Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 6/20/22 Nik Curfman 6/20/22

Abstract: Can I?

A poem, about facing self-doubt.

There’s a difference between believing something can be done and believing I can do it.

I watched Michael Jordan dominate the NBA,

and marvel as Elon Musk rolls out fancy electric cars.

Likewise, Bill Johnson and Brene Brown touch our hearts with inspired words,

and call us into greater being.

As for me, the question remains:

Can I do it?

In my brain, I know I can, as in I am mentally and physically capable of a great many tasks and journeys,

but…(is there a more loathsome word?)

But, do I believe I will?

Will I push past feeling like an imposter,

being immature and old,

ashamed and ill prepared?

I must,

and in the process grow beyond what I am,

to the final version of me.

Nik Curfman 9/16/21 Nik Curfman 9/16/21

Vol II: #28 I Don’t Trust God

The oldest- and still most effective- lie humans entertain is GOD IS NOT WHO HE SAYS HE IS. Every other lie and every sin is built on this foundation. IF God isn’t kind, I need to protect myself (enter greed, murder, and racism.) IF God isn’t gracious, I am alone (enter anxiety, depression, and disconnection.) IF God doesn’t love me, I am unworthy of love (enter shame, codependence, and addiction.) These are all variations of the original: You can’t be who you are because God isn’t who He is.

I am a problem-solver, like most men. My ability to handle a stressful situation dramatically decreases the longer it remains unchanged. And, powerless people who would rather complain about life or sit in their “fear of moving forward” are my kryptonite. These flaws in my heart are forms of impatience and fear. You should know, I am also impatient without myself and God Almighty.

On my morning walk through the forest, I reached a crescendo in my complaints to the Lord. In return, He asked a simple question, “Do you trust me?” The answer is yes, and no. I trust the Lord on a personal level. I trust He’s leading me and won’t let me fail. But, I do not trust Him with my family, some friends, and church leaders. Why do people choose less, to believe in a small God, and put more faith in the works of evil than a God of lavish goodness? I know the answer before I finish the question.

The oldest- and still most effective- lie humans entertain is GOD IS NOT WHO HE SAYS HE IS. Every other lie and every sin is built on this foundation. IF God isn’t kind, I need to protect myself (enter greed, murder, and racism.) IF God isn’t gracious, I am alone (enter anxiety, depression, and disconnection.) IF God doesn’t love me, I am unworthy of love (enter shame, codependence, and addiction.) These are all variations of the original: You can’t be who you are because God isn’t who He is.

This is the point of the story of Adam and Eve. Whether it actually happened or is an explanation of the Lord's relationship to humanity, the truth remains. The Lord made us, put us on a wonderful planet, and supplied every need imaginable. And yet, we doubted Him and continue to doubt Him…with our families, friends, and fellow Christians. We choose to protect, control, and dive into hopelessness. Our fear is why Hebrews says, “without faith, it is impossible to please God.”

Faith isn’t a conjured feeling of confidence, it’s a trust. In my vulnerable state, the most faith I can muster(pun intended) is to believe the Lord is good. I can’t see the end and I hate to see people I love caught in cycles of bullshit, BUT I’ve got a mustard seed. My goal isn’t to put confidence in my wisdom or experience. I don’t need to have answers. My aim is to say “LORD, I BELIEVE YOU ARE WHO YOU SAY YOU ARE.”

I believe you love me and my loved ones. I believe you have a plan for your people. I believe in your supernatural presence and grace. I believe you know know what’s best for your children. You are the great I AM, the Salvation of all mankind, but also the friend of every person. You stand at the door, forever knocking to be let in. Our choice is to let you in, to give you a seat in our hearts, every day.

Lord, I don’t trust you the way I want to trust you. But, I trust you enough to open my heart to your goodness and love. I believe you are who you say you are, and I need more of you, not less. I will stress myself to death trying to fix what I cannot fix. It’s my joy to watch you work.

- Amen.

Nik Curfman 10/30/20 Nik Curfman 10/30/20

Daily Journal: #103 Exhausted and Confused Faith

I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him- in all things.

Today, just over an hour ago, I drove to the house of my former girlfriend to deliver her yoga mat and prep knife. (I hate the term ex-girlfriend.) The reason for the tardy return of her items is more practical than you might think. I took her knife, and one of mine, to be professionally sharpened in San Francisco exactly one week before the quarantine. I got them back via USPS Wednesday, nearly eight months later. Such is life in the times of COVID-19.

As I turned off Eureka Way onto Willis, I felt my heartbeat in my throat. “What if this is it?” I wondered. These objects resting on my passenger seat were the last ties I had to her. After this, I have no practical reason to see her other than desire. I do desire to see her. I love her. She’s my friend, even now. But, we haven’t spoken in weeks. Whatever flickering longings I’ve held are near death. The closer I got to her house, the more sadness flooded my heart.

The Dilemma

Every time I read scripture like “ask and you shall receive,” she comes to mind, which is a cause for conflict. What do I want? Do I want God’s best for my life? (HINT: Yes and always.) Or do I stand on what is still hiding in my heart, my desire for her? I’ve been in this place before. I tend to have strong emotions and attachments. Strong emotions are real but not always in line with what’s good or what’s best.

I planned to drop by her house unannounced on purpose. I knew she wouldn’t be there, and her absence afforded me the opportunity to be an emotional wreck. Soon after I made my delivery, I set my tears free and prayed, “Lord, what do I do?” I fell in love with a wonderful human, full of love and kindness, intelligence and compassion, and…immature and flawed. I do not want to go back to dating the woman I knew in May. She was judgmental and afraid. (For the record, I don’t want to be me from May either. I neglected myself and tried to be superman. I struggled with judgment as well.)

In addition to all of my objections, I have one huge requirement for my girlfriend. I need her to want to date me, and appreciate me as I am. I’m not sure she was ever fully on board, and I definitely don’t want a codependent relationship. I’m confident in my strength and ability in a relationship to work through the unavoidable pains and strain.

What I Want

I’m not sure she’ll ever text me again, if we’ll remain friends (as I wrote this post, she texted to say thank you.) The idea I could or should want more from her is idealistic. But isn’t that what faith is? Wanting and expecting what isn’t seen? Yes, and no.

What my heart truly wants is a good relationship with an amazing women. I believe in that. I also believe every relationship is about two people doing what they can to be together. It’s not about one or the other. It’s not my job to carry a woman and let her insecurities drag us down- a common characteristic of every previous relationship of mine. No more.

I want strength. I want passion. I want confidence. I refuse to accept the idea women are weaker than men, and we (men) are designed to be super heroes. I’m awesome and I want to date an amazing woman, one who embraces their awesomeness. I’ve seen it in my former girlfriend at her best (or close to it.) It could be her.

The Best Solution I Got

I’m not looking for perfection or a “total package” (as if people are manufactured products.) I needed to say that. I’m looking for a woman running after her best life, secure in her identity as a daughter of the Creator King. That’s what I’m doing. It’s what I value. At 40, I’m looking for an empowered woman with enough gumption to own who she is and be brave enough fight her fears.

As I prayed today, I felt peace settle on my heart. I trust the Lord and will not fear the future, any future. A girlfriend, a wife, is about so much more than basic desire. I’ve watched perfect couples divorce, and terrible couples turn into soulmates. I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him in all things.

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