to let their worst bits be the standard of measure in my heart toward them. Gratitude empowers me to let go of my need to control the way they treat me. Each is a beautiful person in their own way: I’ll always admire my sister’s boldness and my brother’s work ethic. And I wish I had half of my sister’s charisma and all my brother’s grit.*

At this stage in our lives, I chose to cherish whatever moments we have together. And, I will hold onto the good times we shared. So, I will pray for them and their spouses and children, that they would have a fine Thanksgiving, one full of peace, joy, and good vibes.

Nik Curfman 9/19/22 Nik Curfman 9/19/22

Vol III: #16 Education and Testimonies

I’m reminded of when Paul says “if there is anything that is ·good [morally excellent] and worthy of praise, think about [focus your thoughts on; fill your minds with] these things.” Isn’t this what Paul meant? I know I’ve struggled to think “what is good.” But, it’s not that hard. I get to think about the time my knee needed major reconstruction surgery and then seemed to be healed. I get to be thankful for all the wonderful people that Lord put in my life. This is how we win at life, by focusing on what is and what was good.

When you read the books after Deuteronomy, you read a sad and repetitive history of the children of Israel. They are often violent and prone to worship other gods. Occasionally, a king will “follow in the way of his father David” but most were like Saul or Solomon. They did what was right in their own eyes and the so did the people. For this reason, we have a divided kingdom- Judah and Israel- with separate kings. And, this division almost certainly led their defeat and eventual exile.

Furthermore, I noticed scripture recounts “the promise made to Abraham” and the “exodus from Egypt” and other testimonies of the Lord’s faithfulness. And then today, I read 2 Kings 22 about “the lost book.” Most scholars assume it was part of Deuteronomy, but we can’t be sure. What we do know is King Josiah responded to the scripture with vigor. He knew Israel had long departed from the Way. He knew he was not taught to keep the Lord’s commandments. And so, he made it right. First Josiah repented to the Lord and then he tore down idols and smashed the high places.

For some reason, I find this story fascinating. I assumed all children were taught the Law and how to follow it. It’s easy to forget, education did not exist then as it does today. But still, I pictured a classroom with the Ten Commandments on the back wall, a stern headmaster, and little yeshiva students, tassels and curls neatly arranged, ready to study the Torah. I thought that’s what all Israelis did after they left Egypt. Apparently, not. People learned on the job and only what they needed to know. By the rule of Josiah, the average Israeli worshipped Baal because their parents worshipped Baal. They knew little of the Exodus or their Covenant with the Father. (And, consider that Josiah came 350 years after David. To put it into more perspective, 350 years ago from today is 1672!)

What’s important is the people the Lord called to be His own didn’t know who He was or what He wanted. They didn’t know their history or what the Covenant means. In this light, the bust/boom cycle of Israeli history is easy to understand. The question I have now is “how do I avoid the cycle?”

The answers seem obvious and light-hearted. The first is to read scripture. Check. The second answer to follow the Lord’s lead in my life. Check-for the most part. And finally, the last answer to recall the goodness of the Lord in my life. I never want to forget the blessings and gifts the Lord gives and has given to me, and to the people around me. In this way, the goodness and glory of the Father is always before me, in scripture, and my life.

I’m reminded of when Paul says “if there is anything that is ·good [morally excellent] and worthy of praise, think about [focus your thoughts on; fill your minds with] these things.” Isn’t this what Paul meant? I know I’ve struggled to think “what is good.” But, it’s not that hard. I get to think about the time my knee needed major reconstruction surgery and then seemed to be healed. I get to be thankful for all the wonderful people that Lord put in my life. This is how we win at life, by focusing on what is and what was good.

Nik Curfman 8/30/22 Nik Curfman 8/30/22

Vol III: #11 Happy Birthday To Me

I was able to appreciate yesterday because of what happened instead of what didn’t happen. And, I was grateful for every “Happy Birthday” text and chat. It’s a good way to spend a birthday.

Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I went to pray and did a bit of work but mostly chatted with friends or family. For dinner, I was invited over by the Nisly’s for miso soy meatballs and vanilla ice cream with oreo cookies. And toward the end of my visit, Kaiten Nisly asked,”What was your favorite moment from the last year of your life?” My mind whirled as I thought back to August 29th, 2021.

A year ago, I had lunch with a friend at a most excellent Korean restaurant. The chicken wings were crunchy and spicy and the beef noodle soup was rich and layered with flavor. A few days later, I began school at BSSM which brought a slate of new friends. After Christmas, COVID got me, twice. Then, I traveled over the summer and now I’m here writing this blog. My 42nd year of life was, by my standard, eventful and important. In the attempt to answer my friend, I was unable to find a memory more grand than all others. Contrary to these thoughts, my mind continued.

The answer to the question became more obvious once I settled on it. My favorite moment isn’t a specific time or place but a change. I’m more grateful and hopeful than ever. And, I see it when I’m able to appreciate and enjoy a moment as it’s happening. My thoughts have also changed, from searching for flaws and critiques to looking to discover what’s good and life-giving.

I was able to appreciate yesterday because of what happened instead of what didn’t happen. And, I was grateful for every “Happy Birthday” text and chat. It’s a good way to spend a birthday.

Nik Curfman 4/24/22 Nik Curfman 4/24/22

Vol II: #65 My Favorite Moments (Final Bethel Thoughts 3/3)

I don’t know which of these relationships will turn into lifelong friendships. How could I? Every friendship must endure silences, distance, and misunderstandings. My hope is to be able to maintain 2-3 friendships from time at BSSM. Anything more will be a bonus. Regardless of the outcome, the people I met are amazing and I’m blessed to have met them, to walk with them, and know their stories. God is Good.

My favorite part of any endeavor is always going to be the new people I meet. BSSM was no different.

I knew Bethel had a strong international presence but I got to experience it in person. My class has people from Canada, Mexico, El Salvador, Guatemala, Panama, Colombia, Venezuela, Brazil, Ecuador, Peru, Chile, Argentina, England, Ireland, Wales, Scotland, France, Netherlands, Belgium, Germany, Switzerland, Italy, Austria, Poland, Romania, Bulgaria. Russia, Ukraine, India, Nepal, Pakistan, China, Taiwan, Singapore, Indonesia, Malaysia, Zimbabwe, South Africa, Spain, New Zealand, Australia, Hong Kong, Sweden, Norway, Finland, and more I don’t know. My public university wasn’t this diverse.

What I find most admirable and encouraging is the faith these international students exhibit on a daily basis. None of them have permission to work because BSSM is not an accredited school according the US Government. Therefore, all of these people spend the entire year living on faith, often with limited funds and no transportation. Despite all the obstacles- costs, regulations, paperwork, etc- they persist.

Of course, I enjoy the opportunity to know these lovely people. I love their stories and what their BSSM experience is. Each of them have a unique take on Bethel and America i.e. Bethel is very encouraging to them but why is our healthcare so expensive? And, they have to overcome subtle hurdles I do not. For example, most of these students do not understand the cultural references made by our very American baby-boomer leaders. I had to explain what Star Trek and Dr. Spock when Kris Vallaton said “don’t be like Spock.” (Heck, most of the Gen Z Americans in their late teens didn’t get the reference either.)

In the same vein of meeting new people, my assigned mentor- Jonathon- was amazing. He was my shelter and guide through the year. Regardless of how angry or hurt I was, he constantly pointed me toward the Holy Spirit and never made me feel like an ass. Just as useful, Jonathan and I could talk about almost anything. I went into BSSM with low expectations for my mentor- due to what I heard from previous graduate- but JP was the opposite. The Lord is good and Jonathon was one of His gifts for me.

Nik Curfman 3/19/22 Nik Curfman 3/19/22

Vol II: #57 Word Of Our Testimony

My blog is also a gift to myself. It’s worth attending to as part of my life and self-expression. When I began to write in July of 2020, I didn’t know I would labor and love this process as much as I do. And, I’m thankful it’s what the Lord told me to do. He knows me better than I know myself, so whatever He wills for me is better than my will for me. This blog is a record to prove that point.

This week felt like a storm. At times, it raged and blew and I was covered in darkness. And still, in other moments, my week was refreshing and a welcome break from the norm. One particular highlight I will share is time I took to read though some old blog posts. The Lord is good to me all the time- when I’m stubborn and unkind, when I’m proud or insecure, and when I’m content and grateful. He is a wonderful cliche.

What I’m most grateful for is how this blog became a living document of my walk with the Lord. It’s ugly and beautiful, sometimes well written, and occasionally arrogant. It’s honest and admittedly in need of editing. And yes, I want to pull down a few posts- mainly to protect myself. But I won’t. Walk In The Woods is my testimony, which has power. Who will access this power? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just for me. The Lord knows I need reminding of who He is and what we’ve done together.

“And they overcame him because of the blood of the Lamb and because of the word of their testimony, and they did not love their life even when faced with death.”
- Revelation 12:11 NASB