Vol III: #78 A Failing Memory
My memory is fickle and a poor friend when it remembers moments I’d rather forget. Today, it was a Facebook post by an old girlfriend. Even after she left me, the woman made posts belittling me, to justify her decision. And I remembered seeing the post and the condemnation I felt, and then new shame soaked me to the bone. And I cried as if I’d just read what she wrote and again my heart grieved. How foolish I’d been to believe in her, in us together. Why had I given her my best? And now I was suffering the same judgement all these years after her final verdict.
And I want to defend myself and respond the loveless, lonely woman. I want to destroy her with my words and crush her fragile spirit. And I know this is a wrong and sinful desire, so I stop to focus on my breathing, long deep breaths, in and out, one after another, until my mind settled and my heart is calm. Then I prayed and wept to the Lord, ashamed of being haunted by old memories. And He reminded me “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” And there is no statute of limitation on His promises of mercy, hope, and grace. And I will be comforted, and I will process this moment as I must, and then I will continue forward with a life greater than I imagined, even when I dated her.
Thank you, Lord.
