Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 7/17/21 Nik Curfman 7/17/21

Abstract: Off The Porch

I left my soul on the back porch,

beneath the old wooden swing,

the kind held by chains to a pole.

I left my soul on the back porch,

beneath the old wooden swing,

the kind held by chains to a pole.

I let him rest in the shade,

to enjoy the evening,

and the glory on the clouds at sunset.

He needed a break,

a moment to ache without burden,

or expectation.

Upon my return, I found him gently rocking on the swing,

puffing a pipe, and smiling at me,

through the grey smoke.

“You ready?” He yelled, with a wink.

“The path isn’t easy,” I replied.

“The mountain is still there.”

“I know,” breathed my soul,

as he stared beyond the tree line toward the shadow of the range,

his pipe now empty.

For a beat,

we waited,

and listened to crickets at play.

Finally, my soul took to his feet,

stretched his legs,

and renewed his smile once more.

With the cold resolve of a champion he whispered, “Let’s fucking go.”

Nik Curfman 5/14/21 Nik Curfman 5/14/21

Abstract: Believe

You are a winner, a champion,

your soul tested by life,

and found to be in excess of resolve and grit.

Believe in that Nik.

Believe in you.

Question: What if I crash into the ground?

A spectacular blaze of incompetence and foolishness.

Answer: I will likely survive the ordeal.

Embarrassed, tired, and yet aching to move onward.

Last Question: Why do I plan to fail?

Obsessed with the worst of outcome.

Answer: Because, I judge myself.

I don’t believe I will succeed.

Ah. This is our problem.

with an obvious fix.

Believe in you Nik,

to fight,

to scrape,

to get back up after a fall.

How many times do you need to do it- your pattern of rising from defeat,

before you see it as the mark of success?

You are a winner, a champion,

your soul tested by life,

and found to be in excess of resolve and grit.

Believe in that Nik.

Believe in you.

Nik Curfman 5/12/21 Nik Curfman 5/12/21

Abstract: Hiking Mt Hood

For a short hour I lived,

I ventured into the mystery of the wood,

dared to be alone on my journey,

and it was Good.

Through the lush redwoods I hiked,

deep into the wood south of Mount Hood.

Road noise replaced by chirping robins and sparrows,

a welcome divergence from my norm.

Further still I remembered the words of Uncle Rob,

his timeless exultation to cut a new trail,

away from the slog of routine,

and I longed to be brave, to explore.

At the next fork I chose the path unworn by my fellow hikers,

until my feet eventually ran out of trail,

the end of where I was supposed to be,

to where I wanted to be.

The comfort of the road worn disappeared,

as each step required more thought than before,

the brush ever chaotic and thick,

and no obvious route presented itself.

My ears strained to recognize new sounds,

the scurry of a small creature beneath my feet,

a reminder I am not alone,

and I haven’t a clue what lay ahead.

My nerves frayed by too many unknowns,

won the moment,

and I turned my back on the adventure,

back to the path of less resistance.

For a short hour I lived,

I ventured into the mystery of the wood,

dared to be alone on my journey,

and it was Good.

Defeated for the moment,

but not for my life,

my feet will find my way back to where to safety ends,

and life begins.

Nik Curfman 4/21/21 Nik Curfman 4/21/21

Journal: #262 Life Without Fear

The Lord knew I would fail. He also knew I’d turn to Him, and His call to me was to push past fear, to move in faith. I didn’t leave Jason because I was angry at him. I left because I wanted more for my life. I wanted to be able to write and hike, to be able to spend my weekends with my friends rather than stuck at an event. It was the moment I let go of control and said yes to the Lord. I didn’t have a clue what was to come or how I’d pay my bills, but He did.

If I confess to one major flaw or weakness in life it is my tendency to give into fear. My fears include people(what they believe about me), failure, heartbreak, and being irrelevant. I’m also afraid of dying young, being alone, and wondering away of the Lord. As I see the words appear after I type them I feel silly. Am I really afraid of failure? Or what people think? Yes. Perhaps not every moment of the day or in every interaction, but I do. It’s enough to shape my life.

Last summer I was given the opportunity to confront these fears. By June, I failed as a business partner and my heart broke into pieces after the woman I wanted decided she didn’t want me. All of these moments were very public, and I had to decide how to react to them. Recently, I pondered that time in my life, because I handled it well.

It was a warm and sunny day, that first Monday in June. I went to meet Jason to discuss our business. My heart was in shards as 24 hours prior, on a sunny Sunday, my beloved girlfriend ended a sweet but incomplete relationship. Jason looked nervous yet resolute. He chose his words carefully, as if rehearsed, “I think it would be best for the business to end our partnership.” I wasn’t shocked, and yet I was. He knew I was going through a breakup. He knew I was sick(with a stomach issue.) I suppose he didn’t care. Why should he have to wait a few days? That’s just who he is. The world could fall down around him and he’d do whatever he was going to do.

Something about how he phrased it “it would be best for the business” didn’t sit well with me. I pressed him when I asked, “Is this what you want?” Eventually, he said yes. Then he asked, “What do you wan to do?” I didn’t have an answer. We chatted some more. He asked again and then a third time. After the third ask, I began to feel angry. It was obvious to me Jason decided June 1st was the day he’d begin to move on without me. Fuck whatever was going on with Nik. His business was more important than any person, which he proved as much in that moment. (I hate the way American culture lauds men for steamrolling people.) I didn’t want to be angry as I sat on the far end of the couch. In truth, Jason is a good man, trying to be a good man. He’s just flawed.

I told Jason to give me a few moments to consider my options. As I saw it I had two primary choices. I could stay on and try to make our partnership work. While I didn’t love the company or working with him, I wanted to succeed. I wanted to build a business and make Redding proud. My other option was to leave, onto some unknown “next thing.” As I examined each choice, I said a quick silent prayer, “Lord, what do I do?” He immediately responded, “Remove the fear, then what do you want to do.” The answer was clear as clean water. I turned to Jason and said, “Yeah, let’s end it.”

I’m not sure what Jason expected, but I think he was surprised by my answer. Maybe because I fought with him about so many parts of the business he saw this as an easy concession. Or, it’s possible he was saddened in some way to know our partnership was ending. Regardless, I don’t think he expected me to give him a strong answer. I must confess, by June I was ready to leave Jason. I hated being his partner and often felt enslaved to his process and way of doing business. I was loud about it, but he held all the power. Of course I didn’t want to stay in that relationship. Who would? My fear was of what was to come once I left.

The conversation and Jason’s insistence on an answer gave me a gift in the form of opportunity. The Lord knew I would fail. He also knew I’d turn to Him, and His call to me was to push past fear, to move in faith. I didn’t leave Jason because I was angry at him. I left because I wanted more for my life. I wanted to be able to write and hike, to be able to spend my weekends with my friends rather than stuck at an event. It was the moment I let go of control and said yes to the Lord. I didn’t have a clue what was to come or how I’d pay my bills, but He did.

Today, while I walked down the street behind my parents house, I thought about that day in June. I thought about what it looked like to stare down fear and act in faith. Then I asked myself a similar question the Lord asked me ten months ago, “Nik, what would you do if you removed the fear?” I’m happy to report I’d continue to live life the way I have the last ten months. I admit fear of people and rejection still creeps around my heart, but I am mostly driving toward what’s in my heart to do. The major difference is I will let go of my need to prove myself, and be me.

Thank you Lord, for the kindness of Your challenges and the patience to offer them.

Nik Curfman 1/6/21 Nik Curfman 1/6/21

Journal: #168 Moving Forward, Facing My Fears

I knew as she said the words, asked the questions, and put her finger on the fears buried deep in soul, it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward, one little act of faith at a time.

Today was a day. Wasn’t it?

What the Actual F*Ck?

A small band of desperate people stormed the Capital building at the direction of the President. For what? Why? Oh, that’s right. His lies. I am constantly amazed by the defense of Donald Trump from his supporters. They are deceived, and it’s sad to watch.

I want to go on record with something: Donald Trump was not, is not, and will never be God’s instrument. He’s a vulgar and selfish man who used fear and conspiracy to captivate honest people. In two weeks he will be an ex-President. Praise the Lamb.

RemeMber COVID?

Moving on, over 3600 people died in the United States of COVID related deaths. It’s the second highest total so far. Hospitals in Southern California are at max ICU capacity and beyond. They’ve begun to set up tents in the parking lot, and health care workers are at dangerous levels of exhaustion.

And Grief?

And, at 4:30 pm pacific, my roommate called to tell me his father had passed into eternity. In a small yet notable miracle, the hospital allowed my friend to be in the room for the final moments of his dad’s life.

Then’s there’s the day I had.

Pain and Exposed Fear

I woke up with stinging pain in my right shoulder, in two areas. Since I’m an old athlete, I figured I could “play through the pain.” When I got in my car I couldn’t shift into gear reverse and had to use my left hand. Instead of driving to work, I drove to the my pharmacy for extra strength Tylenol and a new heating pad.

Then, I went to see my new counselor, and I wasn’t prepared how that first session ended.

I went into the meeting with a clear goal, to get my active brain under control. Since I was child, I’ve always had trouble when I tried to focus one thought or activity at a time. And any time I misbehaved, got distracted, or couldn’t sit still it was accounted to me as being undisciplined. Turns out, I might have adult ADHD.

This potential diagnosis isn’t the unexpected bit. For a while I suspected I may have some sort of mental disability or disorder like ADHD or some type of depression. I’m not ashamed of it, and would rather know the name of the demon I’m up against. One way or another, I’m going to tackle that bastard, day-by-day.

Sure. Let’s Do this

The surprise came when my new counselor asked “when you thoughts run, are they negative?” I thought it was an odd question, but answered honestly. Sometimes. Then we began to discuss the negative thoughts. I realized they were mostly related to potential future events. Mainly, dating.

Of Course, I’m Scared to Date

Over the last ten minutes of our session, I saw where I’m afraid to date someone new. The thought depressed me for most of the afternoon, and I felt like I’d slid back into some past version of myself.

The one thing I want to avoid is to let fear run my life, to allow it to make decisions for me. But, that’s not what I’m doing.

Whenever I picture myself in a future relationship, I see it ending in a breakup. It usually happens in some manner I couldn’t predict, and I tell myself “that’s life.” This projection of failure keeps me on the sidelines. It fuels the excuses I give myself and allows me to postpone more pain. As long as a successful relationship is “out there in the future,” I don’t have to do anything right now.

The only honest reason I haven’t tried to date someone new is I’m scared. I’m scared I won’t find someone as good as Ms C. If I do happen to find someone as good or better than her, then I’m scared the relationship will end just like all the rest. I’ll be bewildered that I gave another woman everything I had, and it wasn’t good enough. She will still run away.

Faith is Hard When Fear is High

I thought Ms C was an amazing woman and was so thankful to have found her. I knew what I had in her and with her. It was good. So, it’s hard for me to imagine something as good or better. In my head, I know none of that is true. I know I’ll keep going and find my forever lady.

My heart wants to protect itself.

I knew as she said the words, asked the questions, and put her finger on the fears buried deep in soul, it’s time to move on. It’s time to move forward, one little act of faith at a time.

Time to Face my Fears

It’s unclear what moving forward looks like on this cold rainy evening. It could be as simple as downloading any of the dating apps onto my phone and give them a whirl. At this point, I’m just looking for a fun conversation.

It was a tough day full of literal, mental, and emotional pain. For a brief moment, I felt discouraged about my progress. Then, I went for a walk and met Jesus. He’s my forever friend and Guide. Days like today have and will always be part of my life, but they are not my story.

Today, I moved forward in life. I grew just a bit more, and I’m looking to the future with hope instead of fear. That’s the goodness of the Lord. This is His timing. Whether I think I’m ready or not, I’m moving with Him.

Walk in the Woods

Abstract: Off The Porch

Abstract: Believe

Abstract: Hiking Mt Hood

Journal: #262 Life Without Fear

Journal: #168 Moving Forward, Facing My Fears

What the Actual F*Ck?

RemeMber COVID?

And Grief?

Pain and Exposed Fear

Sure. Let’s Do this

Of Course, I’m Scared to Date

Faith is Hard When Fear is High

Time to Face my Fears

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