Vol IV: #11 Growth Of My Desires
When I was young, I wanted fame and money. That’s what being a football coach would give me. The prospect was enticing. And even when I set aside my dream of being a head coach, I kept the desire for fame and money- fame to affirm my manhood and money to buy peace and stability- though I wouldn’t admit it.
By my late 20’s, I was full of shame and tried to prove my goodness to everyone around me. Outwardly, I was generous and accommodating. For a time, I worked for a charity based in the coal fields of West Virginia. Like all humans, my motivations were a mix of need and want. And I admit now, one of my goals was to prove I my holiness.
In my early 30’s, I doubled down on self-hatred. And had you asked “Nik, what’s one thing you wish you could take back?” I’d answer, “I wish I could stop myself from using credit cards and watching porn.” Sounds good and noble. The desire to avoid pain and fix old sins is normal. But this is the response of a man focused on his sins, who viewed his life as series of failures. And now, I have no regrets, no sins I hold against myself. Why should I? If the Lord forgave me, who am I to overthrow Him?
At near 43, I want time and opportunity. I’m done with the dreams of a child, no longer hate myself, and learned to be grateful in every season. My life is good and I’m thankful for each second and every hour I have to sit and type and dive deeper into the Lord made me to be. It’s not something I’d trade to rich or publicly lauded.
