Journal: #146 Nice vs Kind

Daily Journal

Dec 13

“You’re a nice guy.”

It’s the single worst sentence in the dating world, because it doesn’t mean anything. Flowers are nice. And, you know what? We leave them in stale tap water until they wilt. Then we throw them in the trash. That’s what nice gets you.

What is Nice?

Nice means inoffensive and agreeable, which is where the insecure and afraid find shelter. By being agreeable we find most people will make favorable assumptions about us. Because, if they knew the truth…

Have you ever said that to yourself? I have, many times. If people only knew what I was like inside, they wouldn’t think I was nice. They might not like me at all. So, I kept up appearances. I held onto to people to avoid being alone, and being nice was my superpower. It’s how I overcame my inner conflict.

I grew up in Southern culture which values appearances over truth. Any time I let out my real thoughts or interests, I was chided or ridiculed. It reinforced my belief. I had to be nice. Ultimately, this wretched cycle led me to one conclusion: something is wrong with me. I struggle to be nice and honest. Better to be nice and have friends than alone and honest.

God is Not Nice, He Is Kind

In early 2014, the Lord made different arrangements for me. I found myself in Redding, California starting a new life. My community was full of emotionally intelligent people who celebrated people for who they are. Nice is not valued, but kindness is. To be honest, I didn’t know the difference.

I do now.

What is Kindness?

Kindness honors the disgraced and doesn’t run from hard conversations. It is honest and courageous. It’s not harsh with the truth, but strong and gentle. As Paul told the Romans:

Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
Romans 2:4 (The Message)

Kindness also values itself. And, its foundation is in love. Kindness is everything nice wants to be but doesn’t know how to pull it off. Kindness comes from a deep well filled by the Holy Spirit. It’s not concerned with short-term losses and changes in community.

Kindness Can Hurt

When I look back to the relationships I lost this year, I know it’s because I was nice. I was likable and intentionally contorted myself into being so. When the time came for me to reset those friendships, it was seen as being judgmental or unkind.

I get it. No one likes to be told, “our relationship is broken and this has got to change.” It can feel like a blindside and harsh. Perhaps I was harsh. I think that’s a valid criticism. But, just as valid is the idea I need to be honest. When a friend or family member believes they have the right to be verbal and emotionally abusive, it’s on my shoulders to stand up for myself.

Gotta Keep Going

Coming out of this year, I am trying to learn two important lessons. 1) How to reset the broke places from a place of kindness and love, and 2) It’s easier to start a relationship from a place of kindness and honesty. If someone rejects me, that’s their problem. I’m not a dick.

My biggest challenge in being known is going to be my tolerance for rejection. Kind people are often rejected because they speak the truth, no matter how gentle they deliver it. The truth is often seen as harsh aka not nice. But…kindness is love. It brings tears to my eyes to know I will be rejected in my attempt to love someone. (What does that say about our world?)

The other side of this is I can’t go on being a nice man. No one respects the nice guy. I don’t respect the nice guy. He’s a doormat. All he does is take people’s shit, and I’m no toilet. We are to bear one another’s burdens, not suffer their abuse.

Sweet baby Jesus, thank you opening my eyes to my flaws. I needed to see how nice is not kind. Nice is not love. Kindness is love. Kindness is life-giving and it is who you are. I’m afraid of the mistakes I’ve made and will make. I ask for your grace. Amen.

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KindnessNiceLoveLearningProcess

Nik Curfman

I am a writer and artist in the early stages of my trek. I spent 20 years trying to be who I thought I needed to be, and now I am running after who I am. Fearless Grit is my space to document and share the process.

https://fearlessgrit.com