Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 8/22/23 Nik Curfman 8/22/23

Vol IV: #11 Growth Of My Desires

At near 43, I want time and opportunity. I’m done with the dreams of a child, no longer hate myself, and learned to be grateful in every season. My life is good and I’m thankful for each second and every hour I have to sit and type and dive deeper into the Lord made me to be. It’s not something I’d trade to rich or publicly lauded.

When I was young, I wanted fame and money. That’s what being a football coach would give me. The prospect was enticing. And even when I set aside my dream of being a head coach, I kept the desire for fame and money- fame to affirm my manhood and money to buy peace and stability- though I wouldn’t admit it.

By my late 20’s, I was full of shame and tried to prove my goodness to everyone around me. Outwardly, I was generous and accommodating. For a time, I worked for a charity based in the coal fields of West Virginia. Like all humans, my motivations were a mix of need and want. And I admit now, one of my goals was to prove I my holiness.

In my early 30’s, I doubled down on self-hatred. And had you asked “Nik, what’s one thing you wish you could take back?” I’d answer, “I wish I could stop myself from using credit cards and watching porn.” Sounds good and noble. The desire to avoid pain and fix old sins is normal. But this is the response of a man focused on his sins, who viewed his life as series of failures. And now, I have no regrets, no sins I hold against myself. Why should I? If the Lord forgave me, who am I to overthrow Him?

Nik Curfman 9/5/21 Nik Curfman 9/5/21

Vol II: #23 Dressing Old Wounds

This is my moment to mature, to accept the annoying imperfections of the school and its leadership. Once I clear that hurdle, it’s smooth sailing, right? *wink* Of course, no. But, I’m ready to move beyond my hurt, even if Christian leadership is stuck in the 1800s. #jesuswouldgetthevaccine

I was taught- by well-intentioned folks- to value my intellect and experience. As a result of these lessons, I never questioned my mental ability or lacked trust in my perceptions. These are, in fact, helpful lessons to learn. I must undo the trap I create when I cast my weight behind a singular thought or emotion. For example, I am not now a “piece of shit.” There were times in my life when this thought lived in my mind. Fortunately, most people who know me agree- I am awesome. (Though a few people would say, “Nik is a piece of shit,” with good reason.)

My current hurdle is my intellect because I can think myself into a hole with ease. Stress only adds fuel to this fire, and I am under some strain due to all the recent changes in my life. Most people are like this- when we feel threatened, we fight (or fly away.) I’m currently in a fighting mood- mentally arguing with friends, ex-business partners, and old girlfriends. It’s a sign I’m anxious and need to repent.

Repent? Yes, repent. Repentance is not a solemn process of self-condemnation or holy shame. It’s more simple and gracious than that. Repentance means to change thinking or perception. Usually, we apply this to sins, but all sin starts in the heart. All sin starts as a fallen thought, belief, or feeling. When the Lord came to Cain, He addressed Cain’s fallen attitude and thoughts. Right? He didn’t say, “don’t sin.” He asked, “why are you upset?” Sin and destruction always start in our minds, usually when we feel threatened, abused, or unappreciated. I prefer to address my fallen thoughts and emotions before they descend into shitty actions.

This is a moment for me to be honest, to express my concerns with going back to ministry school. From this perch, the appropriate question is: why do I feel threatened? It’s a question I don’t want to answer because it comes from a 21-year-old man/boy who was let down by people he admired. I expect to be treated poorly by leadership in the church- is there any other kind? Yes, there is. All leadership is imperfect regardless of the arena.

This is my moment to mature, to accept the annoying imperfections of the school and its leadership. Once I clear that hurdle, it’s smooth sailing, right? *wink* Of course, no. But, I’m ready to move beyond my hurt, even if Christian leadership is stuck in the 1800s. #jesuswouldgetthevaccine

Nik Curfman 8/16/21 Nik Curfman 8/16/21

Vol II: #16 Monday Musings

I’m in a writing rut, and I don’t know what to do next. As of now, my posts are little more than a public diary, and this blog needs to evolve beyond being a place for my thoughts and emotions. Does anyone outside of my family or close friends need to or care to know about my day-to-day well-being? Probably not.

I have plenty to explore and dissect about my life- on Wednesday, I will write about “settling” in my romantic relationships. I hate the word settle in regards to relationships. It implies one person is beneath another and a judgmental statement made by those trying to justify their fears. Again, I’ll dive into it Wednesday. And certainly, I have a plethora of material, so I’m not worried about content.

What bothers me is how I write and my style. I write like I talk, for the most part, which isn’t conducive to great writing. I want to tell engaging stories, the kind people share with their friends. And, I know I’ve got to write a load of bad stories first. Perhaps, that’s where I am today- a bad storyteller. At least, I’m writing stories.

I do love my new writing schedule. Alternating longer posts with poems lightened the load from last year, as does a mandatory day off each week. My weekends are no longer stressful, which is nice.

See you Wednesday.

Nik Curfman 2/15/21 Nik Curfman 2/15/21

Journal: #207 Face The Wall PT 1.

I want to add, this is more than blocking out public perception. It’s about finding my voice with the Lord. It’s a conversation, and I don’t care what comes of it. If I forever write and sculpt without any mass appeal, so be it. I will write and sculpt.

The first time I heard the phrase “face[ing] the wall” was in my early twenties. It was a from an older student at ministry school, and he was referring to the journey of Don Potter. It was Don who after being a long time studio musician, the Lord told to play to the worship to a wall- to perform to no one but Him.

When I first heard the story 20 years ago, I thought “Don must’ve been real arrogant.” I don’t think that any more. Who am I to judge? More over, I get it. The ability to toil in empty rooms is a blessing, not a curse. The curse comes when the approval of others means more than the approval of the Lord.

Taylor Swift is an excellent example of someone who lives with the curse. In the documentary Miss Americana she explained how awards and public opinion were her feedback loop. When it turned against her, she fell into a deep hole. (I wrote about it two weeks ago, because I know that hell as well. I get bummed when I post a new poem and it only receives a handful of likes.)

The last week or so, the Lord has continued to tell me He doesn’t keep score. My life isn’t a series of accomplishments or stats. Life isn’t the stock market. The Father loves and stays focused on our hearts. He’s the goofy dad on the sidelines, and proud parent who decorates his cubicle with every shitty stick figure drawing His kids make.

He’s that dude.

I recently began to let go of numbers and the corresponding value I place upon them. For instance, I have not looked at my blog analytics (how many website visitors to this site, what pages they read, etc) since last week. Who knows who’s reading my posts or how often? I don’t. It’s nice.

But first, I need to get all the judges and past voices out of my heart, and let the Lord fill it. That’s where I am on February 16th, 2021. We’ll see what tomorrow brings.

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Nik Curfman 2/2/21 Nik Curfman 2/2/21

Journal: #194 Old Poet Young at Heart

I’ve got plenty of growing to do, with plenty of writing, editing, and frustrations to come. The goal is to be an old poet young at heart. The goal is to be 90 and still have a voice worth using.

I watched the Netflix special Miss Americana about Taylor Swift today. Why? I don’t know. I wouldn’t say I’m a fan of her music, but I have a few of her songs committed to memory. Perhaps, I like her career arc.

Taylor Swift is Human

Taylor Swift was and is a human who wanted to sing songs for people, which propelled her to the top of the music world. With all that fame, expectation and money she was bound to make mistakes and have her share of haters. From my corner of Redding, that’s my view of it. When she started strumming her guitar, there’s no way anyone knew what would come next.

though Different I Can Relate

Let’s get the hilariousness out of the way. No. I don’t share a lot commonalities with a major pop star. Practically zero. What fascinated me were two parts of Ms Swift’s history. First, she is- or was- an epic people pleaser. And two, she wrote 150 songs by the time she was 15.

Of anything about Taylor Swift, I can relate to the people pleaser. I can relate to the desperate need for praise and affirmation, because I was unable to believe in me. Whatever anyone thinks about the woman, it’s obvious she fought for herself. I respect her ability to admit her neediness.

When she spoke about her legendary songwriting I was floored. 150 songs? By 15? Good Lord. How incredible is that? It gave me hope.

Hope in My Storms

The sun came out for the day in Redding. I took the opportunity to go for a morning stroll to soak in the fresh rays. As will happen this time of year, some heavy clouds lay off to the south. It created a very dramatic scene of dark ominous clouds and glorious sunshine.

Instantly, my heart began to weave a narrative about the storm clouds and the beautiful sun. When I got home, I typed out the lines to my last poem Sunshine and the Storm. It’s messy and needs revised but something about it struck a cord with me.

Well that Sucked

In my delight, I posted my poem to Instagram. Six hours later, its garnered a handful of likes and few encouraging comments. I hoped for more. That’s the shitty thing about writing. It’s subjective, and posting to Instagram is hardly a great platform for it. And, I’m not brilliant as I’d like to be.

So, I was feeling a bit down until I watched Ms Swift tell her story. The real nugget is she worked on her craft for years, even as a child, before she ever stepped on a stage. She was a young star, but an old songwriter. I’m a young writer, but a middle-aged man. That’s a strength too.

Goal: Be an Old Poet, Young at Heart

I’ve got plenty of growing to do, with plenty of writing, editing, and frustrations to come. The goal is to be an old poet young at heart. The goal is to be 90 and still have a voice worth using.

The trail I decided to hike is long, and today it felt a little longer. Nonetheless, I’m in it. There’s no turning back. I’m gonna write and blog and never stop.

*(Documentaries are not documentaries any more. They are marketing films. Miss Americana is Taylor Swift’s version of her life, what she wants us to know. It’s basically an 85 minutes commercial.)

Thank you Lord for the bright sun and gloomy clouds. Thank you for pop stars, and the opportunity to completely turn my life in the direction I needed to go. Your grace and kindness sustain me. It’s awesome. Thank you.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/14/21 Nik Curfman 1/14/21

Journal: #175 Favorite Moments of 2020: Grace and Patience

The difference between me in January of 2021 and a year ago is the grace and kindness of the Lord. I don’t have to be perfect or punish myself when I’m wrong. And the further I look down the road, the better my decisions become. Patience and grace are gifts of love from Him to me.

This post is second of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, #4 Discovering Myself here, and #3 Learning to Love Myself here.

It would be an understatement to say I learned about grace and patience in 2020. Entering 2020, I had some patience- the kind of patience you have for a crying child or waiting in line. I did not have long-term life patience. Whatever I wanted had to happen the moment I wanted it, or it was never going to happen. As for grace, I didn’t have a clue. I do now.

Learning From the Kids

In 2020, I was introduced to a number of “kids.” I call them kids because they were all mostly ten years(or more) younger than me. Through them I was encouraged and challenged, but also assured. I see them make the same mistakes and fall into the same traps I did.

It’s hard to watch them stumble through pain and insecurity, impatience, and fear. I want to shake them by the shoulders and scream until they shut up. They haven’t yet given themselves into the hands of the Lord. In that tension, one foot in Him and the other in man, they will never find contentment or peace.

But I can’t be that guy, the “all-knowing” douche bag. For starters, if I had my shit together I’d be “farther along” than I am. Right? Wrong.

Enter, grace and patience.

Grace Is Unearned Favor

I am blessed to befriend these younger versions of me. I get to walk with them, and they are not my responsibility. Some mistakes need to be made, like a hand on a hot stove. And when the door is opened, I will share what I have to give. It’s the best of both worlds.

I know now, grace is always flowing and available to me. I’m the one with my hand on the knob. I decide whether or not I’m going to allow the Lord to be Himself in my life.

Grace is about possibilities and redemption of lost opportunities. I’ve seen it over and over the last year, in my life and the lives of my friends. Perfection is not I requirement for those in Christ Jesus. Pursuit is. I’ll give you an example.

As I write this blog post, the marketing company I work for stands posed to land a huge contract. In a real literal sense, I am not qualified to do the job they are asking me to do. I am not as knowledgeable or experienced as others in the marketing world. But, I am wildly creative in that space, and they recognize the intangibles I bring to the team. I think like an owner and connect like details back to the big picture. I can manage production teams and meet with clients. And, I’m creative.

When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I don’t think I can meet the challenge. Of my own strength and track record, I shouldn’t be in this situation. Yet, I will not let go the opportunity in front of me. I don’t have to be perfect or have all the answers. This is a fantastic moment to grow.

Of course, I’ll have to bust my ass, but that’s a given. I’m here for it. In my past, I’d run from a moment like this, or figure out a way to sabotage it. Not today. I’ve got favor on my life and I will honor it.

Patience Is Life-Sustaining

Whatever hurdles come and trap I find, that’s when patience shines. Patience isn’t a magical power to endure. It’s vision to know this slice of time is temporary. That’s the goodness of time. It passes. Thankfully nothing last forever, and if we keep a heart of gratitude we will experience the fullness of joy in each moment.

To be more specific, patience is long-term vision. It’s the ability to sacrifice current comfort and perfection for the long gain. This is what the Father does with us. He’s not concerned with this moment, and yet His hand is moving us along all the same. He knows the outcome, so the score doesn’t matter.

To us, the score matters. We look up at the scoreboard and fret when we think we are behind. Jesus has ice water in his veins. There’s no rush in His voice, no hurry to His pace. He is patient, because He plays a different game.

It’s the game I’m trying to play. Grace is the aggressive offense. It takes chances and doesn’t flinch when it fails. Patience is the relentless defense. Sure, battles will be lost and suffering will come. Just play the next play. The best any of us can do is forget what happened and move forward. The past is not the future.

For twenty years, the Lord built His case for me. He slowly and consistently guided me until last year, when I was able to see it. That’s the definition of patience. I thought about it last night. The Lord is never curt with me or frustrated. His voice is always kind and encouraging. I can’t make that up. I’m often unkind and impatient with myself, but not Him.

They enabled me to face some of the most difficult moments in my life without shame or embarrassment. And they light my path when my head starts to sink. I am loved and worthy of love. The Lord loves me without logic or end.

I couldn’t be more grateful for it.

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Nik Curfman 1/12/21 Nik Curfman 1/12/21

Journal: #173 Favorite Moments of 2020: Self-Care

What I can do is continue do love myself everyday. So I’ll keep going on my walks, praying and singing to the Lord, writing blog posts, and distancing myself from people who seek to become anchors around my ass. One way or another, I’m going to live and enjoy my life. It’s a gift from God, and I will treat it as such.

This post is third of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, #5 Growing in Gratitude here, and #4 Discovering Myself here.

Learning From Disaster

The conviction to love myself sunk into my chest on a tear-filled Friday afternoon. It was on that day I finally understood there was a part of my heart designed for me- a part of my soul only I can love and service. I’ve got to serve me as I would anyone else.

On that day, my undiagnosable stomach ailment had returned, the woman I loved was losing her battle with anxiety, and my business partner had grown distant in anticipation of our split. Unable to work, I went home and sobbed into the carpet before the Lord. I tried everything I knew to avoid this pain, but it came all the same.

Stop Ignoring Me

I believe the break-up and business split would’ve happened regardless of what I said or did. Ironically, I was on both sides of each parting. My heart was in one venture, but not in the other. What I did not do well was handle the stress and strain. I didn’t care for myself through the fire, and nearly burnt out…again.

In this place, I turned to the Lord and finally laid down the last bit of control I held. For 40 years, I’ve tried to be all the things, and now I was broken. Really broken, mind, body, and spirit.

Alright Lord, let’s do this your way. Forever.

Message From Jesus: Love Thyself

What’s amazing about that moment is the Lord turned it back on me. He told me to do what’s in my heart to do, and love myself. How awesome is that? The Holy Spirit didn’t command me to scale a mountain or get a thousand people saved. It said “be you.”

Since that afternoon in late May, I’ve learned what it means to love Nik. It looks like long walks and saying no to abusive relationships. It’s taking time to rest when my body hurts and my emotions are raw. Most importantly, it is making time every day to love and run after Jesus, to pray, to cry, and praise Him for the life He’s granted me.

This Moment Was in the Works

I can see in retrospect I’ve been on this path for the last 4-5 years. I’ve learned to love being in nature. My first trip to the Redwoods made my heart come alive as I drank in the landscape of giant trees, winding streams, and mist. During the COVID quarantine I went on a lot of walks, usually with Ms C. Even without her, I found a peace and glory in just moving through the world outside of the shelters we create.

And, I finally found the inner strength to let go of toxic relationships. I wasn’t aware of the amount of stress I carried because of the power I gave to certain voices in my life. And now that they are gone, my stress level is much lower. The lack of shitty voices also created a space for new people to shine. This is the glory of God too.

Jesus Loved and Valued Himself

The world tells us we must tolerate the bullshit people fling at us. It’s not true. Jesus was not a passive doormat. He challenged his followers, questioned His mother, and refused to conform to the norms.

No. I don’t see Jesus as some crazed, aggressive rebel as some posit Him to be. He also wept over Lazarus, felt compassion on the poor and down-hearted, and made time for the children. He preached of an eternal loving Father, grace for all, and hope for the hopeless.

If I Want To Live, I Gotta Love

None of us can stand in the place of our calling without strength, hope, and faith. And those of us who dare to threaten hell will be tested and attacked. One way to combat this is in the daily service of our physical bodies, our minds, and our hearts. This is why Jesus slept and often went away into the wilderness.

Yes. I plan and aim to be a mighty man of the Lord, whatever it looks like. I will expand the Kingdom and push the darkness back. I can’t do that if I’m full of fear, constantly worried what people will think, or unable to care for myself.

Love Is A Daily Habit

Last year was painful at times, and I expect to have more pain in the future. If I love a woman and she can’t or doesn’t want to love me back, there’s nothing I can do about it. If someone I partner with decides to go a different way or default on our agreement, there’s not much I can do but bleed and heal.

That’s life.

What a gracious moment in the middle of a storm. To feel the conviction of what “love thyself” truly means and see what it is. Thank you Lord for this kindness. It came without guilt or sadness, and in a moment when my ears were open.

Thank you Lord. Your rebuke is truly better than secret love. It is not condemnation but a call to a higher level of life in You.

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Nik Curfman 1/8/21 Nik Curfman 1/8/21

Journal: #169 Favorite Moments of 2020: Loving Who I Am

In 2020, I learned I can no longer ignore myself. I must love who I am and respect the desires of my heart. It means I’ve got to run after what I buried…and trust the Lord. I am enough. What I want and who I am is enough.

This post is fourth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, #6 Walking Away From BBQ here, and #5 Growing in Gratitude here.

I’m one of the lucky ones, blessed if you will. Beginning in April of 2020, I was given the opportunity to explore my heart. Ignoring my heart, my soul, my being has only led to pain and suffering. On this occasion I was ready to let it be what it is, not what I think it should be.

I want to explain this process was not and is not easy. The examination of my inner being, what gives me life, where I find joy and wonder, is a scary. Yet, as I write, I am aware of a deeper more intimidating task.

It’s one thing to say what we want or who are. It’s another to guard and protect it, to nourish and feed it, to love ourselves the way we love others. This is the riskiest gambit of all. What if I fail at being me? What if my heart and soul tricked me? And, I will be poor and alone forever?

Therein lay the biggest lie: what I am, who I am, what I want isn’t good enough. But, good enough for what? For who? So now, for the first time I will admit something. I’ve been so scared of being a poor husband and father I judged all of my life choices and desires through this lens. The choices I made in life from trying to lose weight to becoming a partner in a BBQ business were for them.

The desires in my heart- to love people, to write, to sculpt, to invest- weren’t good enough. I’d never make enough money to support them the way I being myself. So….I’ve got to be someone else.

This blog is more than just a blog, is an enduring demonstration of self-love. Every day I write and post is a moment I choose to love me, to feed my heart, and be who I am. Some days are more rewarding than others, and some more difficult. Regardless of the result, I never regret this space. Regardless of how many people read my words, I will continue to write. And no matter what any woman thinks, I won’t stop.

I still have to learn a lot about what it means to love myself and serve my heart. It’s easy to slip into old patterns of fear, to put off the scary and intimidating. But, I will not relent or make excuses. Gains will be made followed by the occasion step back. I’m ok with that.

Above all, learning to love myself includes being kind and gracious with me. It’s ok when I fail and the world seems to weigh heavier than normal. It’s ok when my future seems like a long way off. And it’s definitely ok that I’m not perfect.

I love me, my brain, my heart, and my constant belief in good of each human. I love my heart for God and His presence, and delicious food. And, I really love my ability to continue on through pain and disappointment.

2020 gave me the opportunity to love and appreciate me, and face my fears. How great is that?

Here is short form list of a few more aspects of who I am:

I am more risk tolerant than most. An individual’s ability to handle risk, to live in uncertainty, face the possibility of loss or pain depends on the person. In the last ten years alone, I moved around the country, held various jobs in various fields, and met a lot of people. And the older I get the more effort I put into life. I don’t mind change or think failure is the end.
I don’t love sports, but they are ok. I was once a massive sports fan, not any more. I didn’t miss basketball or baseball when they were cancelled last spring. But, this fall, I found myself enjoying college football in a detached way. I think i could learn to be a super casual sports fan.
Being a foodie is not part of my identity. For years, I ingratiated myself to people through food. I cooked for people and propped myself up as an expert. My knowledge and experience is vast, so it’s not a bad way to lead into a new relationship. It’s just not how I want to be seen and known. I love my creativity and compassion for people, and that’s how I want to be known.
I’d rather be outside than inside. Again, thank God for COVID. Without the distraction of sports, I got outside. I love it. I love walks and hikes, the clouds and sun. The progression of nature through each season is far more interesting than anything on TV. It’s slow and methodical, yet relentless.
My future is bright. One thing I love about myself is I am a fighter. I didn’t see it until this year, but I will not be a person “stuck in my ways.” I want to learn, to grow, to live better and love people more than I did a year ago. My growth is uneven and inconsistent, but it is trending in the right direction.

I’ll finish by repeating what I wrote in the introduction. My decision to listen to the Lord and allow Him to expose my heart was an incredible moment. I’m amazing and what’s in my heart is good. If that’s all I learned in 2020, that would be enough.

Lord, thank you. Thank you for exposing the lies that held me inside. Just as importantly, thank you for showing me the goodness you put inside me. That’s your DNA, the eternal Goodness. Forgive me for ignoring it until now. I want to make up for time lost. I know we will.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/6/20 Nik Curfman 12/6/20

Journal: #139 Faith For What?

Faith is a trust in the Holy One. Miracles are merely one way faith becomes visible. I’m alive only because God intervened. My life is a miracle. No one can see it the same way the would a new leg or arm, but it’s no less real.

I don’t want to limit God or Faith or what what a miracle is. Life and love exists in many forms, and I want it all.

I find it easy to see the blessings of God in my life as inevitable, which I find alarming. In response to this insecurity I begin to demand more from the Lord. More supernatural “stuff.” I want visions and miracles and angels and to walk on water. I’m a kid, and I feel insecure. What I’m really asking is for assurance from my Father.

I Want All The Things

This summer, for the first time in many years and seasons of life, I asked the Lord for more of Him. I want of all of it, whatever I can handle and what I can’t. Gimme all the love, grace, revelation, joy, vision, purpose, etc.

During the previous week, I asked the Lord to be God. I asked Him to work on my heart and heal parts of it only a real God can heal. He answered that prayer. Honestly. During the last 72 hours, I don’t feel overwhelmed by rejection and shame. I feel good.

Old Habits Must Die

As if on cue, today I started to question how good I felt. I began to question God. It stems from a long believed lie. What lie is that you ask? It’s this: God’s goodness depends on how I feel. In this case there is a twist. I know God is real and gracious in my pain, but where is He my success? Seems odd to me, but follow along.

The lie builds on itself. It says, if I feel good then God feels good about me. And, if God feels good about me, then I should walk in miracles and supernatural happenings. The big danger is when I reverse that line of thinking:

If miracles and supernatural happenings are not obviously present in my life, then something is wrong with me. Therefore, if I feel good, but no miracles, I’m in some kind of sin or deception. I must figure it out!

It’s another form of judgement and self-abuse. I gotta laugh at how ingrained these thoughts patterns and deceptions can be.

Growth Is Slow, But Good

I love this moment. The Lord is rooting out those things which caused pain to me and others. It’s a process, and I am submitted to it. I look forward to the days when I feel good and do not look for pain. I long for the days when judgement is not a part of my life.

The growth I’ve experienced in 2020 is incredible. Before this year, it would’ve been hard for me to find personal grace. Now, I love myself enough to relax, and I don’t beat myself up (for too long.) Isn’t this a miracle too? I am slowly developing my eyes to see myself and others the way the Lord does. I suspect it will be a while before I notice judgement is not part of my life, because I will not be looking for it.

Clearly, my blind spots exist, but that won’t keep me from running after Him. He’s healing me from the inside out. It’s good, and I am thankful. Faith is making space for God to be God, and He’s got the map. His view of growth and where Nik needs to be is different than the lies of comparison and judgment. I’m allowed to enjoy life and feel good about me.

I don’t want to limit God or Faith or what what a miracle is. Life and love exists in many forms, and I want it all.

Lord, thank you for your kindness and faithfulness. Thank you for honoring my prayers and tinkering with my heart, especially when I’m looking the other way. Keep it up. Thank you expanding my vision beyond what they were.

And touch my hurting and ailing friends and family. Carry away their sicknesses and cover them with joy.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/28/20 Nik Curfman 11/28/20

Journal: #131 Being Who I Am

My goal is to wave the rally flag at the top of the mountain and scream “Come on! YOU GOT THIS! Let’s. F*cking. Go!”

I was content when no one read my words, and I’ll be content now. Fear, be gone.

When I started typing words and posting posts on the internet, I wrote whatever I wanted. No one knew my blog existed. I was as raw and vulnerable (and sloppy) as I wanted to be. I didn’t care if I spent weeks discussing my break up or business failures. It’s easy to be honest to an empty room.

Last week I saw a noticeable uptick in visitors to Fearless Grit. The trend continued into this week. My audience is growing beyond my mom and good friend Jess. I’m nervous and worried about it.

Old Fears

I want to encourage the people who find this website. I want you to know how loved and amazing you are. That no matter what- no matter how hard life has hit or broken you feel- the Lord is on your side. He gives without measure or regret. I am a witness to this uncommon grace. It’s why I wrote How He Loves.

I’ve watched the Lord be miraculous and kind. People need to know it.

My insecurity stems from the same source fear I’ve always battled. Am I enough? Is what I write worth reading? In this moment I like to pull out my favorite tool: curiosity. What’s true? What does the Lord say about you? As a marketer, I know the answer to this question, which is nuanced. Most people will not find value in what I’m trying to do. But…a few will.

Answer The Questions

In the world of digital marketing, the goal is to provide people with useful and relevant content. It’s essential to know who you are and what value you offer to people. I know who I am, and what I what value I offer. (Check and check.)

I’m Nik, and I’ve failed, faced suicide, and brokenness. Over the last few years I moved from being a lost victim into a strong confident man. My target audience are fellow Christians who want more, who refuse to accept less, and who dare to live a life of aggressive faith in the Father.

My goal is to wave the rally flag at the top of the mountain and scream “Come on! YOU GOT THIS! Let’s. F*cking. Go!”

I was content when no one read my words, and I’ll be content now. Fear, be gone.

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Nik Curfman 11/21/20 Nik Curfman 11/21/20

Abstraction: The Trail Worth Taking

I stood at the base of mountain, in the shadow cast by the sun hidden by far the ridge.

My eyes wandered to the shining peak, then back to darkness around me.

Restlessly, my feet sank into the damp earth as I considered my options.

I stood at the base of mountain, in the shadow cast by the sun as it slid behind the ridge.

My eyes wandered to the shining peak, then back to the gloomy darkness around me.

Restlessly, my feet sank into the damp earth as I pondered my options.

The road I know is well worn, smooth from use, and crowded by those unwilling or unable to climber higher.

This avenue is forever wide and weary, but safe.

Then, I studied the mountain trail. It’s steep and rocky.

It narrow as it climbs, and the path looks harassed by the worst of weather.

Onward still, the Way seems to disappear behind sharp rocks, only to resurface miles away- to where the sun bakes those who dare travel there.

Despite all of the uncertainty and danger, I felt the call of the Mountain- to be brave.

“The journey is worth the strain,” she whispered.

“You will experience joy and see the world in glorious ways you could never imagine from the shadow.

Come to me.

Let Me love you.”

I thought about my options once more, the safe shadow or the treacherous mountain hike.

I mourned those I would leave behind.

This is not a group trek, each of us must decide for ourselves.

Humans can walk together, but we can never truly carry each other.

I want to behold the mystery of the mountain and believe in something greater than safety.

I want to live, and my best life will be climbing this mountain, not living in its shadow.

Decision made, I spot the trail head through the dawn.

It’s my time to go.

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Nik Curfman 10/3/20 Nik Curfman 10/3/20

DJ: #77 Looking Back Impedes Moving Forward

It is on me, a more seasoned and wise man, to develop the grace and humility to let them be immature. Immature is often a dirty word, but it doesn’t need be. We are all immature on one level or another, usually in multiple ways. It is the enemy who expects perfection, then condemns any other result as unworthy or unforgivable. But not the Lord, and as I aim to reflect to His loving kindness, I aim to be patient, tolerant, and kind.

This week I struggled with looking back, or rather, remembering people. For years, I wanted to save people from their mistakes and poor life choices. The desire served two divergent purposes. One, I genuinely love people. I want them to succeed and enjoy life. This is the best part of my heart. Two, my biggest hurdle is a need for validation. So often my attempts to love people were intertwined with my insecurities- secretly I wanted to be recognized while denying the need existed.

In July, the Lord asked me to love the people around me- my friends and family- the best I can. “The best I can” includes a healthy disconnect from each person. What I can add to a life is finite. I am not God or the Holy Spirit. I do not know what is best for anyone. Despite those limitations, I can love them and be a source of hope and grace.

Today, I finally unearthed my old demand for validation. I realized I wanted reassuring feedback from people who are struggling. What a bad setup. What a terrible burden to place on them. In all fairness, each of these people are growing and trying to figure life out. They will make mistakes and let me down. That’s life.

Paul asked the Ephesians to do as much:

I urge you to live in a manner worthy of the call you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another through love, striving to preserve the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace: one body and one Spirit, as you were also called to the one hope of your call; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Ephesians 4:1-6

It is my great honor to love the people around me, and receive from them whatever they have to give. I have the opportunity to watch them grow and walk in the fullness of their callings and personhood. (The greater honor is the latter. To watch someone become who they are is one of the great delights on my life.)