Vol II: #23 Dressing Old Wounds
I was taught- by well-intentioned folks- to value my intellect and experience. As a result of these lessons, I never questioned my mental ability or lacked trust in my perceptions. These are, in fact, helpful lessons to learn. I must undo the trap I create when I cast my weight behind a singular thought or emotion. For example, I am not now a “piece of shit.” There were times in my life when this thought lived in my mind. Fortunately, most people who know me agree- I am awesome. (Though a few people would say, “Nik is a piece of shit,” with good reason.)
My current hurdle is my intellect because I can think myself into a hole with ease. Stress only adds fuel to this fire, and I am under some strain due to all the recent changes in my life. Most people are like this- when we feel threatened, we fight (or fly away.) I’m currently in a fighting mood- mentally arguing with friends, ex-business partners, and old girlfriends. It’s a sign I’m anxious and need to repent.
Repent? Yes, repent. Repentance is not a solemn process of self-condemnation or holy shame. It’s more simple and gracious than that. Repentance means to change thinking or perception. Usually, we apply this to sins, but all sin starts in the heart. All sin starts as a fallen thought, belief, or feeling. When the Lord came to Cain, He addressed Cain’s fallen attitude and thoughts. Right? He didn’t say, “don’t sin.” He asked, “why are you upset?” Sin and destruction always start in our minds, usually when we feel threatened, abused, or unappreciated. I prefer to address my fallen thoughts and emotions before they descend into shitty actions.
This is a moment for me to be honest, to express my concerns with going back to ministry school. From this perch, the appropriate question is: why do I feel threatened? It’s a question I don’t want to answer because it comes from a 21-year-old man/boy who was let down by people he admired. I expect to be treated poorly by leadership in the church- is there any other kind? Yes, there is. All leadership is imperfect regardless of the arena.
This is my moment to mature, to accept the annoying imperfections of the school and its leadership. Once I clear that hurdle, it’s smooth sailing, right? *wink* Of course, no. But, I’m ready to move beyond my hurt, even if Christian leadership is stuck in the 1800s. #jesuswouldgetthevaccine
