Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/2/23 Nik Curfman 4/2/23

Abstract: What If I Live To Be 100

A poem, about shifting my focus from death to life.

Mr Death has been such a part of my life,

I consider him part of the family,

coming for friends and relatives a like,

from the earliest time I can remember,

and very present today.

As a child, I let him in,

to my heart, my dreams and hopes,

the way I view life and how I live.

And as older loves began to stand on the block,

lined up and ready (or not),

seems like their time is short.

And I worry and spend my days bound by the fear of the inevitable visit.

I know Mr will come for me too,

so I cry and weep for the years I wasted,

and struggle to direct my steps,

to make the most of whatever days I have left.

But, what if?

What if I live to be 100, not 60.

What if I find a good wife,

father children,

and grandchildren, and more.

What if I live through whatever wars and violence and oppressions to come?

What if my life isn’t winding down, but just getting started?

What IF…I stopped worrying about dying in 20 years, and stopped trying to fit all my possibilities through the narrow slit in between now and then?

What…If?

Oh my, what a glory and a gift.

To hope and dare to believe,

To live and live and live, and then LIVE EVEN MORE.

Have I not repented of my slave ways?

Sought the Lord?

Honored my parents?

And pointed my heart to what is good and holy?

Yes!

Imperfectly, but yes!

Then let me eat for life, not death!

Let me breath for eternity,

not personal fear or crisis of the moment.

Let my soul sing and imagination dance,

and let me break my blinders of shame and devotion to death.

The Lord is my God,

and I will not fear death or when he comes for me.

And Jesus, I repent,

for allowing death to be my lord,

the one who dominated my thoughts and choices.

I want you to dominate my notions and emotions,

to be hopeful and full of joy,

to believe and live by faith,

to smile at pain and stand strong against every wind bold enough to rush my direction.

And I will no longer worry about when Mr Death will come for me,

he is your servant after all,

and so am I.

When my day comes, to go home forever,

let me smile as I cross the stage into the great Beyond.

But for now and until that day,

I will live and work and plan in this moment,

present and forward, living in each moment rather than

broken and afraid of what’s to come.

I’m going to live to be 100.

Today is the day I began acting like it.

“For as a man thinks within himself, so he is.” - Proverbs 23:7

Nik Curfman 9/5/21 Nik Curfman 9/5/21

Vol II: #23 Dressing Old Wounds

This is my moment to mature, to accept the annoying imperfections of the school and its leadership. Once I clear that hurdle, it’s smooth sailing, right? *wink* Of course, no. But, I’m ready to move beyond my hurt, even if Christian leadership is stuck in the 1800s. #jesuswouldgetthevaccine

I was taught- by well-intentioned folks- to value my intellect and experience. As a result of these lessons, I never questioned my mental ability or lacked trust in my perceptions. These are, in fact, helpful lessons to learn. I must undo the trap I create when I cast my weight behind a singular thought or emotion. For example, I am not now a “piece of shit.” There were times in my life when this thought lived in my mind. Fortunately, most people who know me agree- I am awesome. (Though a few people would say, “Nik is a piece of shit,” with good reason.)

My current hurdle is my intellect because I can think myself into a hole with ease. Stress only adds fuel to this fire, and I am under some strain due to all the recent changes in my life. Most people are like this- when we feel threatened, we fight (or fly away.) I’m currently in a fighting mood- mentally arguing with friends, ex-business partners, and old girlfriends. It’s a sign I’m anxious and need to repent.

Repent? Yes, repent. Repentance is not a solemn process of self-condemnation or holy shame. It’s more simple and gracious than that. Repentance means to change thinking or perception. Usually, we apply this to sins, but all sin starts in the heart. All sin starts as a fallen thought, belief, or feeling. When the Lord came to Cain, He addressed Cain’s fallen attitude and thoughts. Right? He didn’t say, “don’t sin.” He asked, “why are you upset?” Sin and destruction always start in our minds, usually when we feel threatened, abused, or unappreciated. I prefer to address my fallen thoughts and emotions before they descend into shitty actions.

This is a moment for me to be honest, to express my concerns with going back to ministry school. From this perch, the appropriate question is: why do I feel threatened? It’s a question I don’t want to answer because it comes from a 21-year-old man/boy who was let down by people he admired. I expect to be treated poorly by leadership in the church- is there any other kind? Yes, there is. All leadership is imperfect regardless of the arena.

This is my moment to mature, to accept the annoying imperfections of the school and its leadership. Once I clear that hurdle, it’s smooth sailing, right? *wink* Of course, no. But, I’m ready to move beyond my hurt, even if Christian leadership is stuck in the 1800s. #jesuswouldgetthevaccine

Nik Curfman 8/17/21 Nik Curfman 8/17/21

Abstract: Be Anxious For Nothing

Anxiety is an addiction,

an old grey friend,

so comfortable around me,

he comes uninvited to my soul.

Anxiety is an addiction,

an old pale friend,

so comfortable around me,

he comes uninvited to my soul.

We’ve been friends for so long,

I forget how much of a terrible bastard he really is.

Even when he’s not around, I look for him,

because I don’t know how to live without sorrow or strain.

But…

My King says “Be anxious for no thing.”

Be sad for nothing,

Be nervous for nothing,

Be worried, frightful, and scared of nothing.

Let no concern bother my heart or mind.

Feels like a trap.

How do I stop something that feels automatic,

built into the way I live life?

Answer:

Live life another Way.

Anxiety is a tar baby*,

no matter how hard I swing or kick,

I slide deeper into his bullshit.

When I fight and scream,

I block the Way forward.

My friend, my addiction,

is not mine to battle or defeat,

He is the Lord’s to destroy.

My task is to ring the bell,

when Mr. Shitty comes calling.

In all things, I will let my voice rise to the Throne.

When the world feels dark,

and people are indifferent to human suffering.

When I feel fat and bloated,

when I compare myself to a more attractive man.

I will let my worry rise to the One who can do something about it,

And, I will find good things to consume my heart and mind,

like beautiful memories, strong trees, and delicious food,

for these are His goodness too.

*I use the term “tar baby” in the historical sense of the term, not as a racial slur. The story of Br-er Fox and Br-er Rabbit is one I remember from kindergarten. I didn’t have a clue nor was I taught the historical nature of the story. It’s old and found in various cultures as far back as ancient India and Iran.

This poem is an attempt to see anxiety as something we cannot engage in or fight on our own. The more we struggle as the tar baby meant for Br-er Rabbit, the more trouble we find. Our power comes when we confess our cares and allow the Holy Spirit to fight for us. Then, we get to engage in thankfulness and think happy thoughts- which is an active process. Jesus is our briar patch. He’s our safe place. As Christians, we must never forget it.

Nik Curfman 1/4/21 Nik Curfman 1/4/21

Abstraction: My Memory and Me

My memory reminds me of the me I once I was, and long existed.

That man is dead.

And soon, his memory will fade.

Replaced by the man I’ve become, an heir to Kingdom,

Now walking toward my rightful place.

When I turn around to see who’s following me, it’s a blank space.

I expect to see me, a younger, more immature me.

I would recognize him his fallen posture and cynical frown.

He hated what he was and who he thought he had to be.

The truth of his whereabouts are much more obvious.

He’s dead.

He died a slow unceremonious death at the hands of me.

I didn’t know it at the time. How could I?

But day by day, as I began to submit to Love and Life, he began to starve.

His thoughts were no longer good enough. His beliefs exposed as lies.

And now, as I walk forward into my destiny, I know I’ve left him behind.

In the ground.

To rot.

Memories are the mark of something that once existed.

They are not prophets of the future.

Despite being a sword with two blades. The only power they have is the power I give them.

My memory reminds me of the me I once was, and long existed.

That man is dead.

And soon, his memory will fade.

Replaced by the man I’ve become, an heir to Kingdom,

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.

Nik Curfman 12/10/20 Nik Curfman 12/10/20

Journal: #143 No Crutches For Me

I no longer own crutches. In their place, I’ve got long solitary walks and prayer. And when my feelings swell, I cry. I’m learning to live from my heart rather than numb out, and this is what walking in repentance looks like. I’ve turned to follow Him, whatever the cost.

In my post yesterday I wrote about being in process with the Holy Spirit. Each of us is. We are walking(or not walking) toward our garden with Him. It’s our destiny. Today, I meditated on grace, and what it means for my life.

What is Grace?

Humans have yet to agree on grace the way we agree on gravity or photosynthesis. This is how it should be. God is not a science experiment. And yet, we know grace when we experience it, when we see it on others. It is the favor and love of Father God for His creation, for us. Unearned and without end.

I have another way of seeing it: I don’t have to be perfect. My walk with Him is not on a tight rope. My task is to move, to keep walking with Him. Death can only catch me when I stop.

Before I go on I want to add this to any thoughts about grace. It’s not a random event or happening. We don’t lose it. Grace is an eternal and constant of life, pulling us to Him. We can’t turn off grace any more than we can switch off gravity. (So if we don’t see or feel it we are actively believing a lie. We are putting our minds above Him.)

My Testimony Of Grace

When I think about the evidence of the Lord’s favor and grace in my life, I think about the destructive habits and thoughts no longer part of my life. It’s not a short list. Without Jesus, I’m not here.

For brevity, I broke it down into two lists. This first list are the destructive behaviors. The second list are the harmful thought and beliefs:

Nicotine addiction. This should be obvious.
A brief dabble with alcoholism in the summer of 2011.
Binge eating. Chinese buffets were my heroin.
Porn addiction.
Lots of weed.
Angry outburst.
Lack of self-control.
Binge shopping.
Reckless driving. (Yes, this is a thing.)

And now, the internals. The grace to overcome harmful thoughts and beliefs is a deeper more meaningful victory. All of those sins above are a manifestation of an internal brokenness. Without further ado:

I’m a piece of shit.
No one really loves me.
If something(a relationship, job, journey, etc) is difficult, it’s not for me.
If something(a relationship, job, journey, etc) is difficult, I’m bad at it.
If I’m bad at something(a relationship, job, journey, etc), I will always be terrible at it.
I’m broken.
I’m stuck.
I can’t have what I want.
God gives other people more favor and love than me.
What I want isn’t good enough, so I’ve got to be someone else.
I’ve got to fix all the problems. (Not joking. I’ve lost sleep trying to fix major world issues.)
I'll never live up to an acceptable standard.
No woman will ever really love me.
I’m ugly.
I’m fat.
I’ll be broke for ever.
I’ll never see miracles or the supernatural.
I’m worthless.
No one would miss me if I died.
The pain is never going away.

All of these, every one is a lie. And through grace, I have overcome them. My brain and emotions are catching up to my spirit. It’s happening one day at a time. I must remind myself, I’m on my own timeline. There’s no one to impress.

Grace Needs No Crutch

On occasion, I try to shame myself for crying as much as I do. I need to have it together. Crying this much can’t be healthy, right? (I cry a lot y’all. Most days, and usually multiple times a day, I let tears go. Better out than in, as the saying goes.)

The thing is…for most of my life I ignored myself and didn’t address my destructive beliefs and thoughts. I ran to mostly to food when the shame was heavy. Then I pushed people away when I believed the lies about myself worth. At my worst, I smoked a lot of something and used porn to try to feel something other than pain. I used these crutches to drag my mangled soul from one moment to the next. Smiling for people while I died inside

I have to stop to reflect on it, to notice the transformation of the last two years. It’s a miracle. (How dare anyone judge me? Seriously. They don’t have a clue.) The Lord cleared my way with a purpose in mind. And, while I can’t describe what’s ahead, I know it’s big.

I aim to stay centered in Him, to fulfill that purpose. Thanks be to God.

Lord, I offer all my love and appreciation. The evidence of Your hand in my life is overwhelming and powerful. I’m so happy I’m still alive, and I will testify to Your goodness.

Amen.