Vol III: #70 Ten and Five, A Look Back
Today, I spent the early morning hours battling self-pity and doubt. My life felt ugly. I felt ugly. And I wondered how long I’d feel this way and was I destined to be alone? My life was supposed to be different, I was different. But you know what? All the talent and expectation doesn’t amount to shit when I see the same weakness creep through my habits and work.
These thoughts and feelings are, of course, a sack of lies. Effective lies, yes, but they are lies. (The most effective lies start with the truth and eventually introduce falsehood and judgement.) And I am often too slow to recognize this truth.
Fortunately, because of habit, I prayed and stared out my window as the sun began to peer over the eastern mountains. The Lord responded to my whimper: where were you five years ago? Ten years ago? And then I counted back five years to March of 2018 and ten years to March of 2013. This look back produced a new emotion and tamped out my self-pity.
Five years ago, I lived alone in a newly renovated studio apartment across the road from a park. I paid my bills by working odd jobs and most nights took advantage of the park by going for walks along the river trail. In that year I battled self-pity and pornography and used medical cannabis to help me sleep. My neighbors were mostly old and poor, living off whatever social security or disability checks afforded them. Later that year, I moved to San Francisco. I had no vision for my life. No purpose. But, I was hopeful.
June 8th, 2018 was an important day. I awoke to the news Anthony Bourdain had hung himself. As someone who struggled with suicidal thoughts and Anthony Bourdain fan, the news struck a nerve with me. He was a major influence on my cooking and opened doors to places and people long overlooked. I thought about all this as I laid in bed and scrolled through my phone. Then the Holy Spirit quietly but clearly whispered “It wasn’t the first attempt.” And I knew what He meant. I wasn’t suicidal in 2018 but I knew I could be, with the right combination of loneliness, failure, and self-pity. So I prayed and asked the Lord to show me how to defeat suicide. And He did.
Ten years ago feels like a lifetime ago. I shared a small brick house with my friend Blake and was finished my bachelors degree at UNCC. I spent my weekends singing karaoke and guzzling PBR tallboys. And I was lost and desperate. I lacked direction. My head was down and my spirit was low. To this point, in March of 2013, I briefly dated a woman named Jenn. She was tall and blonde and had her shit together. After a few conversations I decided to ghost the lady. She was prepared for her goals and future. I was a 33 year-old, broke, overweight college student with no prospects, confidence, or hope.
I know, I know. Ghosting someone is not ok. When I saw Jenn months later, she gave me the coldest shoulder ever. I knew, instantly, I f*ucked up. To be honest, how I handled Jenn was perfect example of my immaturity and hopeless outlook. A year after college and Jenn, I was in Redding, writing a new chapter.
When I look at my life compared to 2018 or 2013, the progress is apparent. I’m thankful to look back and observe the differences. What is truly exciting is knowing how intentional I am today compared to any other time in my life. I have purpose and a calling. I knew where I want to be. And I’ve established good habits. And yes, the progress is uneven. 'Tis the way it is. Even now, as I type, my mind is filled with concerns about my job and finances. And my age weighs on me, how will I ever find a woman? Should I stop planning for a family and start to approach life as though I’ll remain single?
I’m not the same man I was ten years ago or even five years ago. The Lord knew I needed to see that. And I need to be more gracious with myself, more hopeful and patient. Part of a poverty mind is an inability to plan and commit to a plan for longer than a weeks or months.
