Journal: #144 I Was Scared
It was a light playful punch to my shoulder, and it sent shockwaves through my soul. I knew it would happen eventually. This lady barely hides her attraction to me. I know she digs my vibe, but I’ve got nothing for her.
To be fair, I don’t think she has a big crush on me, and I did look good today. (Gotta give myself some credit.) I firmly believe she’d say yes to a date, which is not a what I want. I just want to do my job, and she is the second woman in the last month to signal she is open for something outside a professional setting.
It’s Ironic in the Best Way
For years I wanted female attention, because I viewed it as an indicator of my worth. It’s a common and terrible way to live life. (This is true any time we let other people decided our value.) And, I suffered really lean years where few if any women seemed interested in me. During those stretches, my self-esteem plummeted.
The irony is, the more I love myself the less I care what anyone thinks. My value is no longer linked to external events and people. I am loved and favored, and flooded with His grace and peace. So…the recent attention is lost on me.
I admit I have an existential fear of “being enough” for a woman. It is something I attack and face like man when I know it’s active in my heart. I will not make decisions or alter my life hoping to impress a woman. I am impressive as I am.
What About The Shockwaves?
Yeah, about those shockwaves. I don’t like to be put into a position to reject someone. It’s awkward. (The word reject is a bit harsh in this sense. I don’t respond, which I see as a soft form of rejection.) I default to questioning myself. Should I reject this person? What if I’m missing the boat?! She’s nice enough.
When the project manger slapped my back and laughed, I instantly felt like I had to do something. Then, I began to ask if I was ready to date someone. From there I started to asks more unsettling questions all in a blink of an eye. Like a shockwave. I was scared and frozen.
That’s not grace, is it? Grace is favor and an eraser. Grace says I don’t have to be perfect, and if I’m not attracted to a woman, it’s ok. She’ll be ok. God is good. More than that, grace screams OF COURSE YOU’RE READY!
Living One Day At A Time
That lady’s flirtation shined a surprise light on my heart and emotions. It was a perfect moment to practice self-love and grace, and to be kind to myself. There was a time I would’ve given my left nut for a woman to flirt with me. I need to remember that.
Flirtation can be affirming in a healthy way, especially when I’m not actively participating in it. I don’t aim to encourage her either. Last thing I want to do is lead someone on, and I don’t think this person would say that I am.
My intention and aim is to take this events one by one, as they come. Life is better lived at a stroll rather than a sprint. It’s more enjoyable and creates room for emotional well-being.
Thank you Lord for being my friend. I love how you showed me how to love myself and others well. For that lady, I pray for her and her heart. Bring her a great man.
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