Journal: #195 Stupid Triggers, Gracious God

Daily Journal
Written By Nik Curfman

I genuinely hate to be triggered. It’s that sudden snap from reality into an anxiety-riddled hellscape. All possibilities are gone and only shame exists. The future is bleak and stressful. I turn to my intellect to defend my soul, a playbook as old as me.

Today, I was triggered. I went from enjoying my morning to a deep sorrow in a matter of seconds. In response, I began to defend myself between the snot and tears. Once again, I was left to prove my worth to an empty room. Once more, I argued my value with people who aren’t proclaiming a word to the contrary.

This trigger isn’t about them. It’s about me. I’m not worthless. I’m amazing. I’m loved and worthy of love. I’m smart, hilarious, and kind. I’m affectionate, kind, and compassionate. I’m awesome and a son of the Most High.

I’m thankful I can be triggered and have the freedom to stop my day to address it. I’m thankful the Lord exposed the lies long sowed into my heart, and I’m thankful He’s yanking them out. I’m thankful for the family and friends I can text when I linger close the cliffs of emotional hell.

More than anything, His banner of me is love. I put my faith in the Lord and His path for me. This isn’t about an outcome or the remaining wounds of a broken dream. It’s about using my voice to say this:

Lord, I feel broken in this moment. Today showed me the lasting disappointment in my heart, but I refuse to be powerless or shrink back into self-protection. I give you my heart to be healed by you. There’s only so much I can do, and it’s a place meant for only You. Heal my heart. Speak Your wisdom and grace. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear. Do things I can’t explain.

I love you, and I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, no matter how loud the fear sounds. You are greater. Always.

Like this blog? Share it with people you love.












Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process. 

https://fearlessgrit.com
Previous

Abstract: Assurance of The Unseen.

Next

Journal: #194 Old Poet Young at Heart