Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 10/15/20 Nik Curfman 10/15/20

Daily Journal: #88 Create and Destroy

I consider it joy to be able to walk in the fullness of the Lord. I don’t have to choose between power and love, miracles and justice. Back in July I asked the Lord for more, and I feel like He’s giving it to me. To be clear, I want it all. In this life, don’t want to leave anything on the table.

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In my mind 20’s, I had a dream the Lord gave me several gifts, among them a paint brush and a hammer. At the time I understood these gifts to be related to what my life would be- destroying evil and creating life. And until yesterday I had no idea how I would do either. Until yesterday, the dream was only a dream from years ago.

What Kind of Christian am I?

Yesterday as I wrote my blog post (Coming Full Circle), I connected thoughts and ideas I didn’t previously connect. I’ve always seen Christianity divided between conservative yet miraculous Christianity and liberal justice oriented Christianity. I discussed two of my heroes- Smith Wigglesworth and MLK Jr as an example of this divide. But…what if that doesn’t need to be the case? What if I can live a life of love, miracles, and justice? That’s what Jesus did.

In truth, Christians who focus on the social justice aspects of Jesus’ life aren’t wrong. Jesus championed the marginalized groups- the poor, the widows, the refugees, women, children, etc. He even went after the Pharisees when their rigid laws forced widows into poverty:

“They devour the houses of widows and, as a pretext, recite lengthy prayers. They will receive a very severe condemnation.”
- Mark 12:40 NABRE

The big disconnect I see is when people try to use Jesus for political purposes. Jesus loved and fought for people, not a particular party or ideology. He was about His Father’s business. Jesus was not a capitalist, Democrat, socialist, or American. He is the Messiah doing the work of the Kingdom. If I know anything about the Heart of God is that it is flexible and patient. It is not a system.

On the other hand we have what tend to be more conservative Christian who dare to believe in a create miraculous God. We are crazy enough to believe God talks to us, heals the sick, and can even defeat death. We tend to hold scripture close and discourage loose interpretations of it. Of course, the earth was created in a mere six days.

This brand of Christianity doesn’t have room for evolution or socialized medicine (in America.) They seem quite content with a private company deciding your health care fate. (It’s more noble?) The saving grace of these Christians is they do create room for Jesus to be Jesus, and this is key. Jesus is not dead, and all His promises are as real and alive as they were the moment He spoke them into existence.

I have felt a need to pick between the two groups, and yesterday as I wrote I realized that’s a false choice. No, I do not need to pick between the two. I can believe and expect miracles and supernatural love AND fight for the rights of immigrants and addicts. I don’t have to choose between two parts of the same heart.

Create and Destroy

The best part of yesterday was the peace that came with knowing what I will walk toward. Usually I get overwhelmed by such thoughts and feelings. Who am I? I’m not worthy. I’d define my state of being as relieved, calm, and ready. I know whatever my life is become will happen one day at a time, so I don’t need to project the future or force it.

I got to this point by intentionally sitting with Jesus one day at a time, by getting up every morning to go walk with Him. My future is based on the same intention. I don’t have to be Bob Jones, CS Lewis, Smith Wigglesworth, or MKL Jr. (Too many Christians in my circle focus on mantels and claiming spiritual “anointing”. I don’t get it.) I get to be Nik. I am called to be Nik. I embrace that, to create and destroy, to love and defend, to partner with Jesus and do the work I see Him doing.

Prayer for October 15th

Lord, thank you for this Thursday in October. Thank you for the great weather, the peace of the skies, and your Kindness. My heart is heavy for my friends. Bless them and continue to pour out your love and grace on their lives.

I lay down my burdens and desire to you. I ask for focus to do my work and do it with excellence. I accept Your peace and love, grace and hope. I give you my heart, mind, body, and spirit.

Your will be done in me and through me today.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 10/14/20 Nik Curfman 10/14/20

Daily Journal: #87 Coming Full circle

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy or content unless I’m radically pursuing Jesus. All of my other plans for business and life must bow to that reality. The rub is when I think I’ve got to make this radical life happen. I don’t. My calling is to show up everyday and pursue the Kingdom. Whatever I am, and whatever I become will be in the daily pursuit of Jesus.

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The Power of Books

Have you ever read the first page of a book, and suddenly found yourself transported to another time of your life? It’s a bit like how a song or smell can define an era. The smell of frying bacon will always remind me my grandma Lean’s farm house, cigarette smoke on a crisp fall day a reminder of high school football in South Carolina, and You Found Me by The Fray will forever be associated with my time in West Virginia.

Books can transport me too, although not as often, and certainly not new books. I rarely re-read a book, so transportation to the past is rare. I do have two recent exceptions, Tattoos on the Heart by Greg Boyle and When Heaven Invades Earth by Bill Johnson. I have yet to finish Tattoos because I end up in a heap of tears and snot every three pages, and I just began WHIE to similar results.

There was a time in my life when I wanted the impossible and believed it was my destiny to walk in it. My first modern “hero of the faith” was Smith Wigglesworth, and my second is Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Both of these men walked in extreme faith to different ends. They represent the breadth of God, and His holistic Love for us.

Tattoos focuses my thoughts on the power of love, what patience and perseverance produces in our lives and the people we touch. The author, a Catholic priest, has spent his life ministering to the gang-infested neighborhoods of south-central Los Angeles. The book is essentially one love story after another, some of them quite tragic. It is the kind of love espoused by Dr King, where the miracle is in the doing, in the faith for the justice to come. It is the Love Jesus commanded us to pursue when He said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”

WHIE pulls me back to twenty years ago when I wanted my life to be full of radically changed people, miracles on miracles, and life-giving prophetic words. I experienced some of it, but eventually settled for much less. I never lost my belief in such things, but I assumed I was not qualified to live that life. It stirred a jealousy in me I refused to admit until this past summer. I am only ten pages into it, but I already know what purpose the book serves in my life- to call me back to a higher plane with Him.

Back to the Start

Since I began this blog, I wandered what’s its purpose is. Since July (and originally on Tumblr), I’ve written a blog post nearly everyday, some days more than one. Until today, I wrote whatever came to mind to write. And today, even I write this post, I see now what the purpose of this blog is. As such, I see greater purpose for myself, for my walk with the Lord. And I glimpse the future to come.

I don’t think my story is unique. Many people, especially early in our lives, are excited about Jesus. We dream and imagine the Glory to come as we consume books and stories of our heroes. “I’m gonna be like them,” we say to ourselves. “I’m not going to sink into mediocre Christianity.” But most of us do. I did. I settled for less, took the corndog when I really wanted steak.

I sense, deep in my being, I have the unique opportunity to showcase what’s possible to those who settled like I once did. My heart has always been for my fellow Christians more than the lost. There are many frustrated Christians living a life well beneath what Jesus has for them. The purpose of this blog is to document one ordinary man’s journey back to the extraordinary. I want to be a sign post to my fellow Christians “YOU CAN DO THIS!”

The goodness of God is how He used my wandering. I didn’t waste twenty years. I’m glad I learned what Love is. I'm happy I mended roofs in the southern coal fields of West Virginia, waited tables in Charlotte, and slung technology by phone in California. And I find true joy is seeing how the Lord built my foundation. I have a foot on both the Glory of His miraculous Love, and the tender Loving Kindness He has for each and every person.

He is a God of miracles and justice. We need not settle for one or the other. Jesus said we would move mountain if only we have the faith and persistence to tell it to move. Many different types of mountains exist: racism, poverty, blindness, diabetes, depression, anxiety, jealousy, addictions, climate change, etc. We need not settle for one type of mountain or another. They all must melt before Him.

I’m enjoying my morning as I think about where I am in life. On paper I am a 40 year-old, single, white guy. But, that’s the way of the world. In the Kingdom, I’ve been trained for the last twenty years to be able to move mountains and encourage others to do the same- to pick up their callings and swords, to win the victories they were created to win. I’m back to where I started, more confident than ever.

Can’t Settle For Normal

Normal sucks, mostly. Can we agree on that? It’s safe, for certain, but it sucks. I have never been able to settle for normal. As my business coach put it “you torpedo everything normal because it’s not what your heart truly wants.” This morning as I read the first few pages of WHIE I came across something I’ve felt inside of me for a long time:

“It is abnormal for a Christian not to have an appetite for the impossible. It has been written into our spiritual DNA to hunger for the impossibilities around us to bow at the name of Jesus.”
When Heaven Invades Earth- Bill Johnson

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy or content unless I’m radically pursuing Jesus. All of my other plans for business and life must bow to that reality. The rub is when I think I’ve got to make this radical life happen. I don’t. My calling is to show up everyday and pursue the Kingdom. Whatever I am, and whatever I become will be in the daily pursuit of Jesus. I was not made to be my own Savior and Lord.

To this last point, I do find myself overwhelmed but only when I think it’s about me. Yesterday, I wrote about my fear of goal-setting, and when I think about trying to make everything happen at some distance point in the future I begin to sink. But life doesn’t happen all at once. I have today, and all I need to focus on is today. The Lord told me back in July to write and love the people in my orbit. I can do that. I am doing that.

It will be my pleasure and honor to document what’s about to happen in my life. I am wise enough to know it will have sh-tty moments, but there will be good stuff too- lot’s of miracles and healed hearts. Stick around. It’s going to get interesting.

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Nik Curfman 10/12/20 Nik Curfman 10/12/20

DJ: #85 There and Back Again

Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.

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“There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.”
- Thorin Oakenshield

Yesterday was the first day(non travel related) without a blog post in nearly three months. I thought about it, and nearly wrote about Rosa. I worked with Rosa at a sushi restaurant ten years ago. She was a squat, dark-skinned Honduran woman with crooked teeth. She laughed at everything and took pleasure whenever she yelled “Caliente Hot!” as she pulled her latest creation from the fryer.

I was going to write about her in reference to peace. How one day, while I melted down, Rosa looked into my eyes and whispered a soft but firm, “Tranquilo, Nik.” But, I decided to go to the prayer chapel instead of write.

While in the prayer chapel I lost my temper as two old people decided to pray aloud. I wrestled with my frustration and their insistence to be heard. As I walked away from the building I had a good laugh. What a day. I went from thinking about Rosa and peace, to completely giving my peace away…whilst I prayed.

Today, same same. I had a great morning walk with Jesus, then melted down in the car a few moments ago. I can feel a pull into self-pity and bullshit, but I refuse to stay down. If I fall a thousands time, in a day, I will get up a thousand and one. I only lose if I let fear and anxiety win.

I was triggered today by something someone said. And it was something I want to hear, so that’s fun. It was a mature statement made by a mature person. Before I knew what was happening, I was in a hole. I felt like I had to react, or will have to act on what they said. None of that is true, fortunately. It took a good cry and an admission I am afraid for me to move through it.

This is me. This is real. I am a man facing my humanity, daring to believe I will be fully me.

One area of improvement, something to be thankful for, is I do not feel worn out or stuck. The enemy likes to pile on layers of condemnation and pity- to judge our judgment and pain. But, I’m not doing that. I might feel sad or confused, but I am loving myself through it.

I realized this morning I stopped verbalizing my pain. I stopped being vulnerable, and began to skip to “fixing myself.” So today is about getting back to a basic vulnerability in my life. In truth, I can’t find peace or healing if I am trying heal myself. That’s not how it works.

Sometimes, I want to look for solutions without looking for the source and cause of my suffering. The process of healing includes looking first at what is, allowing the Lord to be the Lord, and receiving His grace.

Thankfully, His grace and mercy is new every morning. It doesn’t matter how productive or unproductive I am. It doesn’t matter how many times I f-ck up. The main thing is to keep Jesus the main thing. That’s it. That’s all I want. Let him be Jesus, which starts by being honest.