Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 1/10/23 Nik Curfman 1/10/23

Vol III: #52 Two-Minutes

I have, for all my life, believed change was hard- especially lifestyle changes or career shifts. Every failed diet and each broken venture was the evidence for my belief. Despite this over-arching belief, I found holes of success over the last few years. For example, I am a much more neat and clean person/housemate than ever. I make my bed, take out the trash, and clean the dishes because I like to have a made bed, an empty trash can, and clean dishes. But, of course, the best evidence I can make lasting/significant changes is this blog.

Still, the bigger changes have eluded me. Until now.

(I want to say before I continue, I’m not into self-help the way I once was. My goal is the follow the Lord and attack whatever He told me to do. Everything I do is in support of this perspective. If the Lord told me to be a teacher, I wouldn’t be writing this blog. Instead, I’d be in a class, on my way to a teacher’s certification. But the Lord told me to write and generally be the creative person He created me to be. So, I’m learning, the very hard way, how to be me.)

Until now, I didn’t know how to develop the type of work ethic required to be a successful writer and artist. What changed a very short video on how to develop new habits. It’s called the 2-minute rule, and it’s easy. The gist of it is, instead of trying to commit 30 minutes or an hour per day to a new habit, start with two minutes. That’s easy and everyone can do it. Once the basic habit is established, push it to three minutes and then four. The thing is, when you do a task everyday for two weeks, the task or project begins to feel like part of your life.

Two-minutes folks. Do anything for two minutes per day, for a month. Then see where you land.

Nik Curfman 9/7/21 Nik Curfman 9/7/21

Abstract: Learning To Use My Words

A poem about learning to use my words, to give life.

At first, I didn’t know the power of my words,

until I crushed a friend or family member with them.

Then I learned to keep my pain to myself,

preferring to suffering in silence.

Later on, I was reminded my words can create boundaries and limits,

when people try to use and abuse me.

Now, I stand on the bridge to the high tower,

where my words are tactful and honoring,

for me and for them,

regardless of emotion or intent.

The best words, even those born of conflict,

still- in a manner only possible through Him- create life.

Nik Curfman 5/27/21 Nik Curfman 5/27/21

Abstract: Cooking Is Easy

There was a day when I was a boy,

I covered raw chicken wings in mustard, ketchup, and grated parmesan cheese.

In my mind, I was halfway to culinary perfection,

as I shoved the concoction into the microwave with ease.

There was a day when I was a boy,

I covered raw chicken wings in mustard, ketchup, and grated parmesan cheese.

In my mind, I was halfway to culinary perfection,

as I shoved the concoction into the microwave with ease.

After the ding, I inspected my monster,

to find a watery, half-cooked mess.

It was my first cooking lesson,

the beginning of a life-long quest.

That moment, 30 years ago,

remains fresh in my mind.

An eager child learned a cruel truth,

cooking is not simple or kind.

As a man, I can sear, sous vide, and grind,

chop, clean, and brine.

I know salt causes amino acid chains to unwind,

and great veggies are hard to find.

My pantry holds sesame seeds and yeast flakes,

my fridge- sriracha and miso paste.

I own dog-eared cookbooks from China, Thailand, and Italy,

of all them full of tasty treats.

I started as the worst and most unintuitive of cooks,

one who tried to fry chicken in vinegar and cooked ham on a kerosene heater.

So why do I doubt my ability to learn or do anything?

Why do I cry when I draw or doubt my mind?

It’s worth a laugh and an eye roll to consider.

I am what I believe I am,

Whether it’s a lie or legitimate.

So on this day,

Late in May,

I will finish my cheesy pros and say,

I learned to cook, and now I’ll learn to create.

Nik Curfman 12/13/20 Nik Curfman 12/13/20

Journal: #146 Nice vs Kind

Coming out of this year, I am trying to learn two important lessons. 1) How to reset the broke places from a place of kindness and love, and 2) It’s easier to start a relationship from a place of kindness and honesty. If someone rejects me, that’s their problem. I’m not a dick.

“You’re a nice guy.”

It’s the single worst sentence in the dating world, because it doesn’t mean anything. Flowers are nice. And, you know what? We leave them in stale tap water until they wilt. Then we throw them in the trash. That’s what nice gets you.

What is Nice?

Nice means inoffensive and agreeable, which is where the insecure and afraid find shelter. By being agreeable we find most people will make favorable assumptions about us. Because, if they knew the truth…

Have you ever said that to yourself? I have, many times. If people only knew what I was like inside, they wouldn’t think I was nice. They might not like me at all. So, I kept up appearances. I held onto to people to avoid being alone, and being nice was my superpower. It’s how I overcame my inner conflict.

I grew up in Southern culture which values appearances over truth. Any time I let out my real thoughts or interests, I was chided or ridiculed. It reinforced my belief. I had to be nice. Ultimately, this wretched cycle led me to one conclusion: something is wrong with me. I struggle to be nice and honest. Better to be nice and have friends than alone and honest.

God is Not Nice, He Is Kind

In early 2014, the Lord made different arrangements for me. I found myself in Redding, California starting a new life. My community was full of emotionally intelligent people who celebrated people for who they are. Nice is not valued, but kindness is. To be honest, I didn’t know the difference.

I do now.

What is Kindness?

Kindness honors the disgraced and doesn’t run from hard conversations. It is honest and courageous. It’s not harsh with the truth, but strong and gentle. As Paul told the Romans:

Better think this one through from the beginning. God is kind, but he’s not soft. In kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life-change.
Romans 2:4 (The Message)

Kindness also values itself. And, its foundation is in love. Kindness is everything nice wants to be but doesn’t know how to pull it off. Kindness comes from a deep well filled by the Holy Spirit. It’s not concerned with short-term losses and changes in community.

Kindness Can Hurt

When I look back to the relationships I lost this year, I know it’s because I was nice. I was likable and intentionally contorted myself into being so. When the time came for me to reset those friendships, it was seen as being judgmental or unkind.

I get it. No one likes to be told, “our relationship is broken and this has got to change.” It can feel like a blindside and harsh. Perhaps I was harsh. I think that’s a valid criticism. But, just as valid is the idea I need to be honest. When a friend or family member believes they have the right to be verbal and emotionally abusive, it’s on my shoulders to stand up for myself.

Gotta Keep Going

My biggest challenge in being known is going to be my tolerance for rejection. Kind people are often rejected because they speak the truth, no matter how gentle they deliver it. The truth is often seen as harsh aka not nice. But…kindness is love. It brings tears to my eyes to know I will be rejected in my attempt to love someone. (What does that say about our world?)

The other side of this is I can’t go on being a nice man. No one respects the nice guy. I don’t respect the nice guy. He’s a doormat. All he does is take people’s shit, and I’m no toilet. We are to bear one another’s burdens, not suffer their abuse.

Sweet baby Jesus, thank you opening my eyes to my flaws. I needed to see how nice is not kind. Nice is not love. Kindness is love. Kindness is life-giving and it is who you are. I’m afraid of the mistakes I’ve made and will make. I ask for your grace. Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/27/20 Nik Curfman 11/27/20

Journal: #130 Keep Showing Up

So today, as with most days in 2020, I will sit before the Lord. I will confess my doubts and disappointments out of faith. The mountain will move and the road will be made straight. When the time comes tomorrow, I’ll do it again. I will use the power of my words to tell Jesus how I feel and then partner with Him to move beyond it.

Yesterday I posted my How He Loves story. In an effort to do my best, I must’ve read it a hundred time looking for errors, odd wording, and flow. Each time, I usually found myself in tears. I was caught in the story, of how one moment affects another, and what the Lord can do when He let Him be God.

It’s at moments like this I feel caught up in something far greater than my normal day-to-day pettiness or self-interest. My normal day is spent trying to avoid pain and unpleasant thoughts. While I think about the future, I’m obsessed with my current discomfort. At my worst, I lock up and sink into self-pity. On days like yesterday I know there is something greater than my normal routine. And…I’m starting to tap into it.

New Life

2020 is a remarkable year for me despite the pandemic and a heap of personal failures. It’s the year I decided to pursue the Kingdom as an everyday practice rather than occasional adventure. It’s a small change, but it felt like crossing the Rubicon. I don’t measure my life in the same terms I once did, and I finally found the space to be myself.

In a way, I often feel as though I’m in school. I’m eager to learn and grow. Some subjects are easier to grasp than others, and some lessons are only learned via hands-on training. I’ll use the power of words as an example.

Jesus clearly believed His words held weight. He also believed our words held weight- to give live or deliver death. The comically absurd example He used to demonstrate His point was a the movement of a mountain:

..If anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in their heart but believes that what they say will happen, it will be done for them.
Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.

This concept is not new, the power of the spoken word. The Old Testament bluntly says power of life and death is in the tongue. Jesus, however, added the space for us to partner with the Father. In it, He create a space for God to be God. He made the power of words into an act of faith rather than another measuring stick of our righteousness. It also creates room for potential disappointment or unmet expectations.

Physician, Heal Thyself

I believe the best prayers are the most honest prayers, a fact I often forget. I find myself holding onto self-judgment and shame. Then I try to fix “it.” The answer is more simple and easy (dare I use that word) than I make it. One area I still struggle with is feeling like I have to clean myself before I approach the Lord or other people. My healing is on the other side of confession: Lord, I feel like shit and a failure. Oh, I’m not shit or a failure? You love me and say I’m worthy of love. Ok. I trust that. Thanks.

Not always, but very often it is that simple.

Old Wisdom

For most of my life I thought success and meaning were the gifts of fate or random chance*. I also believed I was a victim of my circumstances. Today, I do not. More than ever, I see life as a series of little choices and daily decisions. We tend to overburden big moments while we devalue the ordinary. But, who I am and my calling are a matter of the little things- my daily walks with the Lord, healthy routines, and loving boundaries. It’s the wisdom of the ant, and the Ancient.

*Some people are born into “better” situations, or inherit wealth, but what are we really talking about? No one can fake running after God, and who your parents are doesn’t matter when it’s just you and Him.

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Nik Curfman 11/8/20 Nik Curfman 11/8/20

Daily Journal: #112 Progress For Me

I judge myself everyday, some days more severely than others. Today I woke up with a smile on my face, but then began to tear myself apart. My biggest problem of late is trying to navigate my general happiness. Despite what I write, the last few days I’ve felt really good. It’s unusual. I know how to be a wreck, how to be angry, and how to be mired in self-pity.

I don’t know how to enjoy life or myself.

I judge myself everyday, some days more severely than others. Today I woke up with a smile on my face, but then began to tear myself apart. My biggest problem of late is trying to navigate my general happiness. Despite what I write, the last few days I’ve felt really good. It’s unusual. I know how to be a wreck, how to be angry, and how to be mired in self-pity.

I don’t know how to enjoy life or myself.

The Need to “Get Shit Done”

I continue to battle accusations and a need to be productive. Another area of concern is my walk with Jesus. It is evolving, and my motivations shifted once I cleared my breakup. I cried this morning on my walk. Lord, I don’t want to walk away from you now that I feel better about myself. I want to stay close to you for the rest of my life. It’s easy to run to you when my heart is crushed.

Those are all statements of fear, another form of anxiety. I am judging my behavior, and I do not measure up. The truth is I am loved. I am worthy of Love. I trust the Lord. He is my Rock and my Friend, my God and King.

My value is not in list of completed activities. I am loved because I exist. I love myself because I exist. (Lord, I accept your Grace and Peace.)

A Different Standard

This week I spent considerable time working through how to set boundaries while maintaining relationships. It was not a waste of time. In fact, I need to see it as one of the most important tasks I did this week. My heart and calling is to love people. When I spend energy and time in prayer working through how to love people, I am doing what is important to me. I am doing the will of God in my life.

Loving people is my priority in life. This is where my path diverges from the norm, and my growth looks different than it does for others. My standard is not tied to money and finished work projects. By my own standard I had a great week. I did not neglect myself or my friends and family.

Grace on Grace

I love myself. I love Jesus. I love my friends and family. My standard is different, and the judgments of others do not apply to me. The old judgments I used toward myself do not apply to me. I continue to push forward into my great calling from the Lord. Grace and more grace.

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