Journal: #180 A Patient Becomes A Son

Daily Journal

Jan 19

In the dust of a break up and loss of my business partnership, I was given a kind gift: time. I was given hours and days to consider my response to my failures. I am grateful I did not rush off into the arms of another woman, or worry myself enough to seek full-time employment. In my limited wisdom, I chose to fall into the open embrace of the Lord.

Nothing Left To Do

I found plenty of motivation to run after the Lord, especially because I had no pride left to protect. I had no dream left to dream. This was a unique grace as my bleeding heart became a blank canvass eager for new paint.

He Started at the Foundation

God, the sum of wisdom, did not grant me a new vision for my future. Instead, He spoke to me about me, who I am, and what’s in my heart. For the first time, I decided to listen. What He showed me was both familiar and unique. My heart’s most earnest desire is to love people and show them the way to the Jesus of Life.

As the summer ended the shame slide off my back. I started to find steady work and glimpses of what my future could be. On occasion, I felt confident. It shocked me, these moments of steady assurance. I was so unprepared I wept for fear. Yes, fear.

I Didn’t Know How to Be Confident

I have plenty of experience running after the Lord when I’m hurt or in need. I know how to lean on the Holy Spirit when the odds are long and only a miracle will do. Confidence seems like a trap. How dare I believe in me? I need to find a reason defeat this arrogance. And so, I did. Instead of enjoying a fading afternoon or job well done, I searched the cracks of my being for flaws.

(It’s just one more reason God is greater than we know. Despite my neurotic need for shame or fear to push me toward Jesus, He accepts my offerings and didn’t hold back His heart from mine.)

Finding life In Sculpture

Last night I sat down with several spools of wire to create something. What started as a pair of lips turned into lips, a nose, and a vision for a much larger project. Completed, it will be an entire wall hanging, four feet tall, and another five to six feet wide. I’m stoked to work on it.

When I finished last night, I felt good. Happy even? The anxiety I felt earlier in the day was gone, replaced by true joy. For one of the only times in my life, I was happy and excited about something I did. For me. For the following hour I stared at what my work and smiled. I made that.

Let’s Try Confidence Again

After dinner, I went for a victory walk. That confident feeling beamed from my chest, and a tinge of fear crept into my soul. If I don’t feel broken, how do I go after the Lord? What will we talk about? How silly can I be?

What will we talk about?!? EVERYTHING ELSE BRO! LOL!

As I prayed about my thoughts and feelings, I heard the Lord tell me to remember this date: January 18th, 2020. It’s the day I turned the corner from being a broken man into being a redeemed man.

Embracing Progress

Yes. The motivation is very different. I’m no longer a needy patient going to the doctor for my daily dose of medicine. I’m a son running out to meet my Father. My head is up and my shoulders are back. I’m here to do work and love people the best I know how. I’m ready to leave all the shame and insecurity behind.

I’m not mad or dominated by guilt. The new vision laid before is one of trust and daily walks with Jesus. The details are less important. He will supply all my needs, and I will seek wisdom on what’s best for the talents and resources under my control. It’s a real joy to lay my burdens down, and live in shadow of His grace.

Lord of my heart, thank you for your loving-kindness and patience. I’m a silly man, but no less your son. My faith is in you, and I look forward to growing my assurance in You. Bless my friends. Heal my dad. And cover the Chambers family in love and peace.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com