Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 12/31/20 Nik Curfman 12/31/20

Journal: #162 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 2

I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

This post is ninth (part 2) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon. Part 1 of The (X) Girlfriend is here.

For a quick review, yesterday I discussed what I was proud of from my relationship with Ms C. Despite a gut-wrenching break-up, I think I did well. I loved from start to finish, and beyond. Any shame I felt in the aftermath is old shame.

What I Learned

Today, I will go over what I learned, and how it made me a better man. Some of it is about being a man, and some of it about being human. I know I dated a quality woman because my life is better now than it was before we got together. Any time one person can encourage the other to run after Jesus, it’s a success. No matter what.

So what did I learn?

To Love Myself

The number one lesson that finally stuck is I have to take care of myself regardless of what is happening in life. Until this year I had a bad habit of ignoring my needs in sacrifice of something or someone. I did it with my business partner and Ms C. And, it’s not their fault. My past is littered with many more examples of such moments.

In the summer of 2019, I got super sick with a mystery stomach ailment. I couldn’t eat for almost a month, and the doctors offered no answers. I think it was a psychosomatic (stress-induced illness.) Eventually, I got better. Fast-forward to mid-May of 2020. I knew I was losing her, and the stress mounted. I prayed more, went on late-night burger runs, and stopped doing things I loved. My stomach began to churn the way it did the previous summer.

I tried to ignore what was happening to my body, “Isn’t this what people do when they love someone?” Yes. It is. And, they end up in the hospital.

I’ll never forget the feeling of absolute conviction when I finally understood,“Oh, I can’t ignore myself any more. I’m going to die if I keep doing this. I’ve go to take care of me.” It hit me as square (yet guilt-free) as a thought can, because I literally felt it sink into my soul. The lesson, finally, learned.

I want to make something very clear. No one ever asked me to treat myself poorly. No one ever asked me to eat crappy food or ignore my friends. It is an old pattern of behavior in my life, and I had to repent of it. It’s why I write everyday and go for walks. I will do what I must to love myself every day. No days off.

I love me, and that includes doing for myself what I would do for others.

I Am Loved and Worthy Of Love

My business coach said it very calmly during one of our summer sessions: trauma and pain do not magically disappear. The pain in my heart stemmed from constantly trying to be someone else and constantly trying to win the approval and notice of others. Whenever I felt unappreciated or unloved, I could lash out in anger. Why didn’t they see how amazing I am?

Ms C did not like to see me angry. I get it, because I don’t like it either. My anger was a defense mechanism. I had to stick up for myself because no one else will. It controlled my life, my choices, and how I treated people.

To be clear, anger did not control my life. What controlled me was feeling worthless and unworthy of love. For 40 years, I thought I wasn’t good enough for anyone, so I had to be someone I’m not. Took me 40 years to realize, I can’t be anyone other than me. Anger will always be the product of a Nik who does not love himself and feels like a loser.

There’s nothing like a break-up to test a person, so I seized the opportunity by the throat. To defeat worthlessness, I started some new habits. They include positive self-talk, repeating the promises of the Lord aloud, and addressing negative emotions whenever they surface. Any time I feel rejected or attacked, I fight back. I am loved and worthy of love. I’m amazing. The Lord will never leave me and His grace is new every single morning. I believe the future ahead of me and I trust the Lord to take care of me.

Lead With Kindness

I believe in equality, and will never give in to the idea that women are lesser vessels. God made them as sure as he made me. So the idea of a leader in a relationship strikes me as odd. Until recently, I didn’t want to be part of an old-school woman-follows-the-man relationship. (Still don’t.) I want a woman with hopes and dreams, personality, and grit. I don’t want a weak woman who needs a man to define her.

Ms. C is not a weak woman, though she can play the part. At her best, she speaks her mind without thinking about it, and it’s good.

I can admit now, I did not lead Ms. C. I did not challenge her in the way one good partner challenges another. Why? Because I was too scared she’d leave if I pushed her to get help. I assumed she’d figure herself out, which was a mistake.

Since I can’t go back, I’ll say it this way: The next time I say something sweet and kind to a woman I love and she gets triggered, I will not simply wait for her to “work through it.” Ms. C, for all her strengths, was stuck on a few issues that had nothing to do with me. She needed a friend to push her to seek help. In the future, I’ll demand action.

I was nice to Ms. C, not kind. I was afraid, not brave. My next girlfriend will never know that version of me. And, the woman I marry will love my honest and kind demands to defeat our fears. (I’m not talking about being an asshole. I’m talking about being a true friend. True friends challenge poor behaviors and beliefs with kindness and compassion. My aim is to be a true friend.)

Good Relationship Tips

The last few lessons I decided to put into a shortlist.

I will do a better job with boundaries in the future. I did a reasonably good job of this but definitely failed in some areas. Again, nice does not pay.
Relaxed is better than hype. Very few things are the end of the world.
Perfection is the approach of the fearful trying to save themselves from pain. It’s unwise to expect perfection or try to live up to a standard stated by another. In the future, I won’t even bother.
Jesus really is my everything. He’s my best friend and constant strength. He knew my heart was broken, and that I’d rise from the ashes.

Zero Regret

I could on and on about what I loved, hated, and learned from my relationship this year, but I’ll stop here. In the end, I couldn’t be more grateful for the chance to date someone so great. I pray only good things for her, and I hope she’s doing well.

More than that, I hope I had a positive impact on her life as Ms. C had on mine. I’m a better man than I was a year ago, and she’s a big part of that. A true blessing.

Tomorrow, I’ll tell you why I’ve got the best family and friends in the whole universe.

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Nik Curfman 12/30/20 Nik Curfman 12/30/20

Journal: #161 Favorite Moments of 2020: The (x) Girlfriend Pt. 1

She’s still the amazing person I thought she was last year. It’s been seven months since we broke up, and still miss my friend. So instead of bemoaning my fate like a child, I choose to be thankful for her and our time together.

This post is ninth (part 1) of ten in my Top Ten Moments of 2020. Unlike a lot of people, 2020 was not a bad year for me. Despite some major disappointments, I wouldn’t trade 2020 for anything. Read the intro by clicking this link, and this is moment #10: Oregon.

About that old GirlFriend

When I made my list of top moments in 2020, I didn’t know where to place this one. If you scroll back through my writing I talk about her and our breakup a good bit. I learned a lot about myself from the experience, and I regret nothing. I’m thankful for the opportunity to date and love someone truly amazing…and flawed.

Part 1 of 2: Proud Moments

I decided to break moment up into two posts, because I want to cover a lot of topics in detail. This post will focus on what I’m proud of in regards to how I acted, and tomorrow I will review what I learned.

Ms C is type of rare combination of traits, characteristics, and personality I’m looking for in a woman. She’s affectionate, honest, and kind. At her best, she speaks her mind and adds life to every rooms she’s in. I liked the way she could cut through the human bullshit to see dynamics I couldn’t. She’s quirky too, aka not a basic white girl.

Of course, being human, she has weaknesses and flaws. I will not list them here.

1. Realistic Expectations

The first thing I’m proud of is I never put Ms C on a pedestal. I accepted her for who and what she is. When we broke up, I wasn’t shocked or surprised. Did I cry for days and weeks…months? Yes. Everyday. I liked and wanted her. But, even before we started dating, I saw a breakup as a possibility.

2. Risked Everything Just to Date Her

Secondly, I’m glad I risked asking her out. At the time she was my employee and will forever remain ten years younger than me. There were tons of reasons not to date her, but I liked her. I was myself around her, and we enjoyed being together. I took a risk then, and I’d do it all over again.

This next moment of pride might seem a bit odd, so just go with it.

3. NO Planning Ahead

I didn’t get ahead of myself with Ms C. Even though I was in love with her, I knew we both had to face our issues if we were to be together. It’s crazy to me to reflect on it. I wanted her, but I had an awareness it wouldn’t be that simple.

Yes, we made plans for a family reunion and the holidays. And yes, I wanted to marry her. But…as stated above, I needed to see us make it through the hard stuff. I knew what I wanted, but I needed her to want it too. I needed her to be willing to do what it takes when you choose the other person.

Because I knew we had to clear some hurdles, I never thought about looking at rings or talking to her parents. And yes, I’m proud of that.

4. I Gave Her Everything I Had

Cliche as it sounds, I did my best. Did I make mistakes? Yes. Many. That’s why I will write another post tomorrow on what I learned. But, I gave her everything I had. Whatever mistakes I made were honest. From the beginning to the tearful end, I’m proud I didn’t hold back or “protect my heart.” (In the near future I will write an in-depth post on why that’s a load of bullshit- protect[ing] your heart.)

5. I Leaned into Jesus

The one constant during my time with Ms C was the Lord. And, I knew I had to hold onto to Him no matter what if I was going to make it. Everyday, regardless of what was happening in our relationship, I laid it at His feet. Over and over again I prayed the same prayer: Lord, thank you for this day. I trust you. Thank you for Ms C, and Your will be done in our relationship today.

6. I Never Gave Into Shame or the Pain

I’ll close with this: I did my best to breakup well with Ms C. By the end of our relationship, she was riddled with anxiety and fear. I was no longer a source of comfort, peace, or joy. When the time came, I had to let her go. She needed space to walk with Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit work in her heart. So did I.

I proud of myself for I loved her to the very end. I refused to give in, and relented only when it was the right choice. When we said our goodbyes, I let it be. No arguments. No outbursts. No shame.

I have no regrets. Part 2 tomorrow.

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Nik Curfman 10/30/20 Nik Curfman 10/30/20

Daily Journal: #103 Exhausted and Confused Faith

I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him- in all things.

Today, just over an hour ago, I drove to the house of my former girlfriend to deliver her yoga mat and prep knife. (I hate the term ex-girlfriend.) The reason for the tardy return of her items is more practical than you might think. I took her knife, and one of mine, to be professionally sharpened in San Francisco exactly one week before the quarantine. I got them back via USPS Wednesday, nearly eight months later. Such is life in the times of COVID-19.

As I turned off Eureka Way onto Willis, I felt my heartbeat in my throat. “What if this is it?” I wondered. These objects resting on my passenger seat were the last ties I had to her. After this, I have no practical reason to see her other than desire. I do desire to see her. I love her. She’s my friend, even now. But, we haven’t spoken in weeks. Whatever flickering longings I’ve held are near death. The closer I got to her house, the more sadness flooded my heart.

The Dilemma

Every time I read scripture like “ask and you shall receive,” she comes to mind, which is a cause for conflict. What do I want? Do I want God’s best for my life? (HINT: Yes and always.) Or do I stand on what is still hiding in my heart, my desire for her? I’ve been in this place before. I tend to have strong emotions and attachments. Strong emotions are real but not always in line with what’s good or what’s best.

I planned to drop by her house unannounced on purpose. I knew she wouldn’t be there, and her absence afforded me the opportunity to be an emotional wreck. Soon after I made my delivery, I set my tears free and prayed, “Lord, what do I do?” I fell in love with a wonderful human, full of love and kindness, intelligence and compassion, and…immature and flawed. I do not want to go back to dating the woman I knew in May. She was judgmental and afraid. (For the record, I don’t want to be me from May either. I neglected myself and tried to be superman. I struggled with judgment as well.)

In addition to all of my objections, I have one huge requirement for my girlfriend. I need her to want to date me, and appreciate me as I am. I’m not sure she was ever fully on board, and I definitely don’t want a codependent relationship. I’m confident in my strength and ability in a relationship to work through the unavoidable pains and strain.

What I Want

I’m not sure she’ll ever text me again, if we’ll remain friends (as I wrote this post, she texted to say thank you.) The idea I could or should want more from her is idealistic. But isn’t that what faith is? Wanting and expecting what isn’t seen? Yes, and no.

What my heart truly wants is a good relationship with an amazing women. I believe in that. I also believe every relationship is about two people doing what they can to be together. It’s not about one or the other. It’s not my job to carry a woman and let her insecurities drag us down- a common characteristic of every previous relationship of mine. No more.

I want strength. I want passion. I want confidence. I refuse to accept the idea women are weaker than men, and we (men) are designed to be super heroes. I’m awesome and I want to date an amazing woman, one who embraces their awesomeness. I’ve seen it in my former girlfriend at her best (or close to it.) It could be her.

The Best Solution I Got

I’m not looking for perfection or a “total package” (as if people are manufactured products.) I needed to say that. I’m looking for a woman running after her best life, secure in her identity as a daughter of the Creator King. That’s what I’m doing. It’s what I value. At 40, I’m looking for an empowered woman with enough gumption to own who she is and be brave enough fight her fears.

As I prayed today, I felt peace settle on my heart. I trust the Lord and will not fear the future, any future. A girlfriend, a wife, is about so much more than basic desire. I’ve watched perfect couples divorce, and terrible couples turn into soulmates. I will close no door, and I will continue to walk down the path ahead of me. I trust the Lord to lead me, and I trust Him to lead whoever I marry. That’s what I want my life to be, an eternal place of trusting Him in all things.

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