Vol II: #44 Yielding
Nathan told me as he grated the white cheddar cheese for our nachos. “She’s leaving,” he said, half matter of fact, half knowing it would be news to me. Sadness and anger flooded my being as I fought back tears. Then, I made a snide comment, one I instantly wanted to back. After we ate, I went into the living to watch football while he cleaned the kitchen. The nachos were delicious, and on any other day, I would’ve raved about them more than I did. Unfortunately, I was consumed with myself. I didn’t go watch football as much as allow myself to leak a few tears before he joined me on the couch.
For a few moments, I hated myself. I hated my reaction to the news my former girlfriend is about to move across the country. I prefer to lack an opinion on the subject. It’s her life, and I’m glad she’s doing what she wants to do. Who I am to judge or comment? Regardless, I did react, which revealed a dim flicker of hope- a desire I’ve long tried to extinguish and ignore. Why can’t I feel nothing for this woman?
I stayed for another hour at Nathan’s house and tried my best to appear unfazed. Despite the effort, I’m certain Nathan knew better. He’s a sensitive man.
In my despair, I texted my two most trusted advisors, friends who earned my respect and trust. The first one offered no wisdom but gave me his undivided empathy, That is hard dude. And man, if this is part of helping you move forward in victory then so be it - also - fuck. That doesn’t mean it’s easy. I love you Nik. We all need that. When something sucks, I need someone to see it that way. Then, friend number two, my Yoda, came through with the wisdom and encouragement my heart needed:
[a]s much as I know you want to be forever over *******, if you could just get over her...you wouldn't be the kind of man that is so worthy of a great love in his life.
You keep seeing this as a flaw about yourself…but having loved a person so deeply you would have married them....there is not a linear line to moving on.
She’s right- my Yoda friend. I loved my former girlfriend, deeply. I liked her and wanted her forever. For the last year, I harbored shame and embarrassment that I wasn’t completely “over her.” I’ve hated every reaction, as I did Friday at Nathan’s.
The truth is I still love my former girlfriend. I still want the best for her, want her to live her dreams, and fulfill every destiny given to her by God. I still pray for her and her family and wonder how their holidays were. And no. I don’t see a path forward for the two of us. That’s not the kind of love I’m talking about- the romantic rush of desire. I’m referring to the deep love required to spend a lifetime with a partner. I had it, or have it. Why should I be embarrassed about that?
Late last night, while I tossed in bed, I felt a peace trickled into my mind and down to my heart. I know how to love, to hope, and remain constant, even when everything is in ashes and the light is gone. I regret nothing, even now, 17 months after our breakup. I don’t regret the effort I gave, the mistakes I made, or the heartache in the aftermath. I truly loved someone and went to a depth I didn’t know I have. It’s worth celebrating. I’m worth celebrating.
Lord,
This process has gone on longer than I expected or wanted but I decided to stop fighting it. What do you have for me in this place? What’s your truth and grace? You know I want to date again, and yet, I’m scared of the feelings I carry for another. As in all things, your will be done. I yield to You and your wisdom. I trust you.
And thank you for the friends you gave me, their empathy, their insight, and compassion.
