Daily Journal: #103 Exhausted and Confused Faith

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

Today, just over an hour ago, I drove to the house of my former girlfriend to deliver her yoga mat and prep knife. (I hate the term ex-girlfriend.) The reason for the tardy return of her items is more practical than you might think. I took her knife, and one of mine, to be professionally sharpened in San Francisco exactly one week before the quarantine. I got them back via USPS Wednesday, nearly eight months later. Such is life in the times of COVID-19.

As I turned off Eureka Way onto Willis, I felt my heartbeat in my throat. “What if this is it?” I wondered. These objects resting on my passenger seat were the last ties I had to her. After this, I have no practical reason to see her other than desire. I do desire to see her. I love her. She’s my friend, even now. But, we haven’t spoken in weeks. Whatever flickering longings I’ve held are near death. The closer I got to her house, the more sadness flooded my heart.

The Dilemma

Every time I read scripture like “ask and you shall receive,” she comes to mind, which is a cause for conflict. What do I want? Do I want God’s best for my life? (HINT: Yes and always.) Or do I stand on what is still hiding in my heart, my desire for her? I’ve been in this place before. I tend to have strong emotions and attachments. Strong emotions are real but not always in line with what’s good or what’s best.

I planned to drop by her house unannounced on purpose. I knew she wouldn’t be there, and her absence afforded me the opportunity to be an emotional wreck. Soon after I made my delivery, I set my tears free and prayed, “Lord, what do I do?” I fell in love with a wonderful human, full of love and kindness, intelligence and compassion, and…immature and flawed. I do not want to go back to dating the woman I knew in May. She was judgmental and afraid. (For the record, I don’t want to be me from May either. I neglected myself and tried to be superman. I struggled with judgment as well.)

In addition to all of my objections, I have one huge requirement for my girlfriend. I need her to want to date me, and appreciate me as I am. I’m not sure she was ever fully on board, and I definitely don’t want a codependent relationship. I’m confident in my strength and ability in a relationship to work through the unavoidable pains and strain.

What I Want

I’m not sure she’ll ever text me again, if we’ll remain friends (as I wrote this post, she texted to say thank you.) The idea I could or should want more from her is idealistic. But isn’t that what faith is? Wanting and expecting what isn’t seen? Yes, and no.

What my heart truly wants is a good relationship with an amazing women. I believe in that. I also believe every relationship is about two people doing what they can to be together. It’s not about one or the other. It’s not my job to carry a woman and let her insecurities drag us down- a common characteristic of every previous relationship of mine. No more.

I want strength. I want passion. I want confidence. I refuse to accept the idea women are weaker than men, and we (men) are designed to be super heroes. I’m awesome and I want to date an amazing woman, one who embraces their awesomeness. I’ve seen it in my former girlfriend at her best (or close to it.) It could be her.

The Best Solution I Got

I’m not looking for perfection or a “total package” (as if people are manufactured products.) I needed to say that. I’m looking for a woman running after her best life, secure in her identity as a daughter of the Creator King. That’s what I’m doing. It’s what I value. At 40, I’m looking for an empowered woman with enough gumption to own who she is and be brave enough fight her fears.

As I prayed today, I felt peace settle on my heart. I trust the Lord and will not fear the future, any future. A girlfriend, a wife, is about so much more than basic desire. I’ve watched perfect couples divorce, and terrible couples turn into soulmates. I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him in all things.

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LINKS

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
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