Journal: #164 Favorite Moments of 2020: Writing

Daily Journal

Jan 2

This post is seventh of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, and #8 Family and Friends here.

No Job Satisfaction

My dad once asked me if I ever had a job I enjoyed. My quick and honest answer was no. He was shocked and sad for me. Over the course of his life he held several jobs he genuinely loved, and I had no idea what that was like. From the time I started working in my teens until this year, I was never excited about my work.

To be fair, there were moments I enjoyed my restaurants or non-profit work, but they were fleeting and not about the actual work. Whenever I liked what I did it was based on the people or the money. I held no intrinsic value for the job itself.

I’m Not Built For Task Work

For starters, I am not a task oriented person. I get very little satisfaction out of mindless tasks like cutting broccoli, responding to email, or routine marketing meetings. Boring.

I was built for challenges, to solve problems, and be creative. Rarely have my career choices offered me those options. I accept responsibility for it. I chose to neglect who I was, because I didn’t think I could be me.

What My Heart Wants

This year I decided to unearth my heart and listen to it. It told me to love people and be creative. Despite being inexperienced and undeveloped in both areas, I knew that’s what I had to do. No more dedication to mind-numbing tasks or a paycheck.

To Write

I’ve always loved to write be it in spiral journals or blogs. What held me back was a need to be seen as important or relevant. I wanted my writing to be profound and impact people. I needed the approval of others to validate what I write.

In 2020 I learned I had to do certain things, like write, because I need to do them. I write because I have to express myself, because I’ve got something to say, and because it satisfies a deep urge to create and over come a challenge. Each day and every blog post is me in my most honest form. It’s sloppy and unappealing at times. But, a day doesn’t feel like a day without it.

To Be Honest and Encourage

I hope Fearlessgrit becomes more than a place for me to write blog posts. I have plane to bring on more writers, to share their voice and experiences. The ultimate goal is to be a place of vulnerable encourage from normal folks to normal folks. However, should that never happen, I continue to type and press publish.

Simply put, writing gives me life. I take risks and push myself to be honest. At least once a week I question what I posted. Was it too honest? Did I say too much? Should I keep using cuss words? The answer is always no. This is my story and I get to tell it. As such, writing will never be about numbers or personal glory.

To Be Me

The biggest praise or compliment of my writing came from my parents. (Everyday they read my posts, which makes being honest especially nerve wracking at times.) Each parent, in separate conversation, told be how much my writing meant to them. I told myself, “good, that’s enough for me.” If the only people my writing touches is my parents, that’s more than enough.

This blog post will be number 164, almost half way to 330 (my unofficial goal for my first full year of blogging.) I’m proud of myself. It’s not about the number or the increase in the number of readers. I’m proud I decided to do something my heart wants, and the number of posts shows that dedication.

Listen to Your Heart

To you, my dear reader, please do the thing in your heart to do. We all have something. Love yourself no matter what the result or who’s watching. You need you.

Lord, thank you for loving me and putting people in my life who helped steer me to this moment. Thank you for showing me what’s in my heart to do, and loving me even when I was miles from this place. I love you.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com