Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 4/28/21 Nik Curfman 4/28/21

Journal: #269 Anger Doesn’t Defeat Anger

Anger is a sign of suffering, and I’m too tired to figure out why. Regardless of the reason, the cure is love. It’s always love. Tonight, as I type, I choose to be accept the love of the Lord, and love myself. It’s the kindness of the Lord…that leads to everything good. l accept it.

This is my third different entry for today. The my first draft is about what it means to take the next step of faith in my life. I’ll publish it tomorrow. Then I started to write about the loneliness of moving on. I experienced loneliness last year when I stood up for myself in a handful of broken friendships. Only a few survived. What I wrote about today is a new loneliness. It’s the kind of loneliness we experience when we start down the road less traveled by, which I intend to do. You will read about it Friday or Saturday. For today I want to discuss what a little shit I’ve been the last three days.

Yes, I’ve been a little shit. I’ve been angry and short-tempered. And, I know what you’re thinking. Didn’t he write about his yesterday? Yes, again. Sort of. I wrote about being triggered, but today was different. This afternoon, I hunted for people to fight, arguments to win. Lord, help. WTF is this?

On occasion, there’s no purpose in the “dig.” By dig, I mean the endless pursuit of trying to understand every flaw, motivation, and moment. On a day such as this, I find more solace in being gracious and kind. As I ambled down the side street a few houses away from my parents house, I decided to let go of trying to understand myself and the world around me. Then the Lord spoke, “You don’t fight rage with rage. You conquer rage with gratitude and hope.” I held up both fists in a mock fighting stance and laughed at the gesture.

Nik Curfman 12/13/20 Nik Curfman 12/13/20

Journal: #146 Nice vs Kind

Coming out of this year, I am trying to learn two important lessons. 1) How to reset the broke places from a place of kindness and love, and 2) It’s easier to start a relationship from a place of kindness and honesty. If someone rejects me, that’s their problem. I’m not a dick.

“You’re a nice guy.”

It’s the single worst sentence in the dating world, because it doesn’t mean anything. Flowers are nice. And, you know what? We leave them in stale tap water until they wilt. Then we throw them in the trash. That’s what nice gets you.

What is Nice?

Nice means inoffensive and agreeable, which is where the insecure and afraid find shelter. By being agreeable we find most people will make favorable assumptions about us. Because, if they knew the truth…

Have you ever said that to yourself? I have, many times. If people only knew what I was like inside, they wouldn’t think I was nice. They might not like me at all. So, I kept up appearances. I held onto to people to avoid being alone, and being nice was my superpower. It’s how I overcame my inner conflict.

I grew up in Southern culture which values appearances over truth. Any time I let out my real thoughts or interests, I was chided or ridiculed. It reinforced my belief. I had to be nice. Ultimately, this wretched cycle led me to one conclusion: something is wrong with me. I struggle to be nice and honest. Better to be nice and have friends than alone and honest.

God is Not Nice, He Is Kind

In early 2014, the Lord made different arrangements for me. I found myself in Redding, California starting a new life. My community was full of emotionally intelligent people who celebrated people for who they are. Nice is not valued, but kindness is. To be honest, I didn’t know the difference.

I do now.

What is Kindness?

Kindness honors the disgraced and doesn’t run from hard conversations. It is honest and courageous. It’s not harsh with the truth, but strong and gentle. As Paul told the Romans:

Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
Romans 2:4 (The Message)

Kindness also values itself. And, its foundation is in love. Kindness is everything nice wants to be but doesn’t know how to pull it off. Kindness comes from a deep well filled by the Holy Spirit. It’s not concerned with short-term losses and changes in community.

Kindness Can Hurt

When I look back to the relationships I lost this year, I know it’s because I was nice. I was likable and intentionally contorted myself into being so. When the time came for me to reset those friendships, it was seen as being judgmental or unkind.

I get it. No one likes to be told, “our relationship is broken and this has got to change.” It can feel like a blindside and harsh. Perhaps I was harsh. I think that’s a valid criticism. But, just as valid is the idea I need to be honest. When a friend or family member believes they have the right to be verbal and emotionally abusive, it’s on my shoulders to stand up for myself.

Gotta Keep Going

My biggest challenge in being known is going to be my tolerance for rejection. Kind people are often rejected because they speak the truth, no matter how gentle they deliver it. The truth is often seen as harsh aka not nice. But…kindness is love. It brings tears to my eyes to know I will be rejected in my attempt to love someone. (What does that say about our world?)

The other side of this is I can’t go on being a nice man. No one respects the nice guy. I don’t respect the nice guy. He’s a doormat. All he does is take people’s shit, and I’m no toilet. We are to bear one another’s burdens, not suffer their abuse.

Sweet baby Jesus, thank you opening my eyes to my flaws. I needed to see how nice is not kind. Nice is not love. Kindness is love. Kindness is life-giving and it is who you are. I’m afraid of the mistakes I’ve made and will make. I ask for your grace. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 12/5/20 Nik Curfman 12/5/20

Journal: #138 Yes, There Is Life On The Other Side

If you’re reading this and you think you need to let someone go, be assured. There is something greater on the other side, because you are making room for it to happen. It’s a move of faith. God will bring you more than you thought was available.

I wrote several intros to this post. One was quite boring, and another lacked the honesty I want to be a hallmark of my writing. I can complicate a simple thing, so here’s the gist of the this post: I made some big life changes that resulted in the loss of a few relationships. It sucks…and…I made new healthy friendships. Hurt people attract hurt people, and healthy people attract healthy people.

The Setup

Whenever I make big life changes I am usually worried about what I will find on the other side. Big life changes usually include a change in how I associate with the people around me, particularly my friends and family. It’s more obvious when I moved across the country to northern California, and a little less obvious when I stopped smoking cigarettes.

This year, a year of growth and changes, I decided to change how I relate to the world. I stopped treating my body like a garbage dump, and prioritized my walk with the Lord. These choices meant I turn down offers of junk food and leave parties early.

Lifestyle changes like diet and exercise are usually acceptable to friends and family. The tough one is asking a loved one to change the relationship.

Taking the Risk

I have two desires that appear to compete with each other. The first desire is to love myself. It includes eating well, exercising, and believing in myself. The second is to love people well. I want to be a source of love and strength for the people around me. On the surface, it seems possible to love myself and others well. But, it isn’t, not at all times.

In the effort to love myself, I had to set boundaries. Fundamentally, boundaries are a way to say “our relationship is broken, but it doesn’t have to be.” As of this writing, my attempts to set boundaries cost me five friendships. I stated how the relationship was broken, they did not agree.

Hurt People, Hurt People

Not everyone responded poorly. My roommate stuck with me when I told him I would probably never want to go to Napa Valley, and despite my changes in diet (prior to this year we usually ate dinner together, but we no longer eat the same foods.) In addition, I’m thankful my customers respect my hours of operation. I no longer spend nights and weekends working on “emergency projects.” Thank God.

As for those who did not respond well, I get it. All of them are hurting people. They see boundaries as judgment of who they are, rather than a chance to be powerful. One lady friend said I was too sensitive, another said I am controlling. A couple in Colorado said I let them down. The exact quote was from them was “we’re bummed we ever trusted you.”

In each situation, the response I received confirmed I made the right call.

Friends Don’t Abuse Friends

I’ve read books, spent hours in counseling, and prayed about it. After years of feeling like I must suffer the abuse of others, I am believe that is a lie. Love is a must, friendship isn’t.

It is a lie to believe love equals doormat. I spent a ton of time reading the Gospels since 2017. Jesus was no push over. Yes, He sacrificed Himself. And, we often see it the wrong way. He crucifixion was unavoidable. He was murdered, and was going to be murdered. The pharisees wanted Him dead. Jesus did not want to die. (Fairly certain He asked for such a fate to pass from Him.)

Let’s back up a bit, and I can’t recall Jesus letting someone be a dick to Him. I can’t recall Jesus enduring the selfishness of others or their insecurity. He challenged His friends and confronted their flaws. We also know from scripture, Jesus had more than 12 disciples at one point. The 12 we know by name are those who stuck with Him. Jesus didn’t compromise His vision or who He was.

All too often we are told to compromise our peace and well-being “for others.” This is not the Gospel. Sacrifice is not self-abuse. Jesus didn’t abuse Himself.

My picture of abuse has evolved over the years. I now consider manipulation a form of abuse, because it usually demands the devaluation of one or more people. It uses statements like “if you loved me you would,” and “I thought you were the kind of person who.” These are shaming statements meant to force us into submission.

I also consider judgment to be a form of abuse. It is one I know well. I’ve been as judgmental as one can be. It is a weapon I’ve aimed at myself and others. I do not accept this behavior from myself or other people. True friendship has growth imbedded in its nature. It seeks greater love.

A Word About Grace

Abuse and manipulation are part of life, and it is impossible to build a life devoid of them. I am not trying to do that. Jesus didn’t dismiss His flawed followers for their weakness (a trait He continues to exhibit, thankfully.) Grace is real and required to make it through life. Love covers all the sins.

What I am getting at is, it’s ok to let people go. When they want to sink into cynicism or justify verbal abuse, let them go. Keep the light on, and the door open. But, let them go.

My Promise

I avoid tough conversation because I am afraid of how the other person will respond. I think it’s a common concern for many, and the main reason we suffer the bullshit of others. I am afraid of being alone and of being seen as unkind or unloving. It’s a powerful combination of fear.

The truth of my experience is this: When I move toward personal growth and love, I discover and grow in relationships with people doing the same. An adjustment period always exists, but more joy and love is on the other side.

This morning I went for coffee with Hudson, a new friend. We discussed his coming engagement, the Thanksgiving weekend, and the goodness of Jesus in our lives. It was awesome. My heart wasn’t heavy or discouraged after I left. I got to talk about what excites me and what gives me life.

I want more of it.

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Nik Curfman 10/3/20 Nik Curfman 10/3/20

DJ: #77 Looking Back Impedes Moving Forward

It is on me, a more seasoned and wise man, to develop the grace and humility to let them be immature. Immature is often a dirty word, but it doesn’t need be. We are all immature on one level or another, usually in multiple ways. It is the enemy who expects perfection, then condemns any other result as unworthy or unforgivable. But not the Lord, and as I aim to reflect to His loving kindness, I aim to be patient, tolerant, and kind.

This week I struggled with looking back, or rather, remembering people. For years, I wanted to save people from their mistakes and poor life choices. The desire served two divergent purposes. One, I genuinely love people. I want them to succeed and enjoy life. This is the best part of my heart. Two, my biggest hurdle is a need for validation. So often my attempts to love people were intertwined with my insecurities- secretly I wanted to be recognized while denying the need existed.

In July, the Lord asked me to love the people around me- my friends and family- the best I can. “The best I can” includes a healthy disconnect from each person. What I can add to a life is finite. I am not God or the Holy Spirit. I do not know what is best for anyone. Despite those limitations, I can love them and be a source of hope and grace.

Today, I finally unearthed my old demand for validation. I realized I wanted reassuring feedback from people who are struggling. What a bad setup. What a terrible burden to place on them. In all fairness, each of these people are growing and trying to figure life out. They will make mistakes and let me down. That’s life.

Paul asked the Ephesians to do as much:

I urge you to live in a manner worthy of the call you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another through love, striving to preserve the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace: one body and one Spirit, as you were also called to the one hope of your call; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
Ephesians 4:1-6

It is my great honor to love the people around me, and receive from them whatever they have to give. I have the opportunity to watch them grow and walk in the fullness of their callings and personhood. (The greater honor is the latter. To watch someone become who they are is one of the great delights on my life.)