Journal: #143 No Crutches For Me

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

In my post yesterday I wrote about being in process with the Holy Spirit. Each of us is. We are walking(or not walking) toward our garden with Him. It’s our destiny. Today, I meditated on grace, and what it means for my life.

What is Grace?

Humans have yet to agree on grace the way we agree on gravity or photosynthesis. This is how it should be. God is not a science experiment. And yet, we know grace when we experience it, when we see it on others. It is the favor and love of Father God for His creation, for us. Unearned and without end.

I have another way of seeing it: I don’t have to be perfect. My walk with Him is not on a tight rope. My task is to move, to keep walking with Him. Death can only catch me when I stop.

Before I go on I want to add this to any thoughts about grace. It’s not a random event or happening. We don’t lose it. Grace is an eternal and constant of life, pulling us to Him. We can’t turn off grace any more than we can switch off gravity. (So if we don’t see or feel it we are actively believing a lie. We are putting our minds above Him.)

My Testimony Of Grace

When I think about the evidence of the Lord’s favor and grace in my life, I think about the destructive habits and thoughts no longer part of my life. It’s not a short list. Without Jesus, I’m not here.

For brevity, I broke it down into two lists. This first list are the destructive behaviors. The second list are the harmful thought and beliefs:

  1. Nicotine addiction. This should be obvious.

  2. A brief dabble with alcoholism in the summer of 2011.

  3. Binge eating. Chinese buffets were my heroin.

  4. Porn addiction.

  5. Lots of weed.

  6. Angry outburst.

  7. Lack of self-control.

  8. Binge shopping.

  9. Reckless driving. (Yes, this is a thing.)

And now, the internals. The grace to overcome harmful thoughts and beliefs is a deeper more meaningful victory. All of those sins above are a manifestation of an internal brokenness. Without further ado:

  1. I’m a piece of shit.

  2. No one really loves me.

  3. If something(a relationship, job, journey, etc) is difficult, it’s not for me.

  4. If something(a relationship, job, journey, etc) is difficult, I’m bad at it.

  5. If I’m bad at something(a relationship, job, journey, etc), I will always be terrible at it.

  6. I’m broken.

  7. I’m stuck.

  8. I can’t have what I want.

  9. God gives other people more favor and love than me.

  10. What I want isn’t good enough, so I’ve got to be someone else.

  11. I’ve got to fix all the problems. (Not joking. I’ve lost sleep trying to fix major world issues.)

  12. I'll never live up to an acceptable standard.

  13. No woman will ever really love me.

  14. I’m ugly.

  15. I’m fat.

  16. I’ll be broke for ever.

  17. I’ll never see miracles or the supernatural.

  18. I’m worthless.

  19. No one would miss me if I died.

  20. The pain is never going away.

All of these, every one is a lie. And through grace, I have overcome them. My brain and emotions are catching up to my spirit. It’s happening one day at a time. I must remind myself, I’m on my own timeline. There’s no one to impress.

Grace Needs No Crutch

On occasion, I try to shame myself for crying as much as I do. I need to have it together. Crying this much can’t be healthy, right? (I cry a lot y’all. Most days, and usually multiple times a day, I let tears go. Better out than in, as the saying goes.)

The thing is…for most of my life I ignored myself and didn’t address my destructive beliefs and thoughts. I ran to mostly to food when the shame was heavy. Then I pushed people away when I believed the lies about myself worth. At my worst, I smoked a lot of something and used porn to try to feel something other than pain. I used these crutches to drag my mangled soul from one moment to the next. Smiling for people while I died inside

I no longer own crutches. In their place, I’ve got long solitary walks and prayer. And when my feelings swell, I cry. I’m learning to live from my heart rather than numb out, and this is what walking in repentance looks like. I’ve turned to follow Him, whatever the cost.

I have to stop to reflect on it, to notice the transformation of the last two years. It’s a miracle. (How dare anyone judge me? Seriously. They don’t have a clue.) The Lord cleared my way with a purpose in mind. And, while I can’t describe what’s ahead, I know it’s big.

I aim to stay centered in Him, to fulfill that purpose. Thanks be to God.

Lord, I offer all my love and appreciation. The evidence of Your hand in my life is overwhelming and powerful. I’m so happy I’m still alive, and I will testify to Your goodness.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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Journal: #142 I Am A Garden