I Can’t Stop Weeping

It’s good I am an independent contractor, and I’m not sure what’s happening to me. I can’t stop crying. I might go an hour or two between episodes, but then in a turn I’m using my shirt sleeve to wipe my eyes. The emotions, which vary and come in multi packs, pass quickly. I’ve stopped trying to analyze any of it. 

As I packed up the remains of my lunch today, a single thought stood above the rest. I let it slip from my mouth. Lord, I don’t want you to be smaller than I can imagine. It hung in the empty conference room for a moment, the central fear of all my fears. I don’t want some of you, I want it all. I’ll go and do whatever, but let’s put away anything less than everything. 

I can see now, as I type, this is the next fear to face. The fear that God is not who He is. I believe this fear has risen to the top because I can’t really move on without confronting it. 

I know what to do. 

I started confessing positive affirmation over my life earlier this year (I am amazing, I am worthy of love, etc), then I started confessing my trust and surrender, then onto God’s promises over my life, and now I believe my heart needs to hear the next big thing: JESUS IS MORE WONDERFUL, LOVING, GENEROUS, AND GIVING THAN YOU COULD IMAGINE. 

I felt a tinge of hesitancy as I wrote those words above, so I’ll take it as a sign I’m on the right track.  

God is good. Better than I know.