Journal: #174 Learn, Re-Learn, And Grace

Daily Journal

Jan 13

Feeling Unwanted

Last week I avoided a poker game. I did so because I did not want to talk politics or conspiracy theories with the other guys. I didn’t want to be rejected for being the only non-Trump supporter, for believing in vaccines, and the election of 2020 was fair.

Wading Through The Moment

The last few months I’ve been tossed out to sea, fighting a ghost. In between Zoom meetings and marketing projects, I stopped believing I’m awesome. The pressure to hit deadlines and the lack of positive feedback has me feeling like a phony. The work never ends, and I have more than enough time to over-think my flaws.

Today, I was angry at myself. The ghost seemed real, and nothing I did sent him away. Although I refused to give up hope to find my way back the land of hope and grace, it felt miles away.

He Leaves BreadCrumbs To Get Me Home

God, in His kindness and foresight, put a new friend(no, not a girlfriend) in my life. And today, she asked me a simple question as I explained my headspace. She wanted to know “what a healthy Nik looks like at the poker game?”

A healthy Nik- who is confident- doesn’t care what others think or what they believe. From those strong shores, I have loads of grace for all types of people and perspectives, but I haven’t been on that safe island in ages.

What I really did last Friday and today was give into fear.

Back to Basics

The question itself “what does a healthy Nik look like” gave me hope. It reminded me of what I can be any time I want. I am not doomed to be dominated by the intolerance of others. More importantly, I am destined to believe in myself, and carry so much love on my back I don’t have room for the disapproval of others.

At another time, I’d feel bad about falling into an old habit. I’d try to punish myself. For what? That’s the way of the world. It’s a measure of contrition, supposedly. But, I don’t recall the Lord ask Peter for penitence.

Instant Grace

I choose believe I don’t have to swim back to shore, but I’m already standing on it. Grace isn’t a work of works. It’s the ability to go from ashamed or angry to alive and joyful in a second. There’s no need to delay the love the the Lord. There’s no need to “work out my salvation.”

This moment feels like I won a major victory. We all progress, then fall back a bit. That’s life. I am thankful I can recognize these lies and fears for what they are. I am happy to know I know how to fight back, to let the Lord love me, and to love myself.

My God. My great and wonderful God. Thank you for new friends and ancient wisdom. Thank you for questions and and grace. I love this particular victory as much as any other.

Amen.

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GraceFearLove

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com