DJ: #86 Goal Setting and Fear of the Future
LINKS
Tag Archive
- Daily Journal 360
- Poem 239
- Faith 97
- Love 82
- God is Good 48
- DJ 41
- Short 41
- poem 40
- Gratitude 37
- Psalms 35
- love 30
- psalms 30
- Jesus 28
- jesus 25
- Grace 22
- Hope 21
- Goals 20
- Dating 15
- Patience 15
- Writing 15
- 2020 14
- Growth 14
- Trust 14
- Fear 13
- Fight 13
- Art 12
- Process 12
- A 11
- Perseverance 11
- Prayer 11
- faith 11
- selflove 11
- Joy 10
- Motivation 10
- Anxiety 9
- God Is Good 9
- West Virginia 9
- Determination 8
- Favorite Moments 8
- Friendship 8
- Honesty 8
- Miracles 8
- Purpose 8
- Travel 8
- a 8
- dj 8
- gratitude 8
- Change 7
- Death 7
- Frustration 7
In my last session with Kirk (business coach,) he asked me to set goals before our next meeting. That was nearly two month ago. Next week we will convene to go over my goals. Of all the tasks and homework he’s given me, new goals are the scariest. He asked me to envision my future, a thing I am reticent to do.
As I prepare for next week, I am forced to confront my fears. I am afraid to admit what I want, and simultaneously afraid of what I want. I am scared of wanting the wrong thing. I fear failing in pursuit of the wrong thing. Lord knows I’ve failed…a lot.
What’s the point of having goals anyway, if what I want is always wrong and/or I never seem to get there? Seriously. What's. The. F-cking. Point?
(In my head, I know what’s happening here in this moment. My mind has closed and my vision narrowed. Life is suddenly about immediate results and binary choices. It’s as though all the wisdom, love, and grace from this year disappeared. I need to be honest with myself. I need to ask a few questions, and challenge the narrative in my head.)
I’ll start with stating the obvious, as Paul put it, “It’s no longer I who lives, but He who lives in me…and my life is now lived by faith in the holy Son of God.” My life is radically different than it has ever been. And I aim to keep it that way. I do not fear the future or failure. How can I?
I know I made goal-setting a mountain to be moved. When I think about my life a year from now, what I want, how I want it to look, it is not dramatically different than it is today. (And a few things are out of my control i.e. coronavirus, the economy, etc.)
So what do I want? I want to have written 300 more Daily Journal blog post, 100 poems, and 12 Learnt posts. I want to complete 12 major art works and 150 small sketches. I want to lose another 45 pounds of fat, payoff another $10k in debt, and increase my savings/investments by $10k. But, these are the easy goals to set. They are mostly a continuation of what I am already doing.
By this time next year, I also plan on furthering my spiritual education, and I’d like to be in a healthy romantic relationship. Both of these are hard to admit, but for separate reasons. It’s hard for me to tell people I plan to go to ministry next fall because I feel like I’m too old for it.
And the other thing? The relationship? I learned anything this year it’s that it doesn’t matter how much I want something. If the other person in the relationship doesn’t want to be in it, (whatever the reason) there’s nothing I can do but let them walk. How can I plan to be in something when I can only affect half of the thing?
I suppose I could work up the courage to ask a woman out, which would be a small victory of a sort. Of course, in order to ask a woman out I need to be in a place to meet her. Maybe my goal shouldn’t be to go on a date, rather to meet someone new. That would be nice. That approach reduces the pressure to produce a relationship- I can go years without being attracted to anyone.
What a blog. I feel like a just processed through some major stuff. Now I’m gonna go make a smoothie.
Thank you Lord for pulling me back from the ledge. I am loved and worthy of love. I do not need to fear the future.
