Walk in the Woods

Nik Curfman 11/13/20 Nik Curfman 11/13/20

Daily Journal: #117 Gratitude: Seed of Joy

Living from place of gratitude, a state of constantly saying “thank you Lord, this thing/person/place is f-cking awesome and I love it,” clears the path of instant gladness when we see Him move. It positions our hearts to look with anticipation for what He will do or say next. Then we are glad, joyful, and filled with calm delight when we see it. Because we know it’s Him. We instantly know the Great God of all Creation is moving and acting on behalf of His kids.

Joy was once an elusive mistress. I thought it was something I could touch but not have. I thought it was something weirdo Christians faked, or worse didn’t fake. I believed I was too head strong or proud. Something had to be wrong with me, because- whatever joy is- I didn’t have it.

Lies and Damn Lies

I stopped trying to understand why I (or anyone) believe lies. It’s unfortunate, but we all believe lies. They do what they are intended to do which is hold us back from Him. I can’t experience joy was a real belief I held, for a long time. It’s not logical, and yet I believed it. This deception held me back from enjoying life and the people around me.

Obviously, the first step to defeating a lie is to recognize it exists. The next step is to admit something else is possible. In my case, how I experience joy may not look it does for other people. The bigger point I want to make though is this. When I admit something else is possible I open the door for new possibilities to manifest. Life isn’t binary, a stream of black or white, yes or no questions. I don’t have to perfect in my faith, but I do need to use it.

The Gratitude Pattern

The woman I dated earlier this year was the best I’ve dated in my life. She was so much more to me than anyone else. It wasn’t close. I enjoyed who she was and being with here, for the sake of it.

Part of the reason I enjoyed her stemmed from my previous experience. I appreciated her quirks and creativity. I liked how she listened and her intelligence. I was grateful to be with her. When she came over to break up with me, I was sad and heart broken. In the same moment, I felt gratitude for the experience and her efforts. I knew she gave me everything she had, and it was time for the Lord to step in.

I thanked her for dating me. I did not enjoy the break up or the gut wrenching month that followed, but I’m still grateful to have dated such an amazing person. It is this gratitude going before me that allows me to receive joy now.

The Beginnings of Gratitude

Some time in 2017 I started a gratitude journal. Eventually I wrote out index cards and carried them around with me from apartment to apartment, Redding to San Francisco, and then back to Redding. Somewhere in 2018, I began thanking the Lord for the day every morning. And now I try to drive deep into thankfulness on my morning walks.

I forget how or why I started trying to be more grateful. My guess is I was depressed and read something on the internet about it. Most likely, I read an article years ago, way before 2017. Regardless, what started as a sort of ritual to avoid suicidal thoughts is now a living-giving practice.

My favorite aspect of gratitude is how alive it is. In all honesty, when I start talking to Jesus in the morning, I am usually distracted and half awake. My mind is blank, and I start with something as simple as the sky. “Lord, I’m thankful for the sky today.” Then I go on “I’m thankful for this path, and the trees changing color. I’m thankful for my parents and they way they love me….(and on and one.)” Once I start confessing my appreciate for the Lord’s blessings in my life, they become easier to spot and admit.

Gratitude is a form of praise and active engagement of appreciation. It’s a form of love. Whenever I say to the Holy Spirit, “thank you for the sky,” what I’m really saying is “this sky is f-cking amazing and love you for making it.”

Here Comes the Joy

The word most often used for Joy in the New Testament is the Greek word chara (silent c). It means gladness. When we read scripture joy is always the result of hearing or an action. It is the recognition of the Lord moving on our behalf when we know it could be different. It’s an involuntary response to the goodness of the God. (It’s why I was glad to date my now former girlfriend. I appreciated who she is. I wasn’t hung up on who she wasn’t.)

Gratitude plows our hearts in preparation of joy. Without it, we are doomed to feel empty and broken. Entitled people do not experience joy because they do not appreciate what they have. Judgmental people do not experience gladness because they are too busy looking for imperfections and flaws. Fearful people do not experience “calm delight” because they are too worried to appreciate anything good in their lives.

Living from place of gratitude, a state of constantly saying “thank you Lord, this thing/person/place is f-cking awesome and I love it,” clears the path of instant gladness when we see Him move. It positions our hearts to look with anticipation for what He will do or say next. Then we are glad, joyful, and filled with calm delight when we see it. Because we know it’s Him. We instantly know the Great God of all Creation is moving and acting on behalf of His kids.

Lord, thank you for loving me and my friends and family. Thank you for healing us and blessing us with far more than we need.

Amen.

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Nik Curfman 11/11/20 Nik Curfman 11/11/20

Daily Journal: #115 Crying to Laugh

Yesterday, I was able to make it back to a centered place. I want to be who I am no matter what. I want to write and go for hikes no matter the result. I want to post blogs from now till I die, because I love doing it. I want to draw and paint because I like to draw and paint. And it’s easier for me to do all of it when I stop worrying about who watches or reads or is impressed.

In the aftermath of my breakup last May, I had a surplus of motivation. I found it easy to go for walks, eat my veggies, write blog posts, and paint. I had something to prove to someone. A small part of me wanted her to know she f-cked up. And…(more importantly) I wanted to prove to myself I was worth the effort. I wanted to love myself well. By my own standard, I did really well. I did not end up down in a pit of self-pity, and I battled shame like a boss. It was time to trust the Lord more than ever.

Overall, I did about as well as I could considering the mix of emotions, disappointment, and determination to face the pain.

God Knows

As each week passes, I feel the distance growing between me and May 31st. I’m so happy and thankful I decided to press into Jesus and walk ever closer with Him in the aftermath. It is the best decision I’ve ever made. The Lord was so kind and gracious. He knew my heart contained a combination of motivation, and He didn’t care. Purity of motivation isn’t a thing with the Lord.

A while ago (late September or early October), the Lord very distinctly told me to “stay close to Me, stay with Me.” I knew exactly what He meant. The coming months will test my motivation as life churns forward, and it has. I find it easy to perform if I think a crowd is watching, or I have someone to impress. However, the last few weeks, I know no one is watching. I know it’s about me and Him.

Walking and Crying

Last night I felt an undercurrent of anxiety, like something wasn’t quite right. To clear my head and heart I went for a late night stroll. When I got to the top of the hill I finally expressed a thought I’ve chased around my mind. I don’t want her to be the reason I do anything. I want to do what I do for me and You Lord. I tired of the small still existent desire for her to notice me.

In truth my former girlfriend represents more than herself. She is now the representation of all the people I want to impress or win over. And I do not want to live my life trying to gain the approval of others. That’s the old Nik. That’s the Nik that hated himself, because he tried to fit into a box. (Again, this is not about her per se.)

I burst into tears as I confessed my deep fear. Far too long I’ve been motivated to fit in, and I can’t let it creep back into my life. What I do, where I go, I want to be, I want for me.

Laughter Is Good

As I turned to walk home, I felt relieved. I often forget to be honest with the Lord. (By honest I mean unfiltered. Sometimes I try to fix myself before I pray it out. I don’t have to do that.) I did not hear the Lord say anything amazing or earth-shattering. I did feel a great calm and joy settle over my being, and I began to laugh at myself- the way I complicate life. I question myself before I need to question myself. Thankfully, I am slowly letting go of self-judgment, and it’s still there.

God is so good to me. He listens and encourages me, and knows what’s coming. He knew I’d struggle a bit as I moved forward this year. He knew my motivations would shift and change. And His constant encouragement was and is “show up.”

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Nik Curfman 10/6/20 Nik Curfman 10/6/20

DJ: #80 My Top 5 Practices For Change

I defeated the anxiety by utilizing the five practices below. My victorious moment came while I was 1) in prayer, 2) fighting anxiety(refusing to give into rejection), 3) being kind to myself, 4) prioritizing myself, and 5) speaking life and God’s word over my life. It was as though I hit reset button.

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I write this blog for myself as much as I write it for you. I’ve grown a lot over this year, and I want to remember the trail I’ve trodden. It’s a bit like being in school. I learn. I fail. I grow. I succeed. The thing is, I’m not tired or discouraged. This is the process of moving into a life worth living.

Most of my recent blogs centered on my battle with anxiety. I knew I had to keep fighting, as dangerous thoughts started to creep into my mind. “You’ve lost it. You were better in July. You’ve lost the magic.” None of it is true, but the most powerful lies are clothed in a hint of truth.

I defeat anxiety by utilizing the five practices below. My victorious moments come when I 1) prayer, 2) fighting the thought/emotions(refusing to give into rejection), 3) be kind to myself, 4) prioritize myself, and 5) speak life and God’s word over my life.

my top five practices to navigate change successfully

Show up. Everyday. Each day, I make significant time for Jesus- to pray, to listen, and to receive.
Matthew 6:33 is my way of life,“Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness…” In this space I cry, complain, laugh, and find my center in Him. And, as promised by Jesus and Paul, I see results. I experience fruits like joy and self-control, and my needs are met.
My major shift was making this practice- seeking Jesus everyday- a mandatory habit. Regardless of what I feel or what’s happening in my life, I make time for Jesus. I pray. I release. I listen. I receive. He is faithful to respond. He’s waiting to respond.
So, show up. Everyday. It’s not about a feeling or perfect circumstances. You’ll see progression after a week, month, six months, etc. You can’t behold Jesus and remain as you are.
Fight the fight. The way I see it, every time I let an evil thought or feeling take root in me, I set myself up for failure. Instead I must fight.
I love Paul. The more I walk with the Lord, the more is words satisfied my heart. In a letter to the Corinthians he wrote the magical words,“Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” The depressing thought is how many thoughts I have in opposition to Jesus. (LOLOLOLOLOL, it’s not that bad.)
My business coach taught me how pain and trauma don’t mysteriously disappear. Pain unaddressed leads to fear and suffering. Therefore, whenever I sense my thoughts heading south, I stop my day and fight it. I refuse to allow pain or shame to make decisions for me.
Most of my shitty moments stem from insecurity. For these moments I have a series of questions I ask myself: Why do I feel this way? What if that’s not true? What else is possible? What is the truth? What does the Lord say? These questions enable me to disarm the thought or feeling and focus on truth. They also enable me to more forward through the morass.
Positive affirmation is the other way to fight the fight. I give greater details below.
Positive confession is real. Daily positive affirmation is an amazing path forward through all the lies and fears trying to dominate me.
Jesus told us our words are powerful. He promised we will move mountains with them. Add that to Paul’s exhortation to the Romans, “be transformed by the renewing of your mind,” we have practical way to fight. Since our words carry weight, let them shower grace and speak life. And bonus, we can speak life to ourselves.
Modern science confirms the weight of our words. Words literally change the expression of our genes. Positive words improve cognitive abilities, and negative words disrupt brain function. Stop for a second. Let what you just read sink in. The words you use toward yourself will literally improve or destroy your life.
I am still learning this lesson. After weeks of battling fear and anxiety, I started affirming myself, “Nik, you’re awesome. You’re special. You’re amazing.” After five minutes, I felt lighter, like a weight dropped off my back.
Start with the promises of the God- “I am loved (John 15:9), I am worthy (Ephesians 2:10), I am special (Exodus 14:14).” And keep speaking them over yourself. I have one of two reactions when I say “Nik, you are loved.” I either agree and feel joy. Or, I hesitate. When I hesitate I sit in it. I repeat it. “Nik, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved, you are loved.” I keep going till I feel the release or start another affirmation.
Prioritize what’s important. I can’t do it all. I can’t appease everyone. I can’t be in two places at once. But, I do decide what’s important.
The biggest problem most of us face is deciding who and what we are about. We instinctively know every decision means the sacrifice of many alternatives. But it feels a lot less like sacrifice when know why you do what you do.
My decision to put Jesus first means I give up a significant portion of my day each day. It means I leave parties early, and get up early every morning. Now, the practice is a normal part of my life. Of course, I’m going to leave the party by 8 pm. It’s what I do.
I also prioritize this blog, my diet, and what I put into brain via my phone and TV. I believe in me. I love me. Accordingly, I must do for myself what no one else can do.
Be gracious toward yourself, and Love yourself. Change has painful moments. The great buffer between feeling like a failure and feeling secure is how I choose to love myself.
Jesus told us to love lots of people: God, our neighbors, our enemies, each other, and ourselves. Most of us get the first two- God and others- and we tend to neglect ourselves. We might treat ourselves on the weekend or take a moment to do something our heart loves, but day-to-day we ignore what we need. It is a sin to do so. Literally.
If you divide it into three parts- God, others, self- then it follows we need to pay as much attention and give as much grace to ourselves as we do to others. It means being forgiving, kind, understanding, patient, and persistent…with ourselves. It means serving ourselves.
Binge shopping, binge eating, drinking alcohol, smoking things, masturbating, even hanging out with friends are not self-care. Self love is doing what it takes to be our best self. It means being bold even if it looks silly. It means playing a guitar if no one listens, reading a book for fun, going for walks in the forest, whatever puts joy in our heart and feeds our soul. This is love.

Whenever I write a list I instantly think about what I left out. For now, I’m happy with what I wrote. Change aka Repentance is hard. It requires dedication, fight, repetition, sacrifice, and grace. It’s worth it. I can’t say where I’ll be in a year. It’s gonna be far different from anywhere I’ve been before. And if I can do it, you can do it.

Be bold. Be yourself. You are loved.

Nik Curfman 9/24/20 Nik Curfman 9/24/20

A: Two Good Feet

That ain’t nearly the most bizarre thing, these people hopin’ on one leg with a perfectly good one flappin’ loose.

Some people ain’t even doin’ that! Some people got two perfectly good feet, but they’d ratha’ crawl on their bellies.

I seen a lotta people tryna jump ‘round on one foot.

Up and down the sidewalk and out in the middle of the street, people hopin’.

Some people got a right leg they use, an’ others use the left.

They cranky tho’. Don’t they know they got two feet?

That ain’t nearly the most bizarre thang, these people hopin’ on one leg with a perfectly good one flappin’ loose.

Some people ain’t even doin’ that! Some people got two perfectly good feet, but they’d ratha’ crawl on their bellies.

They in the street, yellin’ and holler’in. Screamin’ at damn near everybody hopin’ pass.

Makes no sense. Why?

Don’t they kno’ they two good legs ‘ttached to two good feet?

“Use ya’ damn feet man!” I wanna scream. Poor wretches.

Makes me say grateful things to the Doctor. Cause then I sure’member. Me on my belly, then one the foot. It’s good I don’t fo’get.

Now I uses both my feet, and I walk with a stride. I’m faster than I ever was befoe.

When I was on my belly, I didn’t have love for an’one. Nope. Not a soul. On I crawled, mad at the worl’. I hated me.

After I met the Doctor, I got religion. An’ I tried to love people. But that hurts, all these people crawlin’ and hopin’ all over.

Sometimes I’d go see the Doctor. An’ He said if I kept showin’ up, I’d learn howda walk. But I had to hop first.

So I hopped. An’ hopped. An’ hopped. An’ I fell a bunch. The Doctor was good fo’ me when I saw Him, when I made time.

The more I tried to love people on dis’ one foot, more I fell.

Then one day I had e’nuff hopin’. I said Lord, what am I doin’ wrong? I’m so afraid, an’ ever’thang I try, I can’t do.

Bein’ a good Doctor, He swept me up in His big ‘ol arms. An’ He pointed at my other foot. “Time to learn to walk.”

“You have got to love you. No once else can do for you what I made for you alone to do for you.”

Just like that I put down that foot I never used befo’. ‘Twas shaky at first. Felt like tha’ groun’ was moving.

Now I walk mighty fine. I got that bal’ance- right, lef’, right, lef’.

Love Him, Love Me, Love Him, Love Me. An’now I can Love others.

No mo’ hopin’ and crawling, fallin’ and getting stuck‘n the mud.

Nik Curfman 9/11/20 Nik Curfman 9/11/20

DJ: #59 A “Serious” God

The most elusive gift of God in my life has always been joy. As with a few other aspects of my life, I thought I had to manufacture it on my own. It’s stupid to think about as I type it. Who makes their own gifts?

For a while now, when I meditate I see mist. Better explained, I am beckoned into it. It’s probably more like a fog-mist composite. (Fog is dense mist.) The point is I can’t see where I’m going. I can’t see the ground. And I have to trust the Lord, where ever it is we go. All the while, my brain begs for a destination or a goal, and my feet want for the security of feeling stable ground beneath them.

As I reflect on what the challenge is in that place, it’s not fear. Correspondingly, there is not anger or shame, or sadness. I may take some of those emotions into the fog, but I never leave with them. My issue is the purpose of the fog. Even I write this words, my mind is flipping over possible answers. What is this time and place about? Inherent in my admission is a probable answer.

But, what if the fog is of no great purpose? No. That’s false. This is not an exercise intended to break me down and turn me into a mindless drone. I’m not a toy. By simply committing to follow the Lord in the mystery, I am establishing deeper trust and relationship.

Perhaps the purpose is the fog. It’s a place to breath and focus on being.

Yesterday, I wandered into it with my head down. I can tend to be overly focused on the goals and accomplishment, and my morning walks are on hold as fire blankets northern California with smoke and ash. (Instead of bemoaning how the fires are f-cking with my routines, I choose to adapt. I won’t make excuses.) Once in the mist, I heard the Voice tell me to run, a normal thing this week. So, with no direction or goal, I started running. In the fog. Not my favorite activity.

After a few seconds a Being ran up beside me, and it began to run in the most hilarious style of running I’ve ever seen. Its arms flailed and legs flared. She* laughed the entire time. It was perfect. I started laughing too. “What exactly is happening in my life?” I thought. And the Lord immediately answered, “There is joy here too. Fun in the fog. If it ain’t here, it ain’t Me.” At this I began to cry for what is life without unearned joy and laughter?

This morning I am still alternating laughs with tears, overwhelmed by the goodness of God. He is not the humorless mob boss sitting in the corner, stroking His mustache. He’s the goofy, big-eared kid who doesn’t give a flying-f-ck what anyone else thinks about Him, the Eternal Optimist, the Forever Patient, the Always Kind, the Giver of the Best Gifts, the Relentless Hunter.

The Comic. The Jokester. The Creator of Comedy and Infinite Joy.

For any of it- peace, love, joy, hope, faith, righteousness, justice, self-control, patience, humility, endurance- to drive us to the greatest depth of Him…it all has to work. It is fine to focus on one of these at a time, but when we develop our sense of justice without joy, we become slaves to the law. When we focus on peace without faith, we become doormats to those around us. When we focus on love without endurance, we set ourselves up as a cruel judge of others. And endurance without hope tortures the heart.

I’m so glad and happy to know God is who He says He is.

Lord God of Humor and Grace,

Thank you. Thank you for being so awesome. Thank you answering my prayers to know You in greater ways. Thank you for giving me a place to grow and be imperfect. I love you. I love our life together.

Amen.

*I wrote she, because the Being was the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit is feminine in my experience.

Nik Curfman 8/20/20 Nik Curfman 8/20/20

I Can’t Stop Weeping

It’s good I am an independent contractor, and I’m not sure what’s happening to me. I can’t stop crying. I might go an hour or two between episodes, but then in a turn I’m using my shirt sleeve to wipe my eyes. The emotions, which vary and come in multi packs, pass quickly. I’ve stopped trying to analyze any of it.

As I packed up the remains of my lunch today, a single thought stood above the rest. I let it slip from my mouth. Lord, I don’t want you to be smaller than I can imagine. It hung in the empty conference room for a moment, the central fear of all my fears. I don’t want some of you, I want it all. I’ll go and do whatever, but let’s put away anything less than everything.

I can see now, as I type, this is the next fear to face. The fear that God is not who He is. I believe this fear has risen to the top because I can’t really move on without confronting it.

I know what to do.

I started confessing positive affirmation over my life earlier this year (I am amazing, I am worthy of love, etc), then I started confessing my trust and surrender, then onto God’s promises over my life, and now I believe my heart needs to hear the next big thing: JESUS IS MORE WONDERFUL, LOVING, GENEROUS, AND GIVING THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE.

I felt a tinge of hesitancy as I wrote those words above, so I’ll take it as a sign I’m on the right track.

God is good. Better than I know.

Nik Curfman 8/4/20 Nik Curfman 8/4/20

Frustrated and Defensive, sucks

I can feel the waves of defiance cascading through my thoughts. I’m arguing with no one. She’s not here. But, no matter. I can fight an empty room just the same.

Today, I am letting myself feel the pain of rejection- real or imagined. It fucking sucks. I hate it. I hate the way I feel small and unworthy, as though nothing about me is acceptable. And I loathe how I turn into a dick, if only to myself.

Despite these very negative admissions…I’m letting this happen. My heart is full of hurts I left unsaid, and I’ve learned to let it out. Ignoring a thing makes the thing stronger. It’s like a child with annoying toy. Once they know you hate it, they never stop playing with it. I’ve got to recognize this suffering.

My heart HURTS. Lord…speak. Please.

“Nik, you know she didn’t intend to cause you pain or discomfort. You experienced a fraction of what she went through. She gave you everything she had, and ran out of herself.

I’m with her now.

And I’ve got you. I love you, and I’m proud of you.”

Lord,

I offer my wounds and my insecurities. I don’t need to defend or compare myself to anyone. I trust in you Lord, to give me purpose, hope, and joy. I believe in my great future, and see no lack in any area of my life. Thank you for sticking with me.

Amen.