Journal: #308 Learning Is A Process, So Quit Being Impatient
I wrote the title to this post for my benefit. Over the last three months, the Lord reinforced several concepts. I’ve written about them in recent weeks. They include: keeping life simple, showing up every day, self-appreciation, and faith. I’m grateful for the reminder but also a bit embarrassed. I think thoughts like I’m an adult. How long does it take to learn and live a new reality? The question is hilarious when I ask it aloud. But, the answer is apparent and obvious. It takes as long as it takes.
The word repentance surfaces in my mind. As a child and young adult, I believed repentance was akin to confession. At 40, I see repentance as a major life choice (or set of choices.) Repentance isn’t saying, “I’ll never steal again.” True repentance is saying, “I’ll work never to put myself into a situation to steal again.” It goes to the root of the issues rather than trim the branches. It’s also a ton of work. Sure, the Lord could zap me with magic God dust. He could remove all my bad habits, but I’d still need some habits or routines. In this light, repentance is an active pursuit. It’s a commitment to stop one set of thoughts/actions and begin new thoughts/actions.
I find comfort in the knowledge of why adults struggle with change. It’s not about age but determination. We struggle because we have systems and routines in place. Even broken, we tolerate them. It’s what we know, as though we never learned to add or subtract. We found a way around the problem, and learning the proper method requires work and patience. My personal testimony- the story of this blog so far- is how frustrating and joyful the process is.
As frustrated and ashamed as I feel at times, I can’t turn back. Whatever success I tasted in the last few years, I know I will not sink back into a defeated version of me. I accept the ebbs and flows of pursuing the kingdom, the dips of motivation, and moments of despair. That was my life before; at least I have a purpose now. At least, I live in a constant relationship with the Lord, and I believe in myself. And, I’m not that poor. I’m rich in love and relationships.
Part of my transition is being ok when I’m unhinged. There’s a place where I allow myself to process negative thoughts and emotions— without shaming myself. The problem is it goes against how men are “supposed to act.” My dad and brother rarely say shit about how they think or feel. Good or bad. But, I know they are both deeply emotional men. Neither hides their emotions well, so it’s funny to watch them deny it. I know when my dad or brother is nervous, excited, annoyed, etc.
I do not blame the men in my family for issues expressing myself. They represent male culture at large for their respective generations. Fortunately, the younger generations are willing to change the narrative. (They are willing to talk about what hurts them, which is often seen as weakness. It’s not. No wound is healed by ignoring it.)
So here I am, caught between cultures and generations. I just wanna follow the Lord. To do it, I’ve got to be ok with my imperfection. How ironic is that? To follow the Lord, I don’t need to be perfect. I’m not required to live up to the American standard of emotionally immature masculinity. I get to kick ass and talk about how hard it is. LOLOLOLOL. (I’m not going to talk about the ease of anything.)
