Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/20/21 Nik Curfman 1/20/21

Journal: #181 I Am Strong

My life could get infinitely more difficult in the coming weeks and months. And, that’s ok. Given what I believe about myself and confirmed by others, I’m a stubborn man who brings a lot to any situation or environment. Whatever comes, I was born to overcome it with my face to the Son.

Do you cringe when people give you a compliment, but secretly love it? I’ve been that way. For as long as I can remember I wanted praise and recognition. Then, when the moment came, I couldn’t barely receive the kind words and appreciation. Odd, right?

What’s up with that? Why do we deny ourselves the thing we want? It’s illogical.

I’ve recently received a series of compliments, and rather than reject them I accepted them. I didn’t think twice on it until later in the day. One person called me a mountain goat, and another spent a few minutes detailing the strengths I bring to our marketing team at Cultre. (The mountain goat comparison was about being stubborn- in a good way.)

What I loved about each of those moments was I didn’t need to coach myself into accepting kinds words. Thank God. And yet, there’s a place for them. Kind words are like a drink of cool water you didn’t know you needed. The immature and the entitled can’t accept kindness for the Grace of God it is.

I don’t count myself among the wisest or most mature Christians on the planet, but I am determined to grow and learn. (Considering I am unmarried and without children I figure I’ve still got a lot to learn. It’s a challenge I embrace.) I want to have days like today, when my developer is AWAL so it falls to me to finish a website. We can only grow strong with the wind blows.

Lord, you know what’s going on in my life, and you know I love you. I’m so thankful you took time to build me up and form me into a man ready for the coming hurdles.

I love you, and I’m not letting go. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 1/19/21 Nik Curfman 1/19/21

Journal: #180 A Patient Becomes A Son

I’m no longer a needy patient going to the doctor for my daily dose of medicine. I’m a son running out to meet my Father. My head is up and my shoulders are back. I’m here to do work and love people the best I know how to love them. I’m ready to leave all the shame and insecurity behind.

In the dust of a break up and loss of my business partnership, I was given a kind gift: time. I was given hours and days to consider my response to my failures. I am grateful I did not rush off into the arms of another woman, or worry myself enough to seek full-time employment. In my limited wisdom, I chose to fall into the open embrace of the Lord.

Nothing Left To Do

I found plenty of motivation to run after the Lord, especially because I had no pride left to protect. I had no dream left to dream. This was a unique grace as my bleeding heart became a blank canvass eager for new paint.

He Started at the Foundation

God, the sum of wisdom, did not grant me a new vision for my future. Instead, He spoke to me about me, who I am, and what’s in my heart. For the first time, I decided to listen. What He showed me was both familiar and unique. My heart’s most earnest desire is to love people and show them the way to the Jesus of Life.

As the summer ended the shame slide off my back. I started to find steady work and glimpses of what my future could be. On occasion, I felt confident. It shocked me, these moments of steady assurance. I was so unprepared I wept for fear. Yes, fear.

I Didn’t Know How to Be Confident

I have plenty of experience running after the Lord when I’m hurt or in need. I know how to lean on the Holy Spirit when the odds are long and only a miracle will do. Confidence seems like a trap. How dare I believe in me? I need to find a reason defeat this arrogance. And so, I did. Instead of enjoying a fading afternoon or job well done, I searched the cracks of my being for flaws.

(It’s just one more reason God is greater than we know. Despite my neurotic need for shame or fear to push me toward Jesus, He accepts my offerings and didn’t hold back His heart from mine.)

Finding life In Sculpture

Last night I sat down with several spools of wire to create something. What started as a pair of lips turned into lips, a nose, and a vision for a much larger project. Completed, it will be an entire wall hanging, four feet tall, and another five to six feet wide. I’m stoked to work on it.

When I finished last night, I felt good. Happy even? The anxiety I felt earlier in the day was gone, replaced by true joy. For one of the only times in my life, I was happy and excited about something I did. For me. For the following hour I stared at what my work and smiled. I made that.

Let’s Try Confidence Again

After dinner, I went for a victory walk. That confident feeling beamed from my chest, and a tinge of fear crept into my soul. If I don’t feel broken, how do I go after the Lord? What will we talk about? How silly can I be?

What will we talk about?!? EVERYTHING ELSE BRO! LOL!

As I prayed about my thoughts and feelings, I heard the Lord tell me to remember this date: January 18th, 2020. It’s the day I turned the corner from being a broken man into being a redeemed man.

Embracing Progress

Yes. The motivation is very different. I’m no longer a needy patient going to the doctor for my daily dose of medicine. I’m a son running out to meet my Father. My head is up and my shoulders are back. I’m here to do work and love people the best I know how. I’m ready to leave all the shame and insecurity behind.

I’m not mad or dominated by guilt. The new vision laid before is one of trust and daily walks with Jesus. The details are less important. He will supply all my needs, and I will seek wisdom on what’s best for the talents and resources under my control. It’s a real joy to lay my burdens down, and live in shadow of His grace.

Lord of my heart, thank you for your loving-kindness and patience. I’m a silly man, but no less your son. My faith is in you, and I look forward to growing my assurance in You. Bless my friends. Heal my dad. And cover the Chambers family in love and peace.

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Nik Curfman 12/10/20 Nik Curfman 12/10/20

Journal: #143 No Crutches For Me

I no longer own crutches. In their place, I’ve got long solitary walks and prayer. And when my feelings swell, I cry. I’m learning to live from my heart rather than numb out, and this is what walking in repentance looks like. I’ve turned to follow Him, whatever the cost.

In my post yesterday I wrote about being in process with the Holy Spirit. Each of us is. We are walking(or not walking) toward our garden with Him. It’s our destiny. Today, I meditated on grace, and what it means for my life.

What is Grace?

Humans have yet to agree on grace the way we agree on gravity or photosynthesis. This is how it should be. God is not a science experiment. And yet, we know grace when we experience it, when we see it on others. It is the favor and love of Father God for His creation, for us. Unearned and without end.

I have another way of seeing it: I don’t have to be perfect. My walk with Him is not on a tight rope. My task is to move, to keep walking with Him. Death can only catch me when I stop.

Before I go on I want to add this to any thoughts about grace. It’s not a random event or happening. We don’t lose it. Grace is an eternal and constant of life, pulling us to Him. We can’t turn off grace any more than we can switch off gravity. (So if we don’t see or feel it we are actively believing a lie. We are putting our minds above Him.)

My Testimony Of Grace

When I think about the evidence of the Lord’s favor and grace in my life, I think about the destructive habits and thoughts no longer part of my life. It’s not a short list. Without Jesus, I’m not here.

For brevity, I broke it down into two lists. This first list are the destructive behaviors. The second list are the harmful thought and beliefs:

Nicotine addiction. This should be obvious.
A brief dabble with alcoholism in the summer of 2011.
Binge eating. Chinese buffets were my heroin.
Porn addiction.
Lots of weed.
Angry outburst.
Lack of self-control.
Binge shopping.
Reckless driving. (Yes, this is a thing.)

And now, the internals. The grace to overcome harmful thoughts and beliefs is a deeper more meaningful victory. All of those sins above are a manifestation of an internal brokenness. Without further ado:

I’m a piece of shit.
No one really loves me.
If something(a relationship, job, journey, etc) is difficult, it’s not for me.
If something(a relationship, job, journey, etc) is difficult, I’m bad at it.
If I’m bad at something(a relationship, job, journey, etc), I will always be terrible at it.
I’m broken.
I’m stuck.
I can’t have what I want.
God gives other people more favor and love than me.
What I want isn’t good enough, so I’ve got to be someone else.
I’ve got to fix all the problems. (Not joking. I’ve lost sleep trying to fix major world issues.)
I'll never live up to an acceptable standard.
No woman will ever really love me.
I’m ugly.
I’m fat.
I’ll be broke for ever.
I’ll never see miracles or the supernatural.
I’m worthless.
No one would miss me if I died.
The pain is never going away.

All of these, every one is a lie. And through grace, I have overcome them. My brain and emotions are catching up to my spirit. It’s happening one day at a time. I must remind myself, I’m on my own timeline. There’s no one to impress.

Grace Needs No Crutch

On occasion, I try to shame myself for crying as much as I do. I need to have it together. Crying this much can’t be healthy, right? (I cry a lot y’all. Most days, and usually multiple times a day, I let tears go. Better out than in, as the saying goes.)

The thing is…for most of my life I ignored myself and didn’t address my destructive beliefs and thoughts. I ran to mostly to food when the shame was heavy. Then I pushed people away when I believed the lies about myself worth. At my worst, I smoked a lot of something and used porn to try to feel something other than pain. I used these crutches to drag my mangled soul from one moment to the next. Smiling for people while I died inside

I have to stop to reflect on it, to notice the transformation of the last two years. It’s a miracle. (How dare anyone judge me? Seriously. They don’t have a clue.) The Lord cleared my way with a purpose in mind. And, while I can’t describe what’s ahead, I know it’s big.

I aim to stay centered in Him, to fulfill that purpose. Thanks be to God.

Lord, I offer all my love and appreciation. The evidence of Your hand in my life is overwhelming and powerful. I’m so happy I’m still alive, and I will testify to Your goodness.

Amen.