DJ: #85 There and Back Again
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“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”
- Thorin Oakenshield
Yesterday was the first day(non travel related) without a blog post in nearly three months. I thought about it, and nearly wrote about Rosa. I worked with Rosa at a sushi restaurant ten years ago. She was a squat, dark-skinned Honduran woman with crooked teeth. She laughed at everything and took pleasure whenever she yelled “Caliente Hot!” as she pulled her latest creation from the fryer.
I was going to write about her in reference to peace. How one day, while I melted down, Rosa looked into my eyes and whispered a soft but firm, “Tranquilo, Nik.” But, I decided to go to the prayer chapel instead of write.
While in the prayer chapel I lost my temper as two old people decided to pray aloud. I wrestled with my frustration and their insistence to be heard. As I walked away from the building I had a good laugh. What a day. I went from thinking about Rosa and peace, to completely giving my peace away…whilst I prayed.
Today, same same. I had a great morning walk with Jesus, then melted down in the car a few moments ago. I can feel a pull into self-pity and bullshit, but I refuse to stay down. If I fall a thousands time, in a day, I will get up a thousand and one. I only lose if I let fear and anxiety win.
I was triggered today by something someone said. And it was something I want to hear, so that’s fun. It was a mature statement made by a mature person. Before I knew what was happening, I was in a hole. I felt like I had to react, or will have to act on what they said. None of that is true, fortunately. It took a good cry and an admission I am afraid for me to move through it.
This is me. This is real. I am a man facing my humanity, daring to believe I will be fully me.
One area of improvement, something to be thankful for, is I do not feel worn out or stuck. The enemy likes to pile on layers of condemnation and pity- to judge our judgment and pain. But, I’m not doing that. I might feel sad or confused, but I am loving myself through it.
I realized this morning I stopped verbalizing my pain. I stopped being vulnerable, and began to skip to “fixing myself.” So today is about getting back to a basic vulnerability in my life. In truth, I can’t find peace or healing if I am trying heal myself. That’s not how it works.
Sometimes, I want to look for solutions without looking for the source and cause of my suffering. The process of healing includes looking first at what is, allowing the Lord to be the Lord, and receiving His grace.
Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.
