Journal: #166 Favorite Moments of 2020: Growing In Gratitude

Daily Journal

Jan 4

This post is fifth of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike some, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read my intro by clicking this link, #10: Oregon, #9 Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #9 Part 2 of The (X) Girlfriend here, #8 Family and Friends here, #7 My Love of Writing here, and #6 Walking Away From BBQ here.

In Need of a Boost

The irony of writing this post today is not lost on me. The Lord, in all his greatness, knew I’d need a reminder about the importance and impact gratitude has in my life. In fact, my last five favorite moments of 2020 all center on my relationship with Jesus. We found new heights together last year. I do not intend, plan, or will allow myself to go backward in 2021.

The insecure victim I knew is dead. Thanks be to God.

And, that’s the point. I’m not a victim. My life is filled with amazing people and opportunities. Despite the current hurdles and stresses, I am awash in the favor and grace of the Lord.

COVID Isolation Taking a Toll

I think what I need as much as anything is a hug. Since I returned to northern California, I’ve been almost completely alone. It’s not healthy. Add to that the normal of amount of stress and pressure, I realized I’m starting to feel distant from the Lord. Which is a lie.

God of the Universe, creator of time and space, is my best friend- always there, always kind, always ready to love me and listen. Whatever gap I sense between us is really in my head, not my Kingdom reality. He’s the one who pointed out my loneliness.

Oddly, the key to beating loneliness is not to commune with a bunch of people. That’s not what loneliness is, not for me. Loneliness is the belief I am alone, because no one cares about me. I am alone because I’m unworthy of love. It becomes the lens I use to see the world, and I ultimately project that lie onto Jesus.

Gratitude is a Weapon

The way I combat and defeat loneliness is by looking at the glory of God in my life. When I begin to look at what’s good, what’s gives me joy, the amazing people I count as close friends, and doors I get to open…I laugh. I’m rich by any standard of the human condition.

Gratitude became something I knew I needed in 2017, so I started to keep a journal. By late 2018, I began each day with the prayer, “Thank you Lord for this day. I trust you.” Then early this year, I began to understand the true power gratitude. It helped me get through the roughest part of my relationship with my (x) girlfriend, and kept me steady in the aftermath of our breakup.

I appreciated her for who is she and was, not who I wanted her to be. I never focused on the problems or flaws in our relationship. (I didn’t ignore the problems, but I believed in us. I did learn I need to be more proactive in addressing complications and issues.) It’s a perspective I do not regret and want to carry with me into the next relationship.

Gratitude Creates Life

Bigger than that, I want to carry an attitude of gratitude into all areas of my life. It’s life changing. I once wondered how certain people always saw the silver lining, but now I get it. Yes. Parts of life suck.Any idiot can state the obvious when I house is in flames or a loved one is dying. I want to be the person thankful for a new house to build or the time I got to spend with my sick friend.

In my life, as I type, I have a couple of those scenarios playing out in real time. As I typed this post I also texted a friend in Texas. His dad might not make it through the night, and my friend is facing the possibility of that new reality. (We are not conceding anything to the enemy. God has performed bigger miracles than this.) I’m thankful I get to be a friend to my friend, to pray when he has neither the strength or desire, to sit with him in his grief. It’s an honor.

It Opens the Door to Joy

I’ll finish with one small secret. Gratitude paves the way for joy, because joy is the instant recognition of God’s goodness. Once I or anyone begin to train our minds and hearts to look for what’s good, we will begin to see it everywhere. When we see Him everywhere, we find life is enjoyable, especially when we the tide is against us.

Lord, thank you for being so good. Thank you for never limiting your compassion or favor. It’s awesome what you’ve done for me and every human on this planet. Please touch my friends suffering loss and those who are sick. I know you love them. I release healing and vision to the weary, and I bind lies and loneliness. I ask for these things in the name of Jesus the Christ.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com